“You don’t want to gag a woman with your penis unless you have some serious issues with the way you see women.” So says Kirsten Powers, ex-girlfriend of sex-scandal star Congressman Anthony Weiner, in a piece for The Daily Beast. She is referencing his sexting relationship with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer. The transcript of their texts was posted by Radar Online, including one bit that prompted Powers’ musing: “You will gag on me before you c** with me in you” and “[I’m] thinking about gagging your hot mouth with my c***.”

This column is not about Weiner. I’m pretty over political sex scandals and am inclined to think that someone like Weiner wanted to get caught, consciously or unconsciously. The only positive thing I can say about such scandals is that they do help shed light on just how unenlightened we are about topics like monogamy and BDSM. Here we have an example of a woman making a blanket statement about something she clearly doesn’t know the first thing about, simply because it offends her.

You know the phrase, “Taken out of context, I must seem so strange?” That goes double for pulling random bits of erotic conversation, texted or otherwise, and analyzing them as if they told a whole story. Without the motivation of the person sending and receiving them, you really don’t know anything, and yet it seems that a default anti-BDSM reaction is acceptable. Our public squeamishness over the fact that some people can eroticize pain, degradation, and being ordered around, safely, consensually and pleasurably, is nothing more than a prejudice that needs to be eradicated.

For instance, I had an extended, kinky relationship with someone where the bulk of our exchanges occurred via email, phone calls and texting. Some of our interactions were in person but far more were done via these means. We had built up plenty of previous knowledge about each other when he told me, “I want to rape you.” Now, of course if someone had grabbed my phone at that very moment and that was all they saw, they might think this person was violent. But there is a world of difference between discussing a rape fantasy and actual rape, just as someone saying they want to “gag” someone (or be gagged), would, in a consensual case, mean that both parties are mutually interested in the exchange. I knew exactly what he meant, and he knew that I knew — and that I thought it was hot. That’s not something I’d take lightly, and I’ll admit that even though we’d been talking about that very thing, using the words “force” and “make” were easier for me than using the word “rape.” The truth is, we went farther in some ways than I ever have with a lover precisely because I trusted him so much, and because our fantasies aligned so perfectly, feeding off each other.

I’m aware that from afar it might be hard to tell the difference when all you have is someone’s words, stark and disconnected, which is why I wouldn’t presume to jump in and tell someone else how to behave, or how to fantasize. I can tell you that when I read Powers’ words, I felt like slut-shamed, because I’ve had exchanges just as risqué, just as perverted (and I use that word proudly). The art of verbal degradation is a fine one, and it’s not for the fainthearted or those who have poor social skills or misogynists or those who simply want to spout out their fantasy without acknowledging the other person.

Another lover, who I’d engaged in rough sex with, straight out asked me how far is too far, what names I like to be called, thereby both establishing some boundaries and, in my opinion, making for some hot foreplay. Far from detracting from a dominant’s power, in my opinion, checking in, as well as making a sub acknowledge exactly what it is that floats their boat, can be very hot.

Again, I am not talking about non-consensual exchanges. But I think it’s important for those of us who are kinky, or who have engaged in kinky play, to stand up for our right to do so. That doesn’t mean you have to post the highly personal details of your exchanges online, and I wouldn’t recommend running for office and leaving a paper trail of things you wouldn’t want your constituents to know, but it does mean speaking up for yourself, and not letting ignorance rule. It also means checking our own inner censors and making sure we don't turn around and make unwarranted judgments about other people's sex lives, especially where we don't have all the facts.

Please note that I’m not saying anyone has to participate in BDSM or even fully understand it; I’m all about keeping a live and let live attitude. But when having an opinion on a specific case morphs into having an opinion on anyone, anywhere, who might be into the kind of sexual fantasy that you’re not, you need to step back and analyze how your own prejudices come into play.

The point of fantasies is that they come from somewhere that isn’t always logical or rational. Some people might be inclined to investigate where their fantasies come from, what they “mean,” but I tend to think of them like art, where there are multiple interpretations, where the point is to make us feel something stemming from somewhere beyond our brain. To me that’s what makes them hot and makes me quite certain that my brain is my biggest sex organ, and someone with a filthy mind will impress me much more quickly than any other body part.

Drawing a direct, judgmental line like Powers does from a fantasy, expressed consensually between adults, and your own politics and interests, should be offensive no matter what you think of Weiner or BDSM. Maybe it’s not for you, and that’s perfectly fine, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone, and I’d hate to live in a world where someone else reigned supreme and told me what I can and can’t do in bed (or on my phone). It’s all too easy to sound high and mighty when you are personally put off by something, especially something sexual, without ever considering that someone could be equally justified in being outraged about your own personal peccadilloes. So for all of us who are into things like gagging, choking, and giving or following orders, don’t let anyone tell you that you have a problem. I’m not assessing your sex life (or psyche), so please don’t make sweeping judgments about mine. Anthony Weiner may or may not have issues with women. He’s certainly not alone in what he fantasized about, but the only assumption you can make from what he texted is that he’s into sending dirty, kinky texts. And there’s nothing wrong with that!