Reaching Out of the Darkness
(This article deals heavily with the subjects of rape and abuse. Please take care while reading, and step away from the computer if you feel any symptoms of panic.)
In a culture that vilifies victims rather than their attackers, seeking help can be extremely difficult. Identifying that help is needed in the first place is, in itself, quite a task, and the burden is hard to shoulder alone, especially when the wounds - both physical and mental - are still fresh. Many women struggle with self-doubt, wondering if they're being melodramatic, exaggerating, or imagining things. Others face self-blame and the feeling that whatever happened was something they brought upon themselves. The most common responses to women who seek help for a traumatic assault only amplify these feelings and add to the confusion. To be told to "suck it up" and "deal with it" or that it's "no big deal" can have a massively detrimental impact on a survivor as she attempts to make sense of what happened to her and figure out where to go from there.
I remember my own struggle as a perfect example of the trials faced by women who have been assaulted. Too many nights, I avoided sleep, knowing only nightmares would await me. Every moment of my life was spent saturated in terror and dread. It would be ages before I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and finally have a name for the thing that was eating away at my life, at my heart, at my soul. In my particular case, I had been in an abusive relationship for almost a year. He was loud, funny, charismatic - the kind of man whose demeanor made it seem impossible that he could harm a fly, let alone rape and abuse a woman. Even I found it hard to believe, and I had just experienced it first-hand. Months passed with me completely in denial, refusing to admit it to myself, because admitting it would make it real.
It took me years to find help. I didn't know where to start. I had tried asking my friends, who were mutual friends with my ex. I went to people who were supposed to support me, looking for support, and received none, or in certain cases, worse than that. They did not believe me.
This is not an uncommon story. Many women find that when they first speak out about what they've endured, they will be ignored, they will be talked over, told they're liars. If they know the perpetrator, then this treatment evolves into the sort of monster that destroys what few aspects of your life you thought you had a hold on, turning friends against you, and making enemies of people you've never even met.
Harriet J of Fugitivus.net says:
"There is an argument to be made for how awesome it can be to lose the kind of friends who would refuse to believe you; in fact, I’ve made that argument. But, as I say a lot, a person’s primary consideration needs to be their own safety. Losing friends doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s not a process acted out only between you and the other person. It turns into a bad break-up scenario. What do you do about mutual friends? What if they show up at the same party? What if you still have classes with them, or a job? Now throw in rape with all these things. Disclosing your rape to a friend is very vulnerable, not just because of how they might react in the moment and how that will make you feel, but because of what might happen after. That is, are they going to tell people you’ve been raped? People you don’t want to know? People who are maybe your rapist?"
She goes on to say:
"It’s not so simple to end a friendship, any friendship, and it is less simple when you end that friendship based on a very vulnerable piece of knowledge that you don’t want the whole world knowing."
This is what happened to me, and I have spoken to an alarming amount of women who tell me that this is exactly what happened to them, as well. When the people you depend on are telling you to shut up and go away, where do you go from there? How are you to know where to turn for the help you need?
In a culture that vilifies victims rather than their attackers, seeking help can be extremely difficult. Identifying that help is needed in the first place is, in itself, quite a task, and the burden is hard to shoulder alone, especially when the wounds - both physical and mental - are still fresh. Many women struggle with self-doubt, wondering if they're being melodramatic, exaggerating, or imagining things. Others face self-blame and the feeling that whatever happened was something they brought upon themselves. The most common responses to women who seek help for a traumatic assault only amplify these feelings and add to the confusion. To be told to "suck it up" and "deal with it" or that it's "no big deal" can have a massively detrimental impact on a survivor as she attempts to make sense of what happened to her and figure out where to go from there.
I remember my own struggle as a perfect example of the trials faced by women who have been assaulted. Too many nights, I avoided sleep, knowing only nightmares would await me. Every moment of my life was spent saturated in terror and dread. It would be ages before I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and finally have a name for the thing that was eating away at my life, at my heart, at my soul. In my particular case, I had been in an abusive relationship for almost a year. He was loud, funny, charismatic - the kind of man whose demeanor made it seem impossible that he could harm a fly, let alone rape and abuse a woman. Even I found it hard to believe, and I had just experienced it first-hand. Months passed with me completely in denial, refusing to admit it to myself, because admitting it would make it real.
It took me years to find help. I didn't know where to start. I had tried asking my friends, who were mutual friends with my ex. I went to people who were supposed to support me, looking for support, and received none, or in certain cases, worse than that. They did not believe me.
This is not an uncommon story. Many women find that when they first speak out about what they've endured, they will be ignored, they will be talked over, told they're liars. If they know the perpetrator, then this treatment evolves into the sort of monster that destroys what few aspects of your life you thought you had a hold on, turning friends against you, and making enemies of people you've never even met.
Harriet J of Fugitivus.net says:
"There is an argument to be made for how awesome it can be to lose the kind of friends who would refuse to believe you; in fact, I’ve made that argument. But, as I say a lot, a person’s primary consideration needs to be their own safety. Losing friends doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s not a process acted out only between you and the other person. It turns into a bad break-up scenario. What do you do about mutual friends? What if they show up at the same party? What if you still have classes with them, or a job? Now throw in rape with all these things. Disclosing your rape to a friend is very vulnerable, not just because of how they might react in the moment and how that will make you feel, but because of what might happen after. That is, are they going to tell people you’ve been raped? People you don’t want to know? People who are maybe your rapist?"
She goes on to say:
"It’s not so simple to end a friendship, any friendship, and it is less simple when you end that friendship based on a very vulnerable piece of knowledge that you don’t want the whole world knowing."
This is what happened to me, and I have spoken to an alarming amount of women who tell me that this is exactly what happened to them, as well. When the people you depend on are telling you to shut up and go away, where do you go from there? How are you to know where to turn for the help you need?
it took courage to share your story - thank you.
very brave
Ah, thank you for sharing this article. I was sexually assaulted by a long time childhood friend, and when I told people I was called a liar and a slut. I didn't have the courage to take legal action- why would the police believe me when my own family didn't? I'm still angry over it, and several relationships have been damaged from it. I am sharing this because I want others to hear that it's ok, and that they aren't alone.