"What’s the biggest virginity myth you ever heard? Women bleed the first time they have intercourse? There is a way to test for virginity? A man will have sex with anyone just to ‘lose it’? Only sexually-active women get ‘hymen repair’ surgery?"
Am I a Virgin?
Any sex myth can all be harmful in its own way...mainly in that it's false. Sex and falsehoods never really make for good results. But what about the ones that can not only put your body at risk when you engage in sexual intercourse, but place a stigma on you as a person as well? A lot of those types of myths have to do with the ever-controversial subject of virginity:
MYTH: Virginity Tests
It is a widely held belief that there is a way to "test" if a woman is a virgin. It is also a widely held belief that a girl is not a virgin if her hymen is broken, which of course means that it is also believed that losing your virginity is defined by a broken hymen.
All of this is untrue.
There is NO actual, scientific, official, medical way to test if a girl is a virgin. There just isn't. There's no tool or chemical that will yield a "virgin/non-virgin" result. There is no medical definition for virginity. Even bleeding is no indication because not everyone bleeds the first time. I didn't. It is a very nebulous, social, and culturally created concept. Some people say that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the only way to truly "lose" virginity. So does that mean that homosexual men and women are virgins forever? (For the record, I don't think so.) How about oral sex? Anal? Manual? Some people count this as loss or "giving" up of virginity, some don't. Different cultures believe different things. Different people living different lives and having different sexual identities don't all fit into the vaginal-penetration mold.
And notice that this particular myth singles out women? Men don't have hymens to break, so no one bothers to wonder about male virginity tests. That's because the idea that drives this myth comes from ages ago when a woman was considered the property of her father until she was married off to her next owner, her husband. The phrase "damaged goods" referred to the woman if she had had sex before marriage. The woman was considered, quite literally, a damaged product if she was not a virgin. It was more a tool of oppression than anything else. The woman's worth was measured by her hymen. Often a woman whose hymen had been broken by natural causes, which is common, was labeled as damaged when she hadn't actually had pre-marital sex. These "tests" were often performed by male "doctors" and were....none too pleasant for the woman in question.
Scarleteen.com, a site for teens (and anyone who wants to ask) to find unbiased facts about sex, states that hymens are actually not solid anyway. There are already small openings in the tissue before the hymen is actually "broken." If the hymen were solid, menstrual blood would not actually be able to leave the body, which could cause harmful infections. This is actually referred to as an "imperforate hymen," a condition in which the hymen is solid and must be perforated by a doctor to allow menstrual blood to escape.
The website virginitymovie.com is the main site for a documentary in progress called "How to Lose Your Virginity." It is a documentary examining ideas, myths, and social concepts surrounding American attitudes toward virginity. It discusses history, religion, and the many, many different and varying personal experiences of people all over the US. It's a great place to start if you're curious about what virginity means to you, or other people, or even if you don't actually believe in virginity at all.
MYTH: Homosexuals Can't Have REAL Sex
As I mentioned above, the hurtful, harmful, yet pervasive idea that homosexual intercourse isn't real again deals with the subject of "virginity" or "purity." If penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex is what we define as "real" sex, then does that mean that homosexual men and women are just virgins for eternity?
Personally, I do not believe so. But unfortunately, a lot of others would say "yes."
This, once more, comes down to socially-accepted definitions of virginity vs. personal ones. What virginity means to a heterosexual person is definitely going to be different than what it means for a homosexual or even bisexual person. If loss of virginity means vaginal penetration by a penis, then what about a lesbian woman who has been penetrated by her partner's fingers? Or a bisexual man who's first partner also happened to be male? What about strap-ons or oral?
Things aren't so black and white to just throw it all into a hetero-normative mold and be done with it. And let's face it, it's insulting to have someone tell you that the sex you have with a partner you care about isn't "real" because it doesn't fit their mold.
Am I a Slut?
On the opposite side of the "virgin" coin, there is the "slut" coin and all the double-standards and myths that go along with it. It's a subject just as controversial and murky as when to call yourself a virgin or not.
Multiple Partners
I, personally, do not believe that having multiple partners alone designates someone a "slut." I have had 2 sexual partners total and I'm marrying the second one. Technically, that's multiple partners. Some people would put me in the same category as a person who has had 20, 25, 30 or 40 partners.
But does it really matter if I've had 2 or 22? Whose business is it anyway?
I would say that the only people whose business it is would be the person and their partners. I would say as long as they all use the right protection to prevent the contraction or spread of STDs, avoid any unwanted pregnancies, and as long as everyone is honest and OK with the situation and understands what they want (be it a polyamorous relationship, or a monogamous one), then who cares?
My own, personal definition of a "slut" is someone who uses deceptive actions in their sex life, be it lying about an STD, use of birth control, or about exclusivity. Dishonesty and purposeful, malicious deception and sex are a hurtful, and sometimes deadly, combination. And this can be either a woman OR a man.
This brings me to my next subject...
Women Are Sluts, Men Are "Pimpin'”
I can't count how many times I have heard someone say that a woman is a "slut" or a "whore" because of the number, however big or small, of partners she's had, and a man praised for how many women he's "conquered" in bed. Why are women shamed and chastised for exercising the same sexual tendencies that men are so admired for?
The recent term for it is "slut-shaming" or putting a woman down for being a "slut." And that could mean anything, like wearing a low-cut shirt, hanging out at a bar at night, or having more than one sex partner. Nowadays it seems that a woman can hardly walk outside without someone finding a reason to call her a "slut."
Dictionary.com defines "slut" as "an immoral or dissolute woman; a prostitute."
Well...it would seem that by today's standards there are a whole hell of a lot of "prostitutes" wandering around these days. (Honestly, I'm not all that bothered if a woman actually is a prostitute, as long as she willingly chose to be so and isn't being abused. But that's a whole other discussion in and of itself.)
And also, there are a lot of different ideas about what makes someone "immoral or dissolute." That's a pretty broad term if you ask me. My idea of immoral is going to be way different than someone who is, say, a Catholic Nun. Or even a less extreme example, the neighbors down the street who don't believe in same sex marriage.
As I said above, I define a "slut" as someone who is willingly deceptive and dishonest to their sexual partners. I don't discriminate by gender on that.
Some people aren't comfortable using that word at all toward anyone. And that's okay too.
So What Does It All Mean?
I wrote this article with the intention of starting discussion. I also picked the things I did because to me, they seemed like the most controversial and deeply-ingrained in western culture, especially the concept of virginity and how to define it.
Maybe some of you disagree with me on what is a "myth" and what isn't. (For the record, the first one about the broken hymens defining a women's virginity is a myth. The condition of "imperforate hymen" does exist, and this can be researched. The bibliography contains links for more information.) But to whoever reads this, please keep in mind I do not mean to step on any toes or speak my opinion as fact (minus the medical conditions mentioned above. I do try to state fact as fact and my opinion as opinion.)
The important thing is to ask yourself how you may have been affected by some of these myths and what they mean to you as an individual and when to know the difference between what is actually a fact and what is a personal opinion or belief you may be putting on someone else.