Dinner
Forget the usual “romance” dinners. There is absolutely nothing wrong in making your Valentine's Day dinner a massive spread from your favorite burger joint or the spiciest Thai food you can find. Once you uncouple yourself from the artificial strictures of what Valentine's Day is “supposed” to be, you move on to the serious business of chowing down before coupling up.
If you dig Valentine's sweets, trust me: you can make these as raunchy as you like. Anything with a lingering minty bite, especially Altoids, can be used to jazz up oral sex — just but be sure to talk it over with your partner first, as some people are more sensitive than others to sugars and chemical sensations on their sensitive parts. Chocolates can be dug out of the box with your mouth, bobbing-for-apples style, and passed along to your sweetie mouth-to-mouth. Or take a hint from a hazing ritual used on Rocky Horror Picture Show "virgins” and fill your darling's mouth with whipped cream topped with a cherry. (What you do then is up to you.)
If you're anti-Valentine's right down to the candies, you could always go for something both tasty and sarcastic: make yourself a heart-shaped cake with cherry filling and serve it with a butcher knife stuck in it. If you're lucky enough to live in a community with enough of a counterculture to support some wacky bakeries, they may well have some off-kilter Valentine's fare that will suit your needs. Remember that the goodies don't have to be explicitly labeled as anti-Valentine's to work. My own local wacky bakery — Voodoo Donuts in Portland, Oregon — has plenty of stuff year-round that I'd use for an anti-Valentine's shindig. But what else would you expect from folks who replaced their “The Magic Is In The Hole” slogan with “Good Things Come In Pink Boxes?”
If you dig Valentine's sweets, trust me: you can make these as raunchy as you like. Anything with a lingering minty bite, especially Altoids, can be used to jazz up oral sex — just but be sure to talk it over with your partner first, as some people are more sensitive than others to sugars and chemical sensations on their sensitive parts. Chocolates can be dug out of the box with your mouth, bobbing-for-apples style, and passed along to your sweetie mouth-to-mouth. Or take a hint from a hazing ritual used on Rocky Horror Picture Show "virgins” and fill your darling's mouth with whipped cream topped with a cherry. (What you do then is up to you.)
If you're anti-Valentine's right down to the candies, you could always go for something both tasty and sarcastic: make yourself a heart-shaped cake with cherry filling and serve it with a butcher knife stuck in it. If you're lucky enough to live in a community with enough of a counterculture to support some wacky bakeries, they may well have some off-kilter Valentine's fare that will suit your needs. Remember that the goodies don't have to be explicitly labeled as anti-Valentine's to work. My own local wacky bakery — Voodoo Donuts in Portland, Oregon — has plenty of stuff year-round that I'd use for an anti-Valentine's shindig. But what else would you expect from folks who replaced their “The Magic Is In The Hole” slogan with “Good Things Come In Pink Boxes?”
Ambiance
Not a flowers person? Not a problem. While there are a million ways to go that aren't the usual Valentine's decor, you can double down by trying for some twists on the usual while maintaining a distinctly kinky vibe. Think condoms scattered on the bed like rose petals. Try a bouquet of single-serving flavored lube. Arrange your favorite flogger's tails into the shape of a heart (or buy a heart-shaped novelty paddle to leave bright red reminders of the day on your sweetie's behind).
Don't forget the lighting, too — and don't get suckered into making everything pink if that isn't your bag. Maybe romance, to you, is a frilly blindfold while your buddy keeps the lights on at full force to see what ruthlessly sexy things they're doing to you. Or, if you're the type to usually watch one another, kill all the lights for a change of pace.
Valentine Treats
LELO Sensua Suede Whip
Impressions Hearts Paddle
Fetish Fantasy Series Japanese silk rope
Don't forget the lighting, too — and don't get suckered into making everything pink if that isn't your bag. Maybe romance, to you, is a frilly blindfold while your buddy keeps the lights on at full force to see what ruthlessly sexy things they're doing to you. Or, if you're the type to usually watch one another, kill all the lights for a change of pace.
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