Communication in BDSM is widely accepted to be the most important aspect. You might ask yourself why? In this article I will tell you why I think before you start any BDSM play you should sit down with your partner and talk.

With BDSM there are two main reasons why communication is extra important.
1. The vague nature of the word BDSM
2. The possibility for increased risk

So lets look at the first one. As I mentioned in my first article BDSM means a lot of things. It is three acronyms and even those acronyms can be vague as to what they relate to. Because of this ambiguity you need to sit down and actually figure out what your partner likes. For example if they like bondage what do they like to be tied up with? Is it leather, rope, metal? How long do they want to be tied up for? 10 minutes, 1 hour, 24 hours? How do they want to be tied up? Frog tie, box tie, hog tie? Now you might not understand all of that if you are not a bondage enthusiast, but the point is that even saying you are into bondage is not specific enough because there is so much you can do. So what is the only way you can solve this issue and find out what your partner really wants? Communication!

Now second is this idea about risk. All sex carries risks with it. You have the risk of a sexually transmitted infection, you have the risk of pregnancy, you have the risk of physical damage to your genitals, but certain BDSM activities have additional risk. If you are tying someone up there are circulation and nerve risks. If you are roleplaying there is the risk you might emotionally go too far. This is not to say BDSM is any better or worse, just that it adds some additional risks to your sex life and that these risks can be mitigated through communication. If you know what your partner likes because you asked him or her then you know what to do. You can pick activities you both like and avoid the ones you dislike.

So now that we have gone over some basics about why communication is essential to BDSM I want to talk about how to communicate.

I was the person in my relationship who brought up adding a BDSM dynamic. It has always been a fantasy of mine and I really wanted to try some things out. But that was a nerve wracking experience. Oftentimes you already have a relationship established, you have a sex life already, and you are about to throw a wrench in it. So my point here is that if your partner tells you they are into BDSM try to understand that is hard to say and try to be as non-judgmental as possible. I ran over how to say it in my head countless times before I told my girlfriend.

Now if your partner tells you they are into BDSM and you are unsure about it, that is okay. You do not need to accept it with open arms right away. Feel free to take time to think about it, but be careful how you say that. I think saying, "Thank you for sharing your likes, but I am just not comfortable with that right now and I want some time to research and think about it," is a great way to respond if you need some time. Be honest and open that maybe you do not want to partake in everything your partner has said, but do not be judgmental. Try not to use words like, "gross, yuck, that's wrong," because those can be very damaging to your partner.

Our relationship went very slow into BDSM and it is still evolving. We still talk before and after play frequently and re-evaluate what we like. It can be slow going and sometimes we have miscommunication, but if we did not take the time to talk it would not work. There is just no way trial and error would ever lead to a happy and healthy sex life.

Now if you are sharing your BDSM interests, understand your partner may not have seen photos, read articles, and watched porn around that subject. They may be unfamiliar with your vocabulary, the actions you describe and why you find certain things sexually arousing. They also might feel like you are telling them your sex life is inadequate and you need something more. And that is not something anybody wants to hear. So if you are the person telling your partner you like BDSM also go slow. Take time to explain what things mean. Take time to explain you will go slow. Take time to reinforce the positives of your relationship. Take time to reinforce that things are good, but you want to add something new.

Hopefully this article provides some help to people beginning to dip their toes into BDSM and I wish you all the best in your sexual endeavors.