The Secret War Against Gay Marriage

Perhaps it started with the likes of Elizabeth Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor, and their multiple, short-lived marriages. Maybe in continued in the 80s and 90s, with the likes of Prince Charles and Princess Diana proving that even a fairytale marriage can turn into a horror story. But the secret terrorist campaign against marriage only reached full force within the last half decade.

As gay marriage gained more support with the American people, the assault on traditional marriage became more virulent — and it was celebrities who were responsible for the most lethal blows.

Kim Kardashian, for example, blew $10 million on a nationally-publicized wedding only to have her marriage disintegrate less than three months later. Irish singer Sinead O’Conner vied to beat that; successfully ending her marriage in just over two weeks. Britney Spears is the current record holder; with just 22 hours.

Likewise, Tiger Woods kissed his marital bliss goodbye after systemically scoring more birdies off the course than he ever did on the professional golf circuit. Then there was Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose marriage of over 20 years ended when it was revealed he’d fathered a child by his household maid.

We even have a presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, standing before the nation preaching about the “sanctity of marriage” despite having cheated on two of his wives and embraced the concept (if not the ethical application) of an “open marriage.”

These are the secret warriors in the battle against gay marriage — and they have only one objective; convincing gays and lesbians nationwide that the last thing they ever want to do is get married.

If I’d actually spoken to one of these shadowy, undercover opponents of gay marriage, I assume they’d have said something like this:

“It’s a scorched-earth policy,” says my fictional interview subject — a gay marriage opponent and self-confessed “Matrimonial Terrorist” known only as Toby. “The only way to end the possibility of gay marriage is to turn marriage into such a contemptible, broken, trashy institution that no self-respecting gay would want to enter into one in the first place.”

“Victory means,” Toby warns, “we have to piss all over the institution of marriage itself.”

And to this end, Toby revealed that opponents of gay marriage have been waging a secret, undercover war against wedded bliss for years now.

From shore to shining shore, these wedding crashers have helped ensure divorce rates are skyrocketing, infidelity and adultery is rife and more and more Americans are choosing to abandon the concept of marriage altogether.

“What we want them to believe,” says Toby, “ is that marriage really is ‘only a piece of paper’ like the liberals claim.”

And as a result of their guerilla campaign, what was once seen as a beautiful commitment between two people now carries less significance than a drunken hookup in a nightclub bathroom stall.

And the campaign continues. Their latest project is to ensure that Housewives of New Jersey (or Orange Country, or Wherever-the-Fuck U.S.A.) prove it’s all about the wedding, not the marriage.

“That’s the way we’re going to distract the gays,” Toby sneers again, lighting his fiftieth cigarette of the imaginary interview. “Make them think it’s all materialism, not matrimony. Make it all about shiny things.”

“Wedding gifts. Pink limos. Matching linens. If we can make straight people think it’s all about a single, expensive day instead of a life-long commitment, we can go even deeper in undermining the institution those gays and lesbians were once trying to muscle into.”

He explains: “Forcing gay people to watch some spoiled princess balling her eyes out because her corsage was lilac instead of lavender is going to be the most effective way of making sure that no homosexual in their right mind would want anything to do with marriage.”

But even the shadowy forces pushing this anti-marriage agenda realize their campaign carries a heavy cost.

“It’s true — it’s like pissing in the punch bowl,” our anti-marriage activist told us. “It’s the only way to make sure nobody will want a taste.”

“We think marriage needs to be protected from gays and lesbians, even if the only way to do that is to utterly destroy it forever. If we can’t stop gays and lesbians wanting to get married,” he warns, “we’ll stop anybody wanting to get married.”

“Our philosophy is simple: We will be why America can’t have nice things.”

All is not lost, however. There is still a way to fight for gay marriage and maintain it as something worth fighting for. To protect the sanctity of marriage, hetrosexuals have to do the unthinkable and actually protect the sanctity of marriage.

But how can we do this? It’s simple:

Start by honoring and cherishing those we marry. Continue by remaining loyal and faithful to them. Finish up by ending the cycle in which 50 percent or more marriages end in divorce. Only by cherishing the institution of marriage will we ensure that it’s an institution gays and lesbians will want to be a part of too.

Gay marriage doesn’t mean anything unless marriage means something; and opponents of gay marriage are working hard to make sure that it no longer does.

It’s up to us to stop them.