Sex on Trial, ACT I: The First Degree
Editor’s Note: As long as there have been humans, there has been sex. And for as long as there has been people having sex, there have been people whose sole mission was to ensure that sex was never spoken, broadcast, published, whispered, or thought out loud. Over the next several weeks, Sexis is pleased to present G.L. Morrison’s three-part teleplay dealing with these themes. We hope you enjoy them as much as we have.
Act II can be read here. Act III can be read here.
TV Commercial
SFX: Birds chirping and other clean, refreshing artificially created sounds of Nature.
Smiling Actress: (With motherly concern) Is your down there not so fresh? Douche it, spray it! Our bleach scented feminine hygiene products will practically scrub this troublesome area off. (Fade out.)
Announcer: *BLEEP!* This has been a test of your emergency cuss word system. If this had been an actual swear word, you would have been instructed to be offended while this station and its affiliates would have been bleeped, pixilated, fined an outrageous amount of money and beaten (and not in the good way). We now return you to your regularly scheduled obscenity already in progress.
Cue Opening Title: Law & Odor: FCC
SFX: Bah dum
Narrator: There are a number of words that are considered particularly heinous. The men and women who prosecute these words are members of a special task force: the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). These are their stories.
Judge Judy: (Yawning from the bench.) Call your next witness.
F. Lee Bailey: (Rises from the defense table and clears his throat dramatically.) The Defense would like to call The First Amendment to the stand.
The First Amendment saunters up the aisle to the front of the courtroom. She is wearing a white dress sheer enough to show what she isn’t wearing underneath. Her attitude says she has nothing to hide. She is sworn in without any actual swearing. She sits, turning to face the jury, legs uncrossed Sharon Stone style.
F. Lee Bailey: (His gaze never wavering from beneath The First’s hemline) Please state your name for the record.
The First: (With a voice like melting silk) I’m The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.
F. Lee Bailey: (Chuckles) That’s a mouthful.
The First: (à la Groucho) That’s what she said!
The jury titters appreciatively.
Judge Judy: (Scowling) May I remind you that in this courtroom, it is your solemn duty to laugh at no punch lines but my own?
The jury settles.
F. Lee Bailey: (Directing his question to The First) What is it that you do exactly?
The First: (Seductively) That depends on who you ask. (Tone becomes serious) But let me give you my complete job description: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
F. Lee Bailey: (Frowns in a practiced, litigious way, then turns that frown toward the jury) Religion? You don’t strike me as particularly…religious.
The First tosses her hair, contemptuously. Judge Judy scowls as a reminder to all that she is the only one allowed to hold lawyers in contempt. (However, many members of the jury, audience, and even other attorneys continue to do so anyway.)
The First: (Indignant) I am the High Priestess of personal freedoms. Without works, faith is dead. Without me, faith and non-faith are silenced equally. I protect prophets and whores.
At the Prosecution table sit Senator Joseph McCarthy, William Jennings Bryan, Lord Voldemort, Adolf Hitler and J. Edgar Hoover. Rude snickering erupts. The Lead Demon from Wolfrum & Hart cackles.
Lord Voldemort: (In mock innocence) Did she say she protects profits for whores?
F. Lee Bailey: Your honor! I object!
Judge Judy: (Sighs) Counselor, don’t whine. Prosecution, wait your turn.
F. Lee Bailey: (Continues, nonplussed, to question the witness) Do you know the defendants? (Gestures to the defense table behind him where Clarence Darrow, Voltaire, Johnny Cochrane, Ben Matlock and Perry Mason are playing Hangman with two of the seven defendants.)
The First: Yes, I know them very well.
F. Lee Bailey: How would you characterize the Infamous Seven Words currently on trial?
The First: I would say they are versatile and outspoken, but usually fair. They’re blue-collar words. Hard-working. They have two or three definitions just to make ends meet. They may not be pretty, but they tell it like it is.
F. Lee Bailey: Would you call them “obscene”?
The First: Only when they wanna be.
F. Lee Bailey: Thank you. That’s all the questions I have for this witness.
Judge Judy: (To the prosecutors) Prosecution, are you ready for cross?
Hitler: (Rises for the Prosecution) Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer… er, I mean, yes, your honor.
Judge Judy: (Tersely) Proceed.
Hitler: (Addressing The First) So, you know zem?
The First: Intimately.
Hitler: (His moustache a tremble) All of zem?
The First: Yes.
Hitler: That must have been zum party.
Extra #27: Slut!
Act II can be read here. Act III can be read here.
TV Commercial
SFX: Birds chirping and other clean, refreshing artificially created sounds of Nature.
Smiling Actress: (With motherly concern) Is your down there not so fresh? Douche it, spray it! Our bleach scented feminine hygiene products will practically scrub this troublesome area off. (Fade out.)
Announcer: *BLEEP!* This has been a test of your emergency cuss word system. If this had been an actual swear word, you would have been instructed to be offended while this station and its affiliates would have been bleeped, pixilated, fined an outrageous amount of money and beaten (and not in the good way). We now return you to your regularly scheduled obscenity already in progress.
Cue Opening Title: Law & Odor: FCC
SFX: Bah dum
Narrator: There are a number of words that are considered particularly heinous. The men and women who prosecute these words are members of a special task force: the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). These are their stories.
Judge Judy: (Yawning from the bench.) Call your next witness.
F. Lee Bailey: (Rises from the defense table and clears his throat dramatically.) The Defense would like to call The First Amendment to the stand.
The First Amendment saunters up the aisle to the front of the courtroom. She is wearing a white dress sheer enough to show what she isn’t wearing underneath. Her attitude says she has nothing to hide. She is sworn in without any actual swearing. She sits, turning to face the jury, legs uncrossed Sharon Stone style.
F. Lee Bailey: (His gaze never wavering from beneath The First’s hemline) Please state your name for the record.
The First: (With a voice like melting silk) I’m The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.
F. Lee Bailey: (Chuckles) That’s a mouthful.
The First: (à la Groucho) That’s what she said!
The jury titters appreciatively.
Judge Judy: (Scowling) May I remind you that in this courtroom, it is your solemn duty to laugh at no punch lines but my own?
The jury settles.
F. Lee Bailey: (Directing his question to The First) What is it that you do exactly?
The First: (Seductively) That depends on who you ask. (Tone becomes serious) But let me give you my complete job description: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
F. Lee Bailey: (Frowns in a practiced, litigious way, then turns that frown toward the jury) Religion? You don’t strike me as particularly…religious.
The First tosses her hair, contemptuously. Judge Judy scowls as a reminder to all that she is the only one allowed to hold lawyers in contempt. (However, many members of the jury, audience, and even other attorneys continue to do so anyway.)
The First: (Indignant) I am the High Priestess of personal freedoms. Without works, faith is dead. Without me, faith and non-faith are silenced equally. I protect prophets and whores.
At the Prosecution table sit Senator Joseph McCarthy, William Jennings Bryan, Lord Voldemort, Adolf Hitler and J. Edgar Hoover. Rude snickering erupts. The Lead Demon from Wolfrum & Hart cackles.
Lord Voldemort: (In mock innocence) Did she say she protects profits for whores?
F. Lee Bailey: Your honor! I object!
Judge Judy: (Sighs) Counselor, don’t whine. Prosecution, wait your turn.
F. Lee Bailey: (Continues, nonplussed, to question the witness) Do you know the defendants? (Gestures to the defense table behind him where Clarence Darrow, Voltaire, Johnny Cochrane, Ben Matlock and Perry Mason are playing Hangman with two of the seven defendants.)
The First: Yes, I know them very well.
F. Lee Bailey: How would you characterize the Infamous Seven Words currently on trial?
The First: I would say they are versatile and outspoken, but usually fair. They’re blue-collar words. Hard-working. They have two or three definitions just to make ends meet. They may not be pretty, but they tell it like it is.
F. Lee Bailey: Would you call them “obscene”?
The First: Only when they wanna be.
F. Lee Bailey: Thank you. That’s all the questions I have for this witness.
Judge Judy: (To the prosecutors) Prosecution, are you ready for cross?
Hitler: (Rises for the Prosecution) Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer… er, I mean, yes, your honor.
Judge Judy: (Tersely) Proceed.
Hitler: (Addressing The First) So, you know zem?
The First: Intimately.
Hitler: (His moustache a tremble) All of zem?
The First: Yes.
Hitler: That must have been zum party.
Extra #27: Slut!
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