Okay, heterosexual guys, listen up. You’ve seen that hunk on the horse in the Old Spice ad, right?

“Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me.”

Women love that ad. You can tell, if you look at a woman looking at that guy. Then you look at that guy. Then back at the woman ... and suddenly, you are sad that you are not him. Even one more look at that guy is going to make you want, if only for a moment, to gargle with Old Spice just for the extra carcinogens. It is in such moments that you think: It sucks to be a straight guy.

You do not dare to say this out loud because it will elicit a major eye-roll from any women within earshot, all of whom know that it cannot possibly suck to be a heterosexual male—since it clearly does not suck to be the guy on the horse, or George Clooney, or Johnny Depp, who all naturally ooze precisely the amount of testosterone, at any given moment, that the average woman can imagine licking off their bodies.

We imagine, right then, that women want us to ooze similarly. For just a second, we contemplate buying the Old Spice, and then we remember that her dad uses it, and he is 50 or 80 or 100 years old—whatever it is you think is old—and we hastily set the thought aside. Ewwww.

So, you go back to being the guy you were before the guy on the horse rode through your living room, at least until later, when you wonder if she is still thinking about the guy on the horse while you are having sex with her, or, worse, you find yourself lying in bed alone thinking unmanly thoughts about the guy on the horse. The next morning, you don’t shave, skip the hair products and wear primary colors. You are fine. What made you think, for a moment or for a night, that it is so tough being a heterosexual male?

On the radio, driving to work, you flip through the stations. Howard Stern still has a small penis. You don’t believe him. Tiger Woods is sorry he slept with a porn star. You don’t really believe him, either. Tony Kornheiser is back on the air after his suspension for mocking Hannah Storm for dressing like a Catholic schoolgirl. He is sorry and you don’t know what to make of him. Women who like to wear Catholic schoolgirl outfits should be encouraged, in your view.

So Kornheiser is out of the hetero guy club, as far as you are concerned. Tiger, also, is out, though not for the reasons you are hearing on the radio. You certainly do not kick a man out of the hetero guys club for sleeping with a porn star. You do not kick him out of the club for sleeping with … what … 15 other Tiger groupies, even if he is married with two kids. You kick him out for being such a complete world-class, lying dork about it. If you are a MARRIED straight guy, of course, you have to kick him out of the club for EVERYTHING, unless your marriage is non-monogamous by mutual agreement. You may even have to agree to help beat Tiger to death with a two iron should you ever have the opportunity, but the married with kids/straight guy club has tougher rules than the regular straight guy club, which is what we are more generally concerned with here. Married straight guys with kids could not watch the Masters this year without swearing an oath to root for Phil Michelson. Though that is not, by itself, enough for them to whine that it is tough to be them.

Here are the top three reasons we might think it is tough to be a straight guy these days, along with real, actual straight guy reasons why we would be wrong. The percentages are digital and highly scientific, having been made up by me, a heterosexual guy who has slept with the three women who told me they thought I might be gay when they first met me, one of whom occasionally still has her doubts.

Survey says: It is tough to be a straight guy because …

I am not having sex (47 percent): Yes, this number seemed high to me, initially, when I first made it up. But you have to break it down—this includes all the straight guys who have never had sex, all the straight guys who just got dumped by their girlfriends, all the straight guys who cannot get a date or afford a prostitute … AND at least 35 percent of the married straight guy club.

Now, not having sex and not even knowing when (or if) you will ever have sex again is obviously one of the worst states in which a heterosexual guy can find himself. But this is 2010, and it is a far, far better time for a straight guy to not be having sex than ever before in human history. Think about it. Masturbation is better than ever. You younger guys may not believe this, but it has not even been 20 years since the federal government was arresting people for having porn on their computers.

And—let’s face it, if the reason you are not having sex is because you cannot get a date, that does not mean that being a heterosexual male is difficult. It could be, simply, that you are not very good at it. Try losing some weight, going to the dentist, getting a haircut and expanding your range of approaches from your tried-and-failed “U make me so hot. Want to fuck” sent to random w4ms on Craigslist.

I go out on lots of dates but women won’t have sex with me (23 percent): This situation is almost enough to make a straight guy wish he was a woman, frankly, and is therefore a good reason to think that being a straight guy is really, really difficult. After all, women clearly can have sex whenever they want! They just have to go out with you, and there it is for the having! However, think about it. If you were a woman, would you have sex with you? Try putting yourself in her shoes; black pumps with three inch heels will do. Put on some lingerie and makeup. Now look in the mirror.

It’s amazing what guys will do when they are desperate, isn’t it? This kind of desperation is not pretty, and it will not get you laid. At least try to LOOK like a straight guy, for godsakes, and work from there.

My wife/girlfriend/FWB wants to have sex all the time, even during important televised sporting events (9 percent): Much as the rest of us would like to sympathize, we do not. This, too, shall pass. We look forward to meeting your lover on AshleyMadison.com someday soon.

So, you might ask, what about the rest of us? If we do the math, this leaves us with 21 percent straight guys who could complain about something, but realize we get laid more if we just keep our mouths shut and go about our straight-guy business. We laugh at the straight–guy jokes on TV. We don’t make excuses for straight guy bad behavior. We think that it is still probably harder to be a woman than it is to be a man and so we are feminists, or try to be. We are certain that it is more difficult to be gay or lesbian or queer than it is to be us.

We almost feel guilty about all of this, in fact. And, in conclusion, I know I speak for straight guys everywhere when I ask: “That guy on the horse—do you think he has a bigger dick than I do?”