The first time a boyfriend went down on me, it was...okay. The novelty was more of a thrill than the sensations, the experience more exciting than the actuality. I felt his tongue (and his nose, and his lips) and there was a little finger. At one point he bumped my clit. And he made enough happy noises while he nibbled that it didn’t really seem to matter that I did not feel the need to make any sounds myself.

Yeah, it was okay.

The second time, too. The third as well. But it was probably around the thirtieth time that I started to wonder, really, is that it?

Books and movies insisted it wasn’t. In books, the guy barely needs to breathe on her pussy for her to be orgasming wildly. In the movies...well, in the movies, they’ll explode in ecstasy at the drop of a hat, but the girls still seemed to be having a sense-soaring, mind-blowing, abso-fucking-fan-lutely-tas-tic-lick-me-till-my-tits-fall-off time.

So why wasn’t I?

A lot of girls, I read in learned forums and articles, don’t like cunnilingus because (deep breath) of poor body image...fear that they smell bad...unable to relax...it just feels weird. And others because it’s never done right, which is the cue for a long list of all the Dos and Don’ts of giving your girl the licking of her life.

All of which are very true. There’s a world of TV commercials and magazine articles that suggest freshness and cleanliness are almost insurmountable issues down there unless we regularly use insert product name here. We might think we’re too fat and tummy rolls are ugly. Or contrarily, too thin, and the ribcage is off-putting. It could be all of these things and a few more besides and, on top of all that, if he’s really trying to start your engine, why is he messing around with the back axle?

I put away the magazines and asked some friends instead. They also thought it was “okay.” Apart from a couple who said he’d never done it, and others who said they’d never let him try. One girl waxed rhapsodic on the subject, and we talked about the things that her man did different. I picked up a few tips and broached them the next time the occasion seemed right. He was a fast learner.

It was okay.

A few things about me that you may already know if you’ve read anything else I’ve written. I’m not shy of oral sex. I don’t think I have any body image issues. I’m not shy and I know how to relax. Oh, and the first time a guy went down on me after we’d fucked, and sucked his own cum out of me, I came as hard as I ever have. But only the first time. After that...well, it was better than okay, but it still didn’t move mountains. It was the surprise, not the sensations that set me off, I decided, but that’s no way to go through life.

Then a thought occurred to me. It’s all very well having a guy who knows exactly what he’s doing. But did I know what I was doing? That was the question.

Back to the books and articles. I’m paraphrasing from memory, so don’t ask me for sources. But “I wrapped my legs around his head and his mouth sent me to heaven.” Yuk. I hate flowery erotica. Hold on, though. If your legs are wrapped around his head (visualize that for a moment), how is he meant to move? Surely his face would just be pressed into you, and you’re frozen like a pair of XXX statues?

“His face was streaked with my juices.” Wonderful visual, but once again - how? I thought back to the movies. She lies on her back, he kneels between her legs. The camera closes in on a long probing tongue, and there she goes, howling like a pack of whacked out wolves, though he’s nowhere near her clitoris. Okay, either you can only get a job in porn if you’re super-super sensitive. Or...

Or, porn is primarily a visual art (there’s emotional and psychological components too, but we won’t worry about them today) which means the camera loves the acts that offer the most exposure to the eye. It’s why blowjobs are so popular, because there’s nothing more viscerally graphic. It’s also why a lot of other acts are done in ways that you may not think are especially comfortable or even enjoyable. Because it’s the only way the camera can close in upon the action; and just because something looks good on camera, does that mean it has to feel good in reality?

Again, fellatio works because all he has to do is lie there, and there’s a lot of cock to work with. Cunnilingus, on the other hand, offers less room to maneuver. It’s delicate work, precision work. And if he’s missing the spot, or the spot’s missing him, then maybe it’s your job to make the introductions?

I do not remember the precise sequence of events. I just know that it worked.

First, a position that was comfortable for us both. My legs hanging over the edge of a chair or the bed, while he knelt on the floor before me. No cricked necks, no bad angles. Just lots of lovely room in which to wriggle.

A finger that joins his tongue at work...not to guide him, because he knew what he was doing. Just to help things along. Don’t feel embarrassed when you do it, either. Seriously, he won’t be offended or put off. Guys like to watch girls playing with themselves.

Two fingers stretching your labia wider. It’s amazing how far those little puppies will go, and amazing how great it feels when they do. A lot of guys will part them gently for fear of hurting you or doing you a mischief. But you know when enough is enough and, again, he will thank you for showing him. We know from the mirror just how beautiful a fully spread pussy looks. Now he does as well, and there’s more to eat, too!

And finally...don’t just lie back and let him do the work. The leg wrapped around his head makes sense, because while he’s doing his thing, you’re doing yours, riding with his movements, bucking your hips. Feeling those fingers jamming you hard. Fucking his face while his mouth fucks you back. Until you reach that point where legs and hands both clamp him close, he’s sucking your clitoris into his mouth, and...and...wow. That was a lot more than okay. That was amazing.

It doesn’t all happen at once. For a woman who isn’t at all accustomed to moving much during sex, actually pushing your sex into your man’s face is not something that’s going to come easily. Self-imposed barriers need to be broken down first. Decorum needs to be dented.

There may also be issues of male ego to contend with; no matter how much a man enjoys eating pussy, the most common assumption is that he is pleasing you. We aren’t the only ones who think we only need to lie back and enjoy it. Guys think like that as well, and the idea of his once placid platter suddenly rising up to bang him back could leave him wondering what he’s doing wrong. It’s up to you to let him know that you couldn’t do this without him; that everything he does is spot-on perfect; that this just adds to your fun. And, hopefully, his.

So yes. There’s a lot of things a guy can do to make receiving oral a magical moment. But there’s a few things that you can be doing as well, and I’ll tell you something else. He won’t be asking in an uncertain voice, “how was that for you?” He will know the answer already.