So, SexIs Magazine is on a “Sexy YOU” thing this month. Sexy is a broad topic, and I’m not going to try to tackle it in one article, much less try to tell women how to be sexy (so many ways, so many tastes, so...etc.)...or men for that matter. Hell, my wife seems to find it sexy when I clean the bathroom or watch a DVD with our daughter. That confounds me entirely. I’d think leather chaps and a can of whipped cream would be much sexier.

Instead, let me address just the “beauty” part of THE SEXY. Yeah, what the hell business do I have talking to women about how to be beautiful, either? I don’t really, but I’d like to tell you how basic I think it is. Sometimes, I think women believe it has to be more complex than it is, thanks to all the media imagery out there. I don’t think all that many men want you to work that hard, though.

Really.

No, stop laughing at me, already. Or crying in anguished disbelief. Or yelling at me. And put away those statistics, too, to refute me—if there are any (remember, there are three kinds of untruth: lies, damned lies and statistics).

Think of it this way: Most women don’t look like the women in media (ads, TV, movies, porn, etc.). Yet, most of them get sex pretty often in life. Ergo, we men aren’t obsessively picky for the most part. I’m not going to go so far as to say we heterosexual or bisexual or heteroflexible men (hereafter just “men” or “guys” because it’s shorter) will have sex with anything that’s got a pulse and looks feminine, but we’re not looking for supermodels. (Sort of like how we watch porn but rarely ask you to do all that professional-grade activity in the bedroom.)

Certainly, we won’t turn supermodels, their lookalikes or their wanna-be admirers/copycats down if they throw themselves at us, but really, we’re not seeking perfection.

My wife lately has been really down on her appearance, and it hurts me, because she’s sexy as hell. And I don’t think that’s just because I love her; I’m sure plenty of other guys would agree. However, perhaps not a lot of the guys around here.

She’s a black woman with short hair in a place where the population is about 98% white, in a culture where most women try to hang on to long (or at least shoulder-length) hair well past a time when it still works for them (because of changing body type, age or whatever). And, after finally shedding a lot of her post-pregnancy weight from our, now, 6-year-old, she's gained some of it back (partly because of abdominal surgery that laid her up for a bit a year ago, or so). So, she doesn't get as much attention from guys now that she’s approaching 40 (even though she still looks like she’s in her late 20s or early 30s) and because she’s black with short hair, and so, in her mind, it blows up into something bigger than what it is.

She assumes she’s an invisible woman to men, and unattractive, and overweight, and unwanted. None of which is true, but that doesn’t stop her from feeling that way.

In similar fashion, too many women get too caught up seeing the images of what men like to look at, and feel crappy about themselves because they don’t look that way.

Women convince themselves they aren’t already beautiful and thereby convince themselves they are a major project that needs to be tackled with the gusto of a total home gut-rehab.

Ladies, if you ate as little as those women in media did (making meals uncomfortable for both of us), if you worked out as much as they did (and we didn’t see you very often) and put on as much makeup as they did (which would bankrupt us—they have whole teams to do their hair and faces, you know)...well, that isn’t going to make us feel hotter toward you. Assuming you had any energy left for sex.

Sure, getting all dolled up and putting on something sexy from time to time will rock our worlds. But it’s all stuff that’s going to get rubbed off during sex or taken off so that we can have sex with you.

Everyone’s needs and wants will differ, but let me tell you about mine as a point of reference. I have a bit of a lipstick/lip gloss fetish (goes well with my smoking fetish). I think glossy, well-painted lips are a gorgeous thing to behold. But generally, if I’m making out with my wife, she doesn’t have any on, nor does she when she’s giving me a blowjob. So far, this hasn’t inhibited my desire for her lips. And that’s with a low-level fetish.

Frankly, my wife doesn’t bother with much makeup. She puts some powder on her face, some scented oil on her neck, and some color on her lips.

That’s it. And she looks wonderful.

Frankly, I think the average woman can leave most of her products on the shelf and just use a touch of makeup. As far as clothes, putting on something nice is enough. I mean, rarely are baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants going to look sexy (though they probably won’t get in the way of sex if horniness is in the air; after all, we can just pull them off to revel in your nakedness) but some jeans and a nice T-shirt will suffice (or something like them); no need for high-end clothes all the time, jewelry galore or anything like that.

Bottom line is that being beautiful and desirable comes from within. Yeah, that may sound like some feel-good nonsense, but it’s true. Attitude, personality and an attitude of wanting to give and receive pleasure are sexy—and beautiful.

And you know, guys, you don’t need to do a ton of stuff either. Decent clothes, mostly. Good oral hygiene and a tasteful (and conservatively applied) cologne. Respect and confidence. Trim the nails and make sure the lips aren't some prickly and parched landscape. Sometimes, our women want us to do more, just like sometimes we want more. But not often. Sometimes, mine thinks its fun to kiss me and thinks I’m attractive when I’m the one wearing the lipstick and lip gloss. It must look silly as hell in many respects given I have facial hair, but she sure likes it.

And there, too, is another key. Beautiful often means being flexible. Accepting your partner for the things that are most beautiful about her (and not focusing on flaws) even as she does the same for you. Being willing to try new things yourself and to be open-minded when she tries something new herself, whether a hairdo or new kind of outfit.

Sure, when missteps are made, we should let our lovers know they might not want to try that again, but chances are that if you’re not trying so hard, you’ll be beautiful by being yourself most of the time.

If your normal self is a snarling, filthy, angry being, I admit you won’t be beautiful to many folks. But if you want beauty, find those few small things that work and project the right attitude, and then you’ll feel pretty, even if there’s no one around to tell you.

And it probably won’t take long to attract someone who will.