"Talking without thinking is like shooting without taking aim."
— English Proverb
What NOT to say!
My most memorable experience with this so called "dirty talk" was when I was in my twenties. I had sexual relations with a woman who had had her eye on me for some time. So, needless to say, during the act she was highly vocal about the situation that was unfolding before us. Out of all the things she could have said during sex she choose these fine phrases I now present to you:
“Oh my God! Your dick looks just like my first boyfriends!”
“I want to fuck you, but I don't want you to think I'm a slut. You don't think I'm a slut do you?”
“I have to answer this. I think it's my boyfriend. Shhhhhhh!”
And my favorite out of all this train wreck of dirty talk:
“I think I may have just cummed? Or I pissed myself. I don't know. I blacked out there for a second.”
I hope you see my point; talking dirty is an art form of sorts. Some people have developed it, some people just...well...will be good at it. I may, however, be able help you by telling you what not to say.
For example: NEVER EVER say what that woman said to me! I seriously laughed during it. Yep. Laughed. Out loud. So please, take these following tips and warnings and try to learn something from my story.
Do me a favor, lean over to your partner. Now whisper this in his or her ear, “Let's make love.” You back? Okay, what happened? Nothing? That is what I thought.
Okay, now try this: whisper, “I want you to spray your love juices all over my face while I fist your asshole!”
Did your partner look disgusted and worried? No?!?! Holy shit!!! Okay...well, for the sake of this article, let's pretend your partner was disgusted and worried.
This time go back and whisper, in the sexiest way you can, “I want you to fuck me right here. Right now.”
You back yet? Has ten to thirty minutes passed? Did you lose your spot on this article and have to scan to where you stopped reading? You did?! So you see my point. Talking dirty works, but only if you do it right.
The trick to talking dirty is letting go, knowing what to say, and when to say it. If you're shy then, of course, you're going to feel uncomfortable at first. However, hear me out. Once you see the cheeks of your partner's face start to flush as the sweet, slippery words start to spill from your lips you will, in turn, start to feel empowered. Yes, oh yes, you will, indeed!
Talking dirty is the same as sexy lingerie or hot-ass boxer briefs. It dolls up what is already a sexy you. It's an addition that you can wear with pride, and it will make you feel sexier then ever before. Let this be your motivation. Once you see your lover's face light up as you speak it will be more then enough to push you over your shyness.
If your still having trouble, start small. For example: try saying, “ I want you to slide your fingers over my body until you slip inside of me while I stroke your cock.” If this worked, build off of it and keep going.
What if you screwed up and went off the path laid before you; saying something like, “ Is it true that you can break your dick if you are fucked hard enough? Wanna find out?” Then please stop what you're doing and start over!
Although your statement implies that you wish to fuck your partner so hard that things might break,and this really is sexy, it is only sexy in a messed up kind of way. It is also scarier then shit! Not exactly what you want to do in the bedroom.
So back up and let your partner know that you really meant to say, “I'm going to fuck you so hard that your dick is going to explode deep inside of me.”
Still has the hint of that, “Oh fuck! This shit just got real,” without leaving your partner scrambling for the mace.
Talking dirty is a two way street, like a game of ping pong, if you will. You have to find a rhythm that works for the both of you; otherwise paddles get flung around and balls are just slapped every which way but lose. Literally. You can't say to your partner, “I want you to rip off my panties with your teeth and lick my hot wet pussy till I cum.”
Only to get this as a reply,“Ohhh...I'll uhhh...lick that...uhh pussy good then...uhh...mama.”
Rule one: Never call your partner "Mama" unless you have discussed this earlier!
Rule two: The key to talking dirty is to "out melt" the other person. What I mean is; you are in a battle of words now. It's time to step it up, take what you learned from your High School English teacher, and put that learnin' to work. Become a damn wordsmith and choose what you say carefully.
You need to look at dirty talk like your mouth is a brush and the words are your paint. You want to make a masterpiece here. You want your partner to want you more then they want you. This allows the sexual tension to build, the loins to grow flush and begin to beg for release. When the passion erupts your neighbors will later recall a 2 hour long, porn filled, fuck fest that will give new meaning to sex play for years to come! You want to be a legend in your own bedroom; so, please, don't fuck it up. Just stay calm and let your inner beast, carefully, out to play.
Smack that ball right back and keep this game rolling along. For example. If she says,“I want you to slowly insert your cock inside of me while you grasp my ass.”
You say,“I'm going to tease your pussy with my cock until your begging me to be inside of you.”
And the beat goes on.
Now, if you have read this far with all your clothes where they were this morning, then listen up. Even if you're still too shy to say these things to your partner's face you can still send a text. This way your hidden behind your own veil of protection. You're free to think before you text as well. This comes in pretty handy when your trying to make it as sexy as you can. After all, there is no delete or back space button in real time.
I actually recommend trying out dirty talk in written form if you're just starting out. It is sexy as hell even if or if you are a pro at the art. Plus, there's always the option to send an added pic if the moment is right.
Sending a dirty text can be your gateway into a whole new world of talking dirty in the bedroom. It allows you to explore just exactly what you have locked away in that dirty mind of yours; at your own pace. So by all means, give it a shot. This is actually how me and my wife got our start. Our one hour text "tournament" lead to some pretty hot ass sex. Not the normal crap either. I'm talking about "Sexual Experimentation" type shit! Wild, lube consuming, need to clean the sheets type shit!!! You hear me? So yes, let me say this again. Try writing something really wild and dirty to your partner today.
I hoped I helped in some small way, gentle reader. I hope you have learned by now that saying things like the following aren't exactly good examples of talking dirty:
“Are dicks always this veiney? Because your dick is so damn veiney?”
“Mmmmm. Mama's hungry. For a big ol' cock meat sandwich. HEHEHEEHA!!!”
“I wanna fuck you...no...not like that...I mean I really want to fuck you.”
I hope you have learned that there is a fine line between the phrase “Hey! Ya wanna fuck?!?!” and “Fuck me now!” One makes the clothes disappear, the other makes your partner disappear. Don't let your shyness rule who you are on the inside. Take your time and find your niche, the one that works best for you. Then slowly grab that niche by the back of its head. Slid your tongue down the side of its neck and follow it all the way down to its waiting hard cock as you slowly dance around his tip; until that niche can no longer stand it and spreads your legs apart and fucks the living shit out of you.
Whoa...what the hell just happened? I need a towel.
Oh and just in case you are wondering; yes, if someone said this to me,“I wanna fuck you...no...not like that...I mean I really want to fuck you.” I would be down with that; if they said it sexy enough!
"You need to look at dirty talk like your mouth is a brush and the words are your paint. You want to make a masterpiece here." This...I fell in love with you just then at that phrase! My boyfriend does not get that dirty talk should just flow and the reason why I am so good at it is because my words are art and I don't think about them. I just let loose and say what I want.
GREAT article!
Thank you Bleu. Hopefully I can keep this up and put some good articles out for you all to enjoy.
spot on! and freakin hilarious! lol. I totally agree to start out with written words, whether emailing back and forth or texting. I think after that chatting online without cam is a great next step. Though one handed typing tends to frustrate me. The hard part in my experience is learning the tastes of the particular person, especially if certain words are a turn off for them. thank you for the great article!
As always, great article. Might email this one to the husband
Thanks Kenzie & Mrs HouseWife. I have another one coming soon that I'm pretty proud off. It's about letting the lady cum first, something I think that is sadly overlooked in today's day and age.
Great article
Bahaha, I laughed so hard at your examples of bad dirty talk...
Love it!!!!!
Great article! It was really fun to read, but also really helpful. I really love the examples of what not to say!
This is a wicked article! I laughed soooooooo much! Thanks for putting a smile on my face! You have a way with words!
This is a wicked article! I laughed soooooooo much! Thanks for putting a smile on my face! You have a way with words!
Thanks everyone for the great compli...complia...you know what I am trying to say damn it! Thanks! Now go...and vote for me for the thingy thing.
I really like this article. I really get what he has said. My husband and I are living apart tryig to move are family. So texting dirty is a great way to turn each other on. By time he gets to come home for a visit we are all hot!