I grew up in an evangelical household, church every Sunday, youth group, the whole nine yards, ten in fact. I have been going to private Christian institutions since I was in 6th grade and will be finishing up my bachelors from one as well. Now, I only tell you this so you understand my background a little better.

I dabbled with my sexuality in high school a little. By a little I mean a little touching here and there with lots of making out. My senior year of high school I delved farther into sex by exploring oral sex, garnering the reputation as a sexual maven due to one night and one boy that lived thousands of miles away. High school sucked, to say the least, and that did not help with my constant battle between desire and chastity.

Growing up, I was always told to wait for marriage. And later on, I realized why. But for me it was more about trust and respect, and I just never found that in high school. I was a lot meeker than my reputation let on and I was okay with that.

College was rough, to start out with, because I was neither the small town, marry and have babies girl, nor was I the sleep around kind either. I was comfortable with my virginity and comfortable with making sexual jokes. Once again, that translated to being one that slept around. It also played a role in peer pressure with drinking. I felt I had to live up to something because of my name and who I was (which was an exaggeration).

I can honestly say that drinking played the biggest factor of that night. Well, that and my trust from years of friendship. I do not feel I need to delve into my mistakes. I believe you all can guess what happened. It was not violent or even non-consensual. I remember saying yes. It was, however, coerced and mistakes were made by both parties.

The next day however, was when the “holy” guilt set in. I realized that this one thing I was holding out for, I gave up over someone who wouldn't look me in the eye ever again. So I did what I always do when hurt. I let loose.

Those following months, I became my reputation. I explored sex; Pandora’s box had been opened and I was enjoying every second of it. I ended up having this amazing partner who, without judgment, let me try anything and everything that interested me. From lubricants to toys to condoms to ropes. I gave it a go. I had trusted him and it paid off. I left that summer confident in my sexuality and sexual preferences, but still at war with my new found desires and my upbringing. The church is rough with sexuality and that is no surprise. It has been that way since Augustine's time and the 1950s saw a resurgence of that strictness. We are living in the backlash of that.

I realized that I may have lost a gift, but I gained the understanding of a level of intimacy that only comes after sex occurs. Having felt my hand burned a time or two, I realize I am wiser from this whole journey, a journey which has begun.

I still compare others to each other, and I still have guilt. But I have realized some valuable lessons.

Sexuality and Christianity are not mutually exclusive. Having sex outside of what is considered a marriage shouldn't ruin your faith. Do not let it. Instead, continue to love and respect one another. Be confident with who you are. Be confident in your sexuality. Know your limits and know when to stand up for yourself. If and when you have sex is YOUR decision. And guess what? It was meant to be not just good but great, and it was meant to be enjoyed. Whether or not it is within the confines of marriage is up to you and I sure am not going to judge you for it.

The church and I are on friendly terms now, not so much with my sexual decisions, but that is understandable. For those of us who have this battle, solider on. Find what is right. For all truth is God's truth. I don't know the answers, but I do know we do not have to do this alone.