"I bet she was a looker when she was alive right? I mean she's not too bad now either. I'd stick my dick in her, but I'm afraid what might happen."
Contrary to what part of my title might suggest, I am not suggesting that during the coming Zombie Apocalypse that you "go z," tempting as some zombie chicks may be. I'm fairly certain that activity is a horrible idea. No, what I'd like to talk about in this article is keeping things spicy in the bedroom/tent/underground bunker. Despite Max Brooks' best efforts to cover everything he needed to in the Zombie Survival Guide, he overlooked one major aspect that many people do when they plan for the inevitable zombie outbreak: repopulating the earth. Which means a whole lot of sexy times. Every person who writes out their Zombie Plan always imagines themselves being Ash from Evil Dead, slaying zombies with a chainsaw and their trusty boomstick. We all want to be Ash for a very good set of reasons. Bruce Campbell is awesome; Ash gets all the ladies. Well what are we supposed to do after we get all the sexy people we ever wanted? Constantly trying to make more humans sex is going to get boring really, really fast. Thanks to the help of Eden Fantasys and vastly too much free time, I've put together the perfect Zombie Survivalist Sex Toy Kit.
Battery Free Vibrators
Solar Bullet
The Earth Angel
Look, everyone knows that things like batteries are going to be pretty freaking rare after awhile and they are likely best used on things like flashlights. Blowing off some steam between decapitating your friends and loved ones is a good idea. Since things like beer, cigarettes, and chocolate are also going to be rare, very quickly masturbating is going to be a very logical and essential option for getting rid of all that pent up stress you are going to be acquiring on an hourly basis. Just think, you and your significant other sneak off from the rest of the survival group and duck out behind the burned out husk of a super market. You set your bullet in the sun so it can charge up slowly as you sensually start to crack up your Earth Angel, the low whirring noise getting your unshaven, unwashed, gore covered lover in the mood for some naughty play, constantly looking for zombies while you do as you've now learned to never let your guard down. Romance at its finest. If someone in your group is good with electronics, they can even maybe figure out a way to get these to power your other electronic devices.
Discreet Bullets
Ro-100mm Soft Tip Bullet
Beaver Shot
First Aid Pouch with Vibe
If I need to explain why bullets are important in the Zombie Outbreak, then you're going to be dead first. Oh wait... "bullets," right. As we have all learned from the thousands and thousands of zombie movies, video games, and books, after awhile zombies are no longer your real concern. It's other survivors stealing your stuff. Having a set of "toys" that look like something else is not a bad idea since these toys all look like actual bullets and our small first aid kits. It's likely they may indeed end up being stolen from you, but you can take joy in the fact that the person who steals your Beaver Shot is going to be eaten when they try to load that plastic shell into their gun in a desperate last attempt to fend of the hoards of the undead, and when they pull the trigger their gun begins to vibrate hilariously. You know, before they are torn to pieces by zombies. The other nice part of these toys is they are all small and lightweight, and because they look like what they do look like, no one in your group of survivors is going to get suspicious as you cling to it and protect it like you do, so you can keep the fun all to yourself.
Dual Purpose Toys
The Manhandler
Eleven
Fetish Fantasy Elite 20' Bondage Rope
Everyone knows that during the zombie apocalypse you need to keep a melee weapon on hand at all times, and that you never want to be carrying too much weight. Like I said before, no one mentions needing to get off. (It was brought up briefly in Survival of the Dead, pretty sure only I saw that movie.) Why not kill three zombies with one big fat rubber dildo. You have a wonderful melee weapon, it's light weight, and you can totally use it to diddle yourself or your partner. You're not carrying a heavy extra melee weapon or an extra dildo, how awesome is that? The Eleven is even functional as a crowbar, so if you're carrying that around you've reduced your carry weight significantly. I'd also like to point out that any survivors that see you pummeling zombies with The Manhandler that thought about stealing your stuff will now think twice. Rope is always useful and the Fetish Fantasy Rope is made of silicone so you can clean it. And just because the world ended doesn't mean you stopped being into bondage, just Safe, Sane, Consensual really comes into play here. If zombies bust in while your sub is tied up, you need to be able to get them out of those bonds really quickly. Good Doms will sacrifice themselves until their sub can escape.
You will need to be able to start a fire when winter comes, kindling is important.
What Does Allen Suggest we burn?
This kit should help keep you both alive and sexually satisfied during the Zombie Outbreak that is most certainly coming. The CDC is suggesting people be prepared for Zombies, I think this is a reasonable addition to every kit, next to your powdered water, and extra toilet paper. Good luck out there. Hope to see you at the end of it. I'll be the tall guy wielding a shovel, with the foot long mohawk...can't miss me.
Ohh and if you do decide to go Z...these things...
Duhh..
biting is bad