Frequently Asked Questions: Identity and Sexuality
"So when are you going to become a real boy/girl?"
You may not realize this, but this question is incredibly offensive because you're implying that the person isn't already a "real boy or girl." In reality, their gender identity is real and legitimate regardless of what the person was physically born as. Gender and sex are separate things. What you're actually trying to ask is "So when are you going to get corrective surgery to become physically male/female?" which, while still a private matter, is much more appropriate. It would be polite for you to wait until you get to know the person before asking a question like that, but at least you're not going to offend them right off the bat! Remember that all transwomen are women (or girls or ladies or whatever they prefer to be called) regardless of their current physical bodies, and all transmen are men (or boys or guys or whatever they prefer to be called) regardless of their physical bodies. I feel like a broken record sometimes restating these things, but there's still many people out there who confuse sex and gender!
"If you're gay, why don't you just stay a boy/girl? Wouldn't it be easier?"
To answer the question simply, no, it wouldn't be easier because you're ignoring the bigger half of the problem.
I've personally gotten this question several times, and each time it's like a slap in the face! Sexuality and gender/sex don't always go together. There's no reason someone shouldn't be gay just because it would possibly be slightly easier in general society to be straight. I would never willingly lie to myself and be a girl when I'm not, just to get men. I would be wrecked with self hatred and be uncomfortable 24/7, just like I was before I came out as trans. Plus many transfolk who can't transition (or are having a hard time transitioning) get suicidal. This is a really ignorant question. It's showing that you aren't paying attention to the fact that someone is transsexual. You're only focusing on their sexuality. If anything, their transsexuality is a bigger deal because it often requires years of therapy, hormone treatments and surgery to fix, whereas sexuality doesn't. Remember that the person is transsexual, and it's not related to their sexual preferences in any way. Trans people, just like cis people, can be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and their sexuality can fluctuate with time.
"Who would date you?"
I've gotten this question before too, and heard of plenty of transfolk who have been asked this. By asking this, you're assuming that no one is going to find transpeople attractive just because they're not stuck on either side of the bullshit gender binary. You're forgetting that bisexual, homo/heteroflexible and pansexual people exist! There's lots of people who are attracted to transfolk of all sorts, believe me, I get hit on plenty! Even some straight people date and have intimate sexual relationships with transfolk.
"Which bathroom do you use?"
Most transwomen use women's restrooms and most transmen use men's restrooms. However, depending on how well they pass, where they live and how comfortable they are, they may try to not use public restrooms at all, or only use family/unisex restrooms. Most transfolk refuse to use the restrooms according to their born sex. It's embarrassing and incorrect. I don't know why you would need to know this except out of pure curiosity, but just assume that the person uses the restroom they're "dressed" to use (the gender they identify with and present as is the restroom they use).
"If you're female and you're attracted to men, doesn't that make you straight?"
This is similar to the "wouldn't it be easier to stay a boy/girl" question, and again, no, it doesn't. You're missing the huge fact that transsexuality is still involved, and that sex and gender are separate. Your sexuality is usually defined by the gender you identify as, regardless of your physical body. A lesbian transwoman isn't a feminine straight man, and a gay transman isn't a butch straight woman.
"When did you decide that you were trans?"
Most transfolk will say that they have been trans from birth, it was only the discovery of it that took some time. I feel very strongly this way. I definitely believe that transsexuality is something that happens from birth, not something that "becomes a thing" later in life, and it should never be viewed as "just a phase." To answer your question in short, transfolk don't "decide" that they're trans, they discover it, and it happens at different times for everyone. Often it's discovered during the mid and late teen years when a lot of self-discovery is happening.
"What's your REAL name? (they mean your birth name)?"
Never ask this. Ever. It's none of your business and most transpeople will never tell you what their birth name is, and whatever name they go by is their real name. If you know someone's birth name, never ever tell anyone else unless you have strict permission to do so. This is often a quite embarrassing subject and it is completely unnecessary for you to ask, especially if the person has had a legal name change. If you're making arrangements with a transperson where you need their legal name for a document, ask them to write it in themselves instead of asking. It's just more polite.
"Oh I heard from _____ that you're trans?"
Wow, most people have no idea how rude and embarrassing this is. First of all, never ever out a transperson without their permission. This is often humiliating and at times very dangerous! If you hear someone say "oh, _____ is trans" remind them that it's really rude to out people, and don't ask any further questions. If a transperson wants you to know, they'll tell you. Don't ask about it.
"Can I see pictures of you as a girl/boy?"
Why do you need to see pictures of us before we were able to start presenting as our preferred gender? This is none of your business and it's really embarrassing! If you're in a close, friendly or intimate relationship, this may be something silly they'll share with you, but this is often a very private subject. I know that I personally hate when people ask this and have gone through great measures to make sure that there are no photos of me online where I'm presenting as a girl, or even photos where I blatantly just don't pass. They're really humiliating and are from a time in my life where I was horribly depressed and miserable. I don't want to see them again either. Please don't try to get around this question by asking things like "Can I see your ID card?" or family photos or anything else like that.
"Do people like, ever beat you up like they beat up gay people?"
I am super lucky. I was born and raised in a very liberal place where GLBTQ folk don't get harassed often. But not everyone is so lucky. Transfolk get harassed, beat, and sometimes killed over their transsexuality by ignorant, hateful, transphobic people. So no, I haven't gotten beaten up, but yes, it does happen. There's actually a Transgender Day of Remembrance for transpeople who have been killed.
"If you don't have your bathing suit, why don't you just wear (one for cis people such as a bikini for transmen or trunks for transwomen)" or "Why don't you just wear a dress/suit for this event and go back to cross-dressing later?"
Questions about making exceptions with our chosen clothes can get really weird. I've personally gotten a lot of them. First of all, it's not cross-dressing if we fully identify as the gender we're presenting as. Secondly, no, if I forget my bathing suit and we want to go swimming, I will never wear a bikini or other girl swimsuit, even if no one else is around. That's absolutely humiliating. If you're a woman, imagine being asked to wear men's swim trunks and no top out in public where people will view you and refer to you as a man because of your dress, regardless of your identity as a woman. Or imagine the opposite if you're a man. Sounds awful doesn't it? Even jokingly, it's harder on transpeople because we can't just laugh at what we're doing because of our physical bodies. A man can wear a bikini and just laugh at it like it's a joke, a transman can't. He will be seen as a woman and his female body will be exposed and presented in a way that can be scarring. The same goes for transwomen being asked to wear men's clothing, and transmen being asked to wear women's clothing. It's degrading. Please don't ever ask us to do something like this.
"You don't look like a boy/girl. Why do you even try? You're much cuter as (your birth sex)!"
If you'd like to completely enrage a transperson, this is a great question to ask. Just because someone currently doesn't look like your binary definition of their preferred gender doesn't mean they aren't trans, or shouldn't be trans. How someone is born physically, genitalia, shape and looks wise, has nothing to do with whether they should transition or not. Transsexuality and gender dysphoria are mental disorders, not optional plastic surgery choices. The vast majority of transfolk don't give a damn how cute they are as a boy/girl (whatever their birth sex and raised gender were). They are still trans. That's not going to go away. Transsexuality isn't a choice, just like any other mental disorder, and it can be cured by transitioning. We're cute as we are!
"You're trans? That's disgusting. God made you a man/woman and you should stay that way."
Please don't try to push your religious beliefs on us. It isn't going to change the fact that we have a mental condition! We may even be religious ourselves!
You may not realize this, but this question is incredibly offensive because you're implying that the person isn't already a "real boy or girl." In reality, their gender identity is real and legitimate regardless of what the person was physically born as. Gender and sex are separate things. What you're actually trying to ask is "So when are you going to get corrective surgery to become physically male/female?" which, while still a private matter, is much more appropriate. It would be polite for you to wait until you get to know the person before asking a question like that, but at least you're not going to offend them right off the bat! Remember that all transwomen are women (or girls or ladies or whatever they prefer to be called) regardless of their current physical bodies, and all transmen are men (or boys or guys or whatever they prefer to be called) regardless of their physical bodies. I feel like a broken record sometimes restating these things, but there's still many people out there who confuse sex and gender!
"If you're gay, why don't you just stay a boy/girl? Wouldn't it be easier?"
To answer the question simply, no, it wouldn't be easier because you're ignoring the bigger half of the problem.
I've personally gotten this question several times, and each time it's like a slap in the face! Sexuality and gender/sex don't always go together. There's no reason someone shouldn't be gay just because it would possibly be slightly easier in general society to be straight. I would never willingly lie to myself and be a girl when I'm not, just to get men. I would be wrecked with self hatred and be uncomfortable 24/7, just like I was before I came out as trans. Plus many transfolk who can't transition (or are having a hard time transitioning) get suicidal. This is a really ignorant question. It's showing that you aren't paying attention to the fact that someone is transsexual. You're only focusing on their sexuality. If anything, their transsexuality is a bigger deal because it often requires years of therapy, hormone treatments and surgery to fix, whereas sexuality doesn't. Remember that the person is transsexual, and it's not related to their sexual preferences in any way. Trans people, just like cis people, can be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and their sexuality can fluctuate with time.
"Who would date you?"
I've gotten this question before too, and heard of plenty of transfolk who have been asked this. By asking this, you're assuming that no one is going to find transpeople attractive just because they're not stuck on either side of the bullshit gender binary. You're forgetting that bisexual, homo/heteroflexible and pansexual people exist! There's lots of people who are attracted to transfolk of all sorts, believe me, I get hit on plenty! Even some straight people date and have intimate sexual relationships with transfolk.
"Which bathroom do you use?"
Most transwomen use women's restrooms and most transmen use men's restrooms. However, depending on how well they pass, where they live and how comfortable they are, they may try to not use public restrooms at all, or only use family/unisex restrooms. Most transfolk refuse to use the restrooms according to their born sex. It's embarrassing and incorrect. I don't know why you would need to know this except out of pure curiosity, but just assume that the person uses the restroom they're "dressed" to use (the gender they identify with and present as is the restroom they use).
"If you're female and you're attracted to men, doesn't that make you straight?"
This is similar to the "wouldn't it be easier to stay a boy/girl" question, and again, no, it doesn't. You're missing the huge fact that transsexuality is still involved, and that sex and gender are separate. Your sexuality is usually defined by the gender you identify as, regardless of your physical body. A lesbian transwoman isn't a feminine straight man, and a gay transman isn't a butch straight woman.
"When did you decide that you were trans?"
Most transfolk will say that they have been trans from birth, it was only the discovery of it that took some time. I feel very strongly this way. I definitely believe that transsexuality is something that happens from birth, not something that "becomes a thing" later in life, and it should never be viewed as "just a phase." To answer your question in short, transfolk don't "decide" that they're trans, they discover it, and it happens at different times for everyone. Often it's discovered during the mid and late teen years when a lot of self-discovery is happening.
"What's your REAL name? (they mean your birth name)?"
Never ask this. Ever. It's none of your business and most transpeople will never tell you what their birth name is, and whatever name they go by is their real name. If you know someone's birth name, never ever tell anyone else unless you have strict permission to do so. This is often a quite embarrassing subject and it is completely unnecessary for you to ask, especially if the person has had a legal name change. If you're making arrangements with a transperson where you need their legal name for a document, ask them to write it in themselves instead of asking. It's just more polite.
"Oh I heard from _____ that you're trans?"
Wow, most people have no idea how rude and embarrassing this is. First of all, never ever out a transperson without their permission. This is often humiliating and at times very dangerous! If you hear someone say "oh, _____ is trans" remind them that it's really rude to out people, and don't ask any further questions. If a transperson wants you to know, they'll tell you. Don't ask about it.
"Can I see pictures of you as a girl/boy?"
Why do you need to see pictures of us before we were able to start presenting as our preferred gender? This is none of your business and it's really embarrassing! If you're in a close, friendly or intimate relationship, this may be something silly they'll share with you, but this is often a very private subject. I know that I personally hate when people ask this and have gone through great measures to make sure that there are no photos of me online where I'm presenting as a girl, or even photos where I blatantly just don't pass. They're really humiliating and are from a time in my life where I was horribly depressed and miserable. I don't want to see them again either. Please don't try to get around this question by asking things like "Can I see your ID card?" or family photos or anything else like that.
"Do people like, ever beat you up like they beat up gay people?"
I am super lucky. I was born and raised in a very liberal place where GLBTQ folk don't get harassed often. But not everyone is so lucky. Transfolk get harassed, beat, and sometimes killed over their transsexuality by ignorant, hateful, transphobic people. So no, I haven't gotten beaten up, but yes, it does happen. There's actually a Transgender Day of Remembrance for transpeople who have been killed.
"If you don't have your bathing suit, why don't you just wear (one for cis people such as a bikini for transmen or trunks for transwomen)" or "Why don't you just wear a dress/suit for this event and go back to cross-dressing later?"
Questions about making exceptions with our chosen clothes can get really weird. I've personally gotten a lot of them. First of all, it's not cross-dressing if we fully identify as the gender we're presenting as. Secondly, no, if I forget my bathing suit and we want to go swimming, I will never wear a bikini or other girl swimsuit, even if no one else is around. That's absolutely humiliating. If you're a woman, imagine being asked to wear men's swim trunks and no top out in public where people will view you and refer to you as a man because of your dress, regardless of your identity as a woman. Or imagine the opposite if you're a man. Sounds awful doesn't it? Even jokingly, it's harder on transpeople because we can't just laugh at what we're doing because of our physical bodies. A man can wear a bikini and just laugh at it like it's a joke, a transman can't. He will be seen as a woman and his female body will be exposed and presented in a way that can be scarring. The same goes for transwomen being asked to wear men's clothing, and transmen being asked to wear women's clothing. It's degrading. Please don't ever ask us to do something like this.
"You don't look like a boy/girl. Why do you even try? You're much cuter as (your birth sex)!"
If you'd like to completely enrage a transperson, this is a great question to ask. Just because someone currently doesn't look like your binary definition of their preferred gender doesn't mean they aren't trans, or shouldn't be trans. How someone is born physically, genitalia, shape and looks wise, has nothing to do with whether they should transition or not. Transsexuality and gender dysphoria are mental disorders, not optional plastic surgery choices. The vast majority of transfolk don't give a damn how cute they are as a boy/girl (whatever their birth sex and raised gender were). They are still trans. That's not going to go away. Transsexuality isn't a choice, just like any other mental disorder, and it can be cured by transitioning. We're cute as we are!
"You're trans? That's disgusting. God made you a man/woman and you should stay that way."
Please don't try to push your religious beliefs on us. It isn't going to change the fact that we have a mental condition! We may even be religious ourselves!
....People actually ask/say these things? Are you serious? I only know one transman (well, okay, that I know of) and my god, I would never say anything even remotely close to any of this to him. I'll admit that in the beginning, when I first met him, I was a bit clueless, but as you point out, there is a way of going about things. There's a huge difference between being interested/curious and being completely rude.
What I don't get is how people muddle sex, gender, and orientation. That one does get me the most. I'm friends with a transman and he's homosexual, so the "Isn't it easier to be a girl?" comment has been said. Yikes.
While this was shocking, reading some of the things that people have actually asked about, it was also pretty educational and informative. I definitely learned some new things. Thanks for sharing this and for giving the GLBTQ an educated and strong voice.
I can admit, some of these questions have touched my mind, both in curiosity and is being asked about my identified gender. But honestly, what would make those words leave your mouth? My current partner is also transgender, but we generally tend to dress according to our respective sexes unless attending an LGBTQ event because it's publicly simpler to not have people ask questions. We can't particularly afford as much, but when it comes to the bedroom, our identities are out. Our close friends know, but even they don't stick out the rude questions.
I think this is great for people who actually have these questions and I hope this helps people find the answers they need.
Very informative.
even though the types of rude questions you've mentioned that people have to deal with, may be shocking to those here on ef, it's an eye opener of what some people have to deal with from mainstream society. someone cis like myself may not realize how ignorant other people can be since we don't deal with it first hand. i think it is absolutely wonderful of you that you wrapped up the article by offering to personally answer questions even if the inquirer thinks it might be offensive.