What It Is, And What It Isn’t
In online profiles, personal ads, and the news, the term “genderqueer” is gaining traction. Just when you think you have an idea of what it means, somebody uses it meaning something else. What exactly is genderqueer? Even genderqueers would like to know the answer to that one. Still, there are some things genderqueer is definitely not, and there are some basic rules of etiquette to make your life easier, whether you’re a genderqueer yourself or only just realized “GQ” isn’t only a men’s magazine.
First things first: terminology! Nontraditional gender presentations come in quite a few flavors, and “genderqueer” is a more open playing field than most. Let’s look at some other non-normative gender terms to help clear things up:
• Transsexual. These are folks who wish to live as the opposite sex to that of their birth genitals. When you think of people who get sex changes, you’re usually thinking of transsexuals. This term seems to be fading with time, and is instead commonly referred to as...
• Transgender. This term formerly covered a lot of territory and included almost any individual who did not feel completely adequately defined by the gender assigned to them at birth by genital determination. It’s come to usually mean a person who wishes to live as the opposite sex. As a larger term than transsexual, transgender covers all those who live as the opposite sex, including those who have surgery and hormones, or just surgery, or just hormones—or no physical intervention at all and simply live as one gender while in the body of the other.
• Transvestite. These people enjoy dressing as the opposite sex, but continue to identify with their birth-assigned gender.
• Female-identified people who use male pronouns. Some women prefer to use male pronouns, or to be referred to as “Sir” in BDSM contexts, while continuing to identify completely as women. This sometimes harks back to a tradition in certain dyke circles of “reclaiming” male pronouns that have nothing to do with the individual’s gender identity.
• Sexuality. Genderqueer, or indeed any gender identity, is not based on sexuality. Straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer, pansexual, and asexual people exist in every gender identity.
So what does it mean to be genderqueer? It’s a very individual thing, but for the most part, people who will call that their identity mean that they don't find any of the above labels compelling, nor do they identify strongly or solely with their birth gender or sex. “Genderqueer” is often the equivalent of the “Potpourri” category on Jeopardy! It’s where things that don’t fit in any other category hang out. People who consider themselves third-gendered, male and female, ungendered, pangendered (that’s me), or don’t find gender a compelling portion of their self-identity profile can all be found under the genderqueer umbrella.
Now that you know just how many ways someone can mean, “I’m genderqueer,” you might feel a little like a deer in headlights. How will you navigate our pronoun-rich, gender-referential social world without causing offense?
First things first: terminology! Nontraditional gender presentations come in quite a few flavors, and “genderqueer” is a more open playing field than most. Let’s look at some other non-normative gender terms to help clear things up:
• Transsexual. These are folks who wish to live as the opposite sex to that of their birth genitals. When you think of people who get sex changes, you’re usually thinking of transsexuals. This term seems to be fading with time, and is instead commonly referred to as...
• Transgender. This term formerly covered a lot of territory and included almost any individual who did not feel completely adequately defined by the gender assigned to them at birth by genital determination. It’s come to usually mean a person who wishes to live as the opposite sex. As a larger term than transsexual, transgender covers all those who live as the opposite sex, including those who have surgery and hormones, or just surgery, or just hormones—or no physical intervention at all and simply live as one gender while in the body of the other.
• Transvestite. These people enjoy dressing as the opposite sex, but continue to identify with their birth-assigned gender.
• Female-identified people who use male pronouns. Some women prefer to use male pronouns, or to be referred to as “Sir” in BDSM contexts, while continuing to identify completely as women. This sometimes harks back to a tradition in certain dyke circles of “reclaiming” male pronouns that have nothing to do with the individual’s gender identity.
• Sexuality. Genderqueer, or indeed any gender identity, is not based on sexuality. Straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer, pansexual, and asexual people exist in every gender identity.
So what does it mean to be genderqueer? It’s a very individual thing, but for the most part, people who will call that their identity mean that they don't find any of the above labels compelling, nor do they identify strongly or solely with their birth gender or sex. “Genderqueer” is often the equivalent of the “Potpourri” category on Jeopardy! It’s where things that don’t fit in any other category hang out. People who consider themselves third-gendered, male and female, ungendered, pangendered (that’s me), or don’t find gender a compelling portion of their self-identity profile can all be found under the genderqueer umbrella.
Now that you know just how many ways someone can mean, “I’m genderqueer,” you might feel a little like a deer in headlights. How will you navigate our pronoun-rich, gender-referential social world without causing offense?
A word of CAUTION about the tactic of observing what pronouns someone's friends use:
Seeing what pronouns one other person uses with reference to person X, and then using those pronouns to refer to X can often times come back to bite you in the ass. Why? Because whomever you picked up that information from could have been using the wrong pronouns -- maybe because they don't recognize that X is genderqueer (or trans), or maybe because they don't respect/accept X's choice of pronouns, or maybe because they just messed up and used the wrong pronoun. If you then go and refer to X by the wrong pronoun, it is very possible that they will feel like you improperly assumed their pronoun preference... which can be very offensive to some people. If you can't ask the person directly, at least observe how multiple different people refer to the person, and perhaps ask the question directly of a friend.
To be honest, if I'm confused I'll just ask! Never with perfect strangers it has to be said. Once I sent a text message to someone to clear it up before I met them out. I find also if I look puzzled or pause before using a gender people will often fill it in for me, lol. To be honest I get confused, even with people I know. I have never had anyone berate me for forgetting or not knowing. I guess its a bit different as I really don't have an issue, I'm just a bit hazy sometimes.
As an add on, folks should be aware that being trans and genderqueer are not exclusive. Plenty of folks transition and also identify as genderqueer.
And I also have to complicate the suggestion that it's okay to make an event "female-bodied only." First off, what does that even mean? Many folks assume that it is synonymous with female assigned, some folks think it means "has a vagina," others play it by self-identification. Personally, I don't think it makes sense to call a trans man female-bodied or a trans woman male-bodied, plus it's kind of offensive, but plenty of people do so anyway.
Aside from the "x-bodied" term, which I'd rather just set aside for others that are more precise, if the intention is to categorize people by assigned sex, it strikes me as pretty trans negating. I've seen folks who used to just deny trans identities want women only spaces where they include trans masculine folks and exclude trans women. It used to be obvious they were being messed up, but now they do the same thing but just say it's a "female-bodied" space and somehow that makes it okay. I don't buy it.