Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But sometimes, especially sexually, you don’t really want to take big risks. You know, like having sex without protection in an age of killer STDs and old-school non-killer ones that are becoming harder and harder to cure. Or getting in too-personal a setting with someone you don’t know nearly well enough to trust when you’re drunk off your ass. Letting yourself be tied up in a basement by a dominant you only recently met without telling anyone where you are.
Or, in the case of my wife and I, trying to navigate the swinger, polyamory and kinkster worlds and indulge our desires without getting noticed. We haven’t been all that terribly active simply because of the fear of exposure. I know, I know, some of you will tell me, “If someone at a kinky event see you and knows you, they have as much to lose as you do.”
Not exactly true, though. They might have far less to lose or might just have a mean streak. Or no common sense. Some of the younger folks we’ve seen at munches have their faces plastered all over the Internet at places like FetLife, acting like no employer, relative or anyone else could ever find their photos, showing a startling lack of discretion. I would hate to get to know (or get sexually involved) with a person like that who might openly share my business or my wife’s without hesitation.
But my real point here is that it’s a small world, and if you’re into “non-standard” sexual stuff, be it BDSM, swinging or whatever, and it’s often in a group setting, you may very well run into these people at some point. And the question is, how are you going to react when you do?
Case in point: My wife and I have only gone to a few swinger events and less than 10 munches in the nearly two years since we decided to open up our marriage and get kinkier, and we’ve already had random encounters with several people outside those events. Part of that is that we live in a state with less than two million people in it. On the other hand, we live in the most populous part of the state, so what are the chances?
Pretty good, apparently.
The first swinger event we went to, located more than a 40-minute drive from our home, we joked to each other, “Hope we don’t run into anyone we know,” certain in the knowledge it couldn’t possibly happen. Before an hour had passed, we ran into a couple we knew that lived right in our damn neighborhood. It all turned out good in the end, but still, it was unnerving.
At another swinger event, a woman who had a mutual friend in common with my wife came to the event solo and was openly surprised and a little nervous to find herself face-to-face with someone who only had one degree of separation from her life.
Also, my wife lately has taken to going out on Friday night with one or two friends or getting a group together while I stay home. Nothing sexual or kinky about it…just social time with friends unattached to our sexual scenes. At the restaurant where my wife typically starts these nights to enjoy nachos and margaritas, once of the members of the wait staff is a regular at the swingers events we’ve been to a few times. We’ve chatted with him and his lady extensively while at the events, I’ve danced sexy with his lady, and she and my wife did the stripper pole on the dance floor together one night.
Although my wife has never mentioned the swinging lifestyle when she’s right in his workplace, not even in a sly whisper to him, he (or so my wife says) tends to have this deer-in-the-headlights look like he’s certain my wife will point at him and shout, “Hey, are you and your girlfriend ready to have a foursome with me and my man?!” My wife treats him with total neutrality and discretion in that place he works, and yet he’s still clearly scared shitless seeing someone from the swinging scene there.
Finally, my wife recently got interviewed on a radio show, and a member of the staff there who she saw from afar (and he saw her, though they didn’t have any reason or chance to talk) is an organizer of one of the munches in the area, which as many munches do tends to focus a lot on BDSM. They shared some laughs via the Internet afterward about that unexpected encounter, but still…that marked the fourth time in less than two years—in a fairly urbanized area with plenty of people—that we’ve run into people we know in these unnerving ways.
This is the kind of thing that has led my wife to have far less interest in going to events, because she has a growing visibility and prominence in her professional role, and it could quite literally mean the loss of her job if she were to be outed as being a swinger or kinkster.
Now, this brings two thoughts to mind.
First, I think we need to remember not to be blasé about our sexual activities with others when those activities could come back to haunt us. If we aren’t careful about the choices of places we publicly show our kinky sides, and if we aren’t careful about who has knowledge of us, we could find that coming back to haunt us in worse ways than an ill-advised tattoo (like one that covers half your face or prominently bears the name of someone you’re currently fucking but chances are you’ll break up with and hate in less than three years time).
Second, I think we need to do a better job (all of us) of simply not making a big deal out of seeing each other outside of sexual venues. While my wife and I were surprised to see folks who live near us and know us at an event, ultimately we laughed it off with them and we don’t talk about it when we see each other at the grocery store. As for the waiter and the radio guy, my wife reacted to them just like normal people in a normal situation…because…well…that’s exactly what they were.
I think there’s a strong tendency at times, particularly in the kinky world, to define ourselves and others by their interests and actions. That guy is really into rope-work. That woman is a total pain slut. That couple is into hard swaps with anyone, any time. Sure, friendships are formed at events and in groups; no doubt about it. Some of these folks hang out in totally vanilla ways with regularity. But overall, it’s easy to fall into the trap of defining each other by our sexual proclivities when we meet in such venues, rather than as people first.
It’s not that odd, I suppose. If you’re a person who is in a line of business, and you meet people at conferences and such, you probably define them by their job. And if you run into them at non-business events, there’s probably a good chance you’ll talk to them about their work rather than about their family, because that line of work is the context in which you know them.
But I think when it comes to sex, it’s better just not to make a big deal of it when we see each other outside of sexual events. Safer for everyone and more comfortable, too. Don’t make a big deal of reminding the other person that you saw them in a four-way in one of the suites at the swinger event. Also, when you’re surprised by a person you know only in a sexual context in a place like the store or a restaurant, don’t freak out when you see them. Just wave and say, “How are you” like you would with anyone else.
There will be plenty of opportunities for talking about the sex at the next event. Chances are that the other person probably doesn’t want to discuss it with you at the gym it turns out you both belong to, and you probably don’t, either.
But sometimes, especially sexually, you don’t really want to take big risks. You know, like having sex without protection in an age of killer STDs and old-school non-killer ones that are becoming harder and harder to cure. Or getting in too-personal a setting with someone you don’t know nearly well enough to trust when you’re drunk off your ass. Letting yourself be tied up in a basement by a dominant you only recently met without telling anyone where you are.
Or, in the case of my wife and I, trying to navigate the swinger, polyamory and kinkster worlds and indulge our desires without getting noticed. We haven’t been all that terribly active simply because of the fear of exposure. I know, I know, some of you will tell me, “If someone at a kinky event see you and knows you, they have as much to lose as you do.”
Not exactly true, though. They might have far less to lose or might just have a mean streak. Or no common sense. Some of the younger folks we’ve seen at munches have their faces plastered all over the Internet at places like FetLife, acting like no employer, relative or anyone else could ever find their photos, showing a startling lack of discretion. I would hate to get to know (or get sexually involved) with a person like that who might openly share my business or my wife’s without hesitation.
But my real point here is that it’s a small world, and if you’re into “non-standard” sexual stuff, be it BDSM, swinging or whatever, and it’s often in a group setting, you may very well run into these people at some point. And the question is, how are you going to react when you do?
Case in point: My wife and I have only gone to a few swinger events and less than 10 munches in the nearly two years since we decided to open up our marriage and get kinkier, and we’ve already had random encounters with several people outside those events. Part of that is that we live in a state with less than two million people in it. On the other hand, we live in the most populous part of the state, so what are the chances?
Pretty good, apparently.
The first swinger event we went to, located more than a 40-minute drive from our home, we joked to each other, “Hope we don’t run into anyone we know,” certain in the knowledge it couldn’t possibly happen. Before an hour had passed, we ran into a couple we knew that lived right in our damn neighborhood. It all turned out good in the end, but still, it was unnerving.
At another swinger event, a woman who had a mutual friend in common with my wife came to the event solo and was openly surprised and a little nervous to find herself face-to-face with someone who only had one degree of separation from her life.
Also, my wife lately has taken to going out on Friday night with one or two friends or getting a group together while I stay home. Nothing sexual or kinky about it…just social time with friends unattached to our sexual scenes. At the restaurant where my wife typically starts these nights to enjoy nachos and margaritas, once of the members of the wait staff is a regular at the swingers events we’ve been to a few times. We’ve chatted with him and his lady extensively while at the events, I’ve danced sexy with his lady, and she and my wife did the stripper pole on the dance floor together one night.
Although my wife has never mentioned the swinging lifestyle when she’s right in his workplace, not even in a sly whisper to him, he (or so my wife says) tends to have this deer-in-the-headlights look like he’s certain my wife will point at him and shout, “Hey, are you and your girlfriend ready to have a foursome with me and my man?!” My wife treats him with total neutrality and discretion in that place he works, and yet he’s still clearly scared shitless seeing someone from the swinging scene there.
Finally, my wife recently got interviewed on a radio show, and a member of the staff there who she saw from afar (and he saw her, though they didn’t have any reason or chance to talk) is an organizer of one of the munches in the area, which as many munches do tends to focus a lot on BDSM. They shared some laughs via the Internet afterward about that unexpected encounter, but still…that marked the fourth time in less than two years—in a fairly urbanized area with plenty of people—that we’ve run into people we know in these unnerving ways.
This is the kind of thing that has led my wife to have far less interest in going to events, because she has a growing visibility and prominence in her professional role, and it could quite literally mean the loss of her job if she were to be outed as being a swinger or kinkster.
Now, this brings two thoughts to mind.
First, I think we need to remember not to be blasé about our sexual activities with others when those activities could come back to haunt us. If we aren’t careful about the choices of places we publicly show our kinky sides, and if we aren’t careful about who has knowledge of us, we could find that coming back to haunt us in worse ways than an ill-advised tattoo (like one that covers half your face or prominently bears the name of someone you’re currently fucking but chances are you’ll break up with and hate in less than three years time).
Second, I think we need to do a better job (all of us) of simply not making a big deal out of seeing each other outside of sexual venues. While my wife and I were surprised to see folks who live near us and know us at an event, ultimately we laughed it off with them and we don’t talk about it when we see each other at the grocery store. As for the waiter and the radio guy, my wife reacted to them just like normal people in a normal situation…because…well…that’s exactly what they were.
I think there’s a strong tendency at times, particularly in the kinky world, to define ourselves and others by their interests and actions. That guy is really into rope-work. That woman is a total pain slut. That couple is into hard swaps with anyone, any time. Sure, friendships are formed at events and in groups; no doubt about it. Some of these folks hang out in totally vanilla ways with regularity. But overall, it’s easy to fall into the trap of defining each other by our sexual proclivities when we meet in such venues, rather than as people first.
It’s not that odd, I suppose. If you’re a person who is in a line of business, and you meet people at conferences and such, you probably define them by their job. And if you run into them at non-business events, there’s probably a good chance you’ll talk to them about their work rather than about their family, because that line of work is the context in which you know them.
But I think when it comes to sex, it’s better just not to make a big deal of it when we see each other outside of sexual events. Safer for everyone and more comfortable, too. Don’t make a big deal of reminding the other person that you saw them in a four-way in one of the suites at the swinger event. Also, when you’re surprised by a person you know only in a sexual context in a place like the store or a restaurant, don’t freak out when you see them. Just wave and say, “How are you” like you would with anyone else.
There will be plenty of opportunities for talking about the sex at the next event. Chances are that the other person probably doesn’t want to discuss it with you at the gym it turns out you both belong to, and you probably don’t, either.
While I appreciate the situation you are in, I don't completely agree that the points you bring up are important for everyone. I would never out anyone, but I am out in my life. I refuse to be back in the closet, so my profiles have my face and location. They have details about me.
The only way for me to not live in fear was to come out. We're still finishing up that process, but there is nothing that could seriously hurt my survival in my way of life right now if I came out.
We can't teach others that what we do is ok when we are secretive. Secrets indicate shame to others.
Again, I totally understand that you may be in a position that being out is impossible. Just remember that not everyone has or wants to be in the closet either.
My intent is not to tell people to stay in their closets. My point is more about how we shouldn't be so eager to talk about certain things in certain settings when we aren't sure about how open the other person is, and how we shouldn't simply approach them from the sexual perspective.
And, on the flip side, we shouldn't get all worked up and nervous when we see people from alternative sexual activities in public, assuming that the first thing out of their mouths will be, "hey, remember what we did/saw/etc."
There is a tendency sometimes for us to pigeonhole other people when we see them out of context or to forget that we're in another context.
My caution is more to be aware and think first, and approach people as people and not simply as someone with a certain sexual inclination.
As for whether more of us should be open or not, and whether by not putting our faces out there we might be holding back acceptance of alternative sexual practices...I don't know. But what I do know is that there's no time in the foreseeable future where all kinks/alt sex/fetishes/etc. will be normalized and accepted by the wide population. Even among people WITH kinks they often have hang-ups and preconceptions about people with different kinks. If those of us not strictly vanilla can't except the broad and diverse range of activities, I think it's a bit naive to think that most of us should be open and out there. Not saying that's your belief, but some people do hold to that, and I think it's faulty logic. Employers increasingly track down info about people online before hiring them. A politically outspoken blog could get a person passed over for any number of jobs they are deserving of consideration for, not to mention how many people would be shut out of the running over just one pic of them tied up with a dildo inserted somewhere, for example.
I think being open is great if one can do it without undue risk, but that's not as easy done as said, and I think it's more important for people to be selectively open. Only now is BDSM sort of coming into mainstream acceptance (and that's still at a very fledgling level) and that's only really because of 50 Shades of Grey, to be honest. We'll see how long the slight acceptance lasts, much less flourishes.
In other news, I hate that I accidentally wrote "except" instead of "accept." Given that I just finished proofing pages for my primary job as an editor, I find myself wishing I had an edit button here sometimes...LOL
Also, as an addendum, perhaps it's also worth sharing my wife's recent experience. There's a guy she's interested in, and when she was out one Friday, he was being flirty, and she encouraged that. At one point, she dropped a hint, and he said, "So, do you have an open marriage?" And she confirmed that. Nothing happened then, but weeks later, she texted him trying to get together for drinks or whatever. When he finally got back to her days later, he was like "So what do you want to do." It turns out he really was asking outright what sexual things she wanted to do, and thought she should just come over to his place and give him a blowjob right then and there.
Mind you, this is a weeknight, and my wife is anything but some compliant, fainting flower who is dying to please a man and not think of herself or her family.
So, he made an assumption that "open marriage" meant open to anything, anytime, at anyone's beck and call.
In the end, she set him straight. And although it had a nasty outcome, it was good that she was open with someone. But being willing to be open when appropriate is different than being open to everyone. Frankly, I don't think most of us should be open to everyone about everything anyway. Everything's about context, in my opinion.
I once told a college buddy I wrote erotica. I didn't even mention it was fetish erotica. Just erotica. And he suddenly got all weird and distant over the phone and didn't communicate with me for months thereafter. And he's not even some repressed prude. It just freaked him out to think of me in that context, and he's one of my best friends from college.