This Week's Pulse

This just in from the mainstream media: if you’re a woman, and you should suddenly find yourself out of a job (and we sure hope not), then there’s only one logical career path for you: stripping.


And Now, the Week in Hot

Hot new recreational activity for pageant-winners: gay-bashing! Yes, fresh off a well-publicized (on TMZ) spat with beloved civil rights pioneer Perez Hilton, newly-crowned Miss USA Carrie Prejean is turning the inherent goodness of her magic tiara to help the National Organization for Marriage...keep people from getting married. We’re sure all of this makes sense in some sort of twisted Bizarro land.

Hot new state to avoid both Carrie Prejean and Perez Hilton in: New Hampshire. The Granite State is poised to become the next winner in the gay marriage sweepstakes, as their state Senate voted Wednesday to legalize same-sex marriages. Live gay or die!

Hot new place to have sex: the Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle!

Hot new BDSM fetish: woolies! No, not Woolite—though that may come in handy for them down the road. Apparently there is an entire sub-sub-fetish culture tasked with making full-on wool bondage attire. We say: well, it’s still better than a Snuggie.

Hot new French trend: First Lady porn. The flat of one of Carla Bruni’s ex-boyfriends was robbed this past week, with the most valuable items missing being...nekkid Carla Bruni pics and vids. All this would normally captivate the French airwaves, but they’re too enthralled with President Sarkozy talking smack about all the other world leaders.

Hot new summer fashion trend: labial concealment. Who wants to be caught on the beach or by the pool with their ladyparts showing? Well, thanks to the makers of the Cuchini, that’ll never be a problem again. And how does this new miracle product work, you ask? Simple—you shove a foam bicycle seat down your bikini. Haute!

And if that's not quite your style, then may we suggest you, as they say in the South, get some church in you:

Pulse: stiflingly high, especially under all this wool.

What We’ve Learned: that the Royal Guard will poke you in the ass with a pitchfork if they catch you having sex on the Queen’s greens. Also, that there are apparently people in the world who still haven’t seen Carla Bruni naked.


We now interrupt the Pulse for this week’s Dep’t of People Who Act Like Such Jizzbags That We Don’t Have To Bother Making Fun Of Them Ourselves: this week’s winner is one Congressman Alcee Hastings, who took to the floor to offer a rousing speech in opposition to the Hate Crimes Prevention Act. We’ll let the honorable Congressman speak for himself:

The Week in Booze n' Boobs

Should pregnant women drink alcohol? Survey says...maybe.

From the Pointless and Useless Factoids Dep’t: according to an unnamed, unsourced new study, women only wash their bras approximately six times per year.

And, while we’re on the subject of breasts, bromance has a new term of endearment—and that term is ‘bitch tits’, courtesy of one Alex Rodriguez, star baseball slugger and current Madonna-getter-onner. A-Rod’s been the target of a new rash of innuendo this week, claiming that his steroid use dates all the way back to his high school playing days, all the way up through his tenure with the NY Yankees. His fellow Yanks nicknamed him ‘bitch tits’, thanks to a nifty little side effect of steroid abuse: swollen pectorals. More proof (from the NY media, of course) that A-Rod is the Worst Human Evar: he only tipped 15% at Hooters.


The Week in High Literature

If there’s a more timely and all-important question to be asked than this, then we’re just not doing our jobs as naked scrabbling sex journos.

Courtesy of the Glamour interns, four things guys say behind your back: we asked four guys about this, and they insisted that those are not the four things they discuss. The four things are, in order of importance:
- boobies
- boobies, part deux
- other stuff
- uhh...what?

Ladies, if you’re looking for a role model, you can forget all your gender-studies, your Jane Austens—Sean Hannity’s got the perfect female role model all lined up for you. And her name is Kim Kardashian.

If you’re like us, you’re running out of interesting places to kiss your significant other. Kissing is great and all, but it just gets kind of boring when you always do it in the same place, you know? Fortunately, the love gurus over at MSNBC have put their thinking caps on, and, after consulting Chris Matthews’ tingly leg, they’ve come up with the world’s best list of places to go a-smoochin’. Because, really—what better place to make out than on a roller coaster—does anything go together more fluidly than primal fear, romance, and the involuntary urge to yark? Oh, and what in the blue hell is a 'passion pit' anyway?

Pulse: amped up on HGH.

What We’ve Learned: that making out on a pile of other people’s coats is in fact not rude or unhygienic; it’s just hawt. As long as the bra is clean.


Finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the passing of the one and only Bea Arthur. We all love us some Bea, so we thought we’d close out this week’s Pulse in the most dignified matter possible: Bea Arthur reading passages from Pamela Anderson’s erotic novel.

Pulse: Sad. But we’ll always have The Star Wars Holiday Special.

What We’ve Learned: In Maude we trust indeed.