The fashion police have apparently retired to a comfortable gig working the front desk at the United Bank of Switzerland, as a new 43 page dress code has just been released, much to the horror of lingerie-lovers across the globe.

If it were just a dress code, that would be one thing, but the elaborately detailed, totalitarian rules that make up this extensive document render it something altogether different. The usual requirements are there—the bank asks employees to present themselves clean and professionally—but then it starts getting into more personal areas, like requiring that men’s ties match the bone structure of their face (is that possible?) and requiring women to wear only flesh-colored underwear.

The dress code then heads way past suggestion territory and into telling-one-how-to-live territory, with declarations such as “Light makeup consisting of a foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick will enhance your personality,” and “If you wear a watch, it suggests reliability and that punctuality is a great concern to you.” Then there are the occasional moments of Zen meditation, such as: “A flawless appearance can bring inner peace and a sense of security.” Such tenets are leading some to ask whether UBS gone too far? Uh … yeah. When one can’t wear socks with “cartoon motifs” to work, something has gone horribly, horribly awry.

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