People want to think that transmen are either not having sex due to their own dysphoria (the disconnect with your body that causes great emotional and mental distress), or that they would only top cisgender women, or only bottom for cisgender male partners. Worse, there is the idea that anal sex can’t possibly feel nice if you don’t have a prostate. I hope I don’t have to say every person is different and unique, so the idea that a transman couldn’t top, or even bottom to their partners shouldn’t be so surprising. But maybe it’s the idea of a trans person having sex at all that surprises a lot of people. Regardless of their sex position preference or if they choose to have sex at all, they’re still men. A lot are going to like anal, a lot are going to want to penetrate their partners, some might even like having sex with the junk they already have too. Right away that means if a transman has vaginal sex, he’s still a man. Let’s put it this way, a woman suddenly isn’t a gay man for having anal sex, preference doesn’t determine your sexuality or gender. So having sex with a transgender man doesn’t make you a lesbian if you’re a woman (or straight if you’re a guy), but it does mean you’re attracted to men. Because transgender men are men.

You’re probably thinking if a transman has the same “equipment” as a ciswoman, then what is the difference in bedding them?

Now dysphoria will play a factor, and each transman is different, so depending where they are on their transition you’ll have to ask their comfort level with their own body before you have sex. Some will want you to touch their genitals, or their chests, or their vaginas, others will not.

So aside from the obvious answer of “the gender is different,” there are other differences between a transman and a ciswoman, like that there are bodily differences. Yes, transmen are physically different, especially if they’re on hormones. Hormones control everything in the body, from your mental state to physical state. It changes the face shape to be more masculine, the body fat to lay more masculinely, muscle growth develops more masculinely, the hair pattern changes to you guessed it, more masculinely.

It also controls your sex organs. Transmen on hormones tend to have genital growth. Their clits (some of which prefer to call them dicks, t-dicks, etc) extend and grow and look like miniature phalluses. It grows and gets erect just like a cisgender man’s dick, just on a much smaller scale. Enough so that you can perform oral on just the phallus part quite effectively. With the added bonus of not choking, if you like that.

Also their vaginas typically don’t secrete as often, causing dryness and irritation through vaginal penetration (not always of course). But since their dicks are growing, and most of the clit is internal, it tends to grow inside as well and that can make vaginal penetration difficult, (let alone the emotional discomfort it could provide). Now if you know anything about the vagina, you know that the wall between the anal canal and the vagina is very thin. So if the clit is engorged, the G spot is more accessible through the anus. It’s pretty easy to follow logic that a lot of people don’t consider. You don’t need a prostate to get an orgasm through anal sex for a transman, because our “G spots” are just as accessible through anal sex, and sometimes more comfortable both physically and mentally that way.

Another difference is surgical. Have they gotten top surgery to reconstruct their chest to a more masculine one? Have they gotten bottom surgery to have a phallus? There’s two categories of bottom surgery too, meta or simple release, or phallo. Meta makes the same result as a small Greek statue penis, and phallo is near identical to a natal penis without sperm. Both if meta is long enough, can penetrate. So there is a lot of physical differences between cisgender women and transmen, all of which vary and can not be assumed by the sole fact you know someone is transgender.

But going back to ‘the obvious answer of “the gender is different,”’ you’re most likely attracted to gender presentation, not genitals. Unless the only way you find a passing man in the street attractive is by stopping him and demanding to see his genitals, you don’t have a “preference,” you’re just unfamiliar and shouldn’t let your own assumptions stop you from making connections. I’m not saying you have to have sex with a transman, no one if forcing you, but don’t believe it’s sex with a woman. It’s very different and the bodies might be similar, but they are not the same and shouldn’t be treated the same.

Besides, if you want to be penetrated and that’s what’s stopping you from sleeping with a transman (if you are assuming he hasn’t gotten some form of bottom surgery) strap-ons exist, with the added benefit of ones that can vibrate.

Though of course, no one is saying you HAVE to have sex with anyone you don't want to, but we're also saying that if the misconceptions on how to have sex with transmen is why you're hesitant then educating yourself on real trans issues is the best thing to do to be an ally.