The friend zone sucks.
I'm not talking about being stuck in it. I'm talking about the way men use the phrase to marginalize a woman's desires and attempt to subvert female agency.
Don't get me wrong. People of every gender and orientation have to cope with being friends rather than romantic partners with the object of their desire all the time, and it's perfectly reasonable to be a little miffed when this happens. What I want to talk about is the way that people (mostly straight males) use the phrase "friend zone" to subtly abuse female agency and relegate women to strictly romantic/sexual roles.
When a guy says he's stuck in the friend zone he's turning friendship into a consolation prize; a second-best option. This shows that he may not actually value friendship with women, or that he sees the deep, personal connection that comes with both friendship and a relationship simply as a means to the end of physical relations. If he describes being friends with a person as being “stuck”, then it sure sounds like he doesn’t actually want to be friends with that person. Men who use the term “friend zone” in this way are therefore revealing that women, to them, are prizes to be won rather than equals with whom close, platonically intimate relationships are possible.
And then there's the specific manifestation of the friend zone that says, “I’m stuck in the friend zone while the guy she’s with is crap.” He’s not just insulting the woman’s boyfriend but her judgment, too. Perhaps without even realizing it, he is very subtly saying, “I know what’s best for you, and you can’t make good relationship decisions by yourself. I say that I’m the best choice for you.” At no point does he consider her agency, her authority over her existence. He discounts her desire as secondary to his own.
Ever heard this one?
“Hey, ladies, there are still good guys out there. You’ve just pushed them all into the friend zone!”
At the same time as discounting the woman’s judgment, this phrase also betrays some level of bitterness about being a “good guy,” as if the just reward for putting in the time as a “good guy” is a sexual relationship. This sentiment makes being a polite and decent person seem like a strategy for getting women in bed rather than a good way to carry oneself through life. When a guy says, “Man, I was even a nice guy and she still blew me off,” it sounds a lot like he isn’t actually a nice guy, but was employing a façade to get a woman to like him.
Further, say someone goes into an interview for a code-writing job. The interviewer asks, “Which programming languages do you know?” and the applicant says, “None, but I’m a good guy!” The rest of the interview goes the same way:
“What course work did you do towards computer science?”
“I was a Biology/English double major, but I assure you I’m the nicest guy you’ll ever meet!”
“I’m sure you are. What experience do you have with code-writing or programming?”
“Not much of any, but I’m a nice guy!”
Do you think this guy is getting the job, despite being, at his insistence, the nicest guy in the world? Probably not.
The same goes for relationships.
Most women are not looking for the same things as this interviewer (and maybe knowledge of programming languages gets some as hot as a horny volcano), but a man needs to be more than nice. He has to share mutual interests, have a uniquely charming personality, be funny to his beloved’s sense of humor, or even dislike the same things.
Guys, before blaming a woman for not appreciating your insistence to open doors for her, ask yourself what you actually have to offer to a relationship. Being nice isn’t actually a mutual interest and indicates no actual depth of character. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be nice. Being nice is fantastic! But you also have to be interesting in a way that’s attractive to the woman you want.
And that last bit about being interesting in a way that’s attractive to a particular person is vital. If you are defined by your simultaneous love for the Baltimore Ravens and Star Wars, then don’t get pissy because the girl you like, who has no interest in either of these things, doesn’t want to date you. Sure, be miffed that she doesn’t like your first two loves, but do not discount her taste as inferior. That’s just you rationalizing around the fact that you might bear some of the responsibility for her not finding you attractive.
Don’t despair, though! There’s probably someone out there who will love your Ray Lewis/Han Solo slash fiction as much as you do.
Therefore, guys, the very first thing you should consider when you find a woman attractive is whether you would actually want to be friends with her. It’s fine if you find that you don’t. We can’t all be friends. Just don’t blame her for pushing you into a zone in which you had no desire to find yourself in the first place. Don’t find yourself in a position where you feel the need to use friendship (one of the richest, most rewarding phenomena of the human experience) in your misogynistic rhetoric.
I'm not talking about being stuck in it. I'm talking about the way men use the phrase to marginalize a woman's desires and attempt to subvert female agency.
Don't get me wrong. People of every gender and orientation have to cope with being friends rather than romantic partners with the object of their desire all the time, and it's perfectly reasonable to be a little miffed when this happens. What I want to talk about is the way that people (mostly straight males) use the phrase "friend zone" to subtly abuse female agency and relegate women to strictly romantic/sexual roles.
When a guy says he's stuck in the friend zone he's turning friendship into a consolation prize; a second-best option. This shows that he may not actually value friendship with women, or that he sees the deep, personal connection that comes with both friendship and a relationship simply as a means to the end of physical relations. If he describes being friends with a person as being “stuck”, then it sure sounds like he doesn’t actually want to be friends with that person. Men who use the term “friend zone” in this way are therefore revealing that women, to them, are prizes to be won rather than equals with whom close, platonically intimate relationships are possible.
And then there's the specific manifestation of the friend zone that says, “I’m stuck in the friend zone while the guy she’s with is crap.” He’s not just insulting the woman’s boyfriend but her judgment, too. Perhaps without even realizing it, he is very subtly saying, “I know what’s best for you, and you can’t make good relationship decisions by yourself. I say that I’m the best choice for you.” At no point does he consider her agency, her authority over her existence. He discounts her desire as secondary to his own.
Ever heard this one?
“Hey, ladies, there are still good guys out there. You’ve just pushed them all into the friend zone!”
At the same time as discounting the woman’s judgment, this phrase also betrays some level of bitterness about being a “good guy,” as if the just reward for putting in the time as a “good guy” is a sexual relationship. This sentiment makes being a polite and decent person seem like a strategy for getting women in bed rather than a good way to carry oneself through life. When a guy says, “Man, I was even a nice guy and she still blew me off,” it sounds a lot like he isn’t actually a nice guy, but was employing a façade to get a woman to like him.
Further, say someone goes into an interview for a code-writing job. The interviewer asks, “Which programming languages do you know?” and the applicant says, “None, but I’m a good guy!” The rest of the interview goes the same way:
“What course work did you do towards computer science?”
“I was a Biology/English double major, but I assure you I’m the nicest guy you’ll ever meet!”
“I’m sure you are. What experience do you have with code-writing or programming?”
“Not much of any, but I’m a nice guy!”
Do you think this guy is getting the job, despite being, at his insistence, the nicest guy in the world? Probably not.
The same goes for relationships.
Most women are not looking for the same things as this interviewer (and maybe knowledge of programming languages gets some as hot as a horny volcano), but a man needs to be more than nice. He has to share mutual interests, have a uniquely charming personality, be funny to his beloved’s sense of humor, or even dislike the same things.
Guys, before blaming a woman for not appreciating your insistence to open doors for her, ask yourself what you actually have to offer to a relationship. Being nice isn’t actually a mutual interest and indicates no actual depth of character. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be nice. Being nice is fantastic! But you also have to be interesting in a way that’s attractive to the woman you want.
And that last bit about being interesting in a way that’s attractive to a particular person is vital. If you are defined by your simultaneous love for the Baltimore Ravens and Star Wars, then don’t get pissy because the girl you like, who has no interest in either of these things, doesn’t want to date you. Sure, be miffed that she doesn’t like your first two loves, but do not discount her taste as inferior. That’s just you rationalizing around the fact that you might bear some of the responsibility for her not finding you attractive.
Don’t despair, though! There’s probably someone out there who will love your Ray Lewis/Han Solo slash fiction as much as you do.
Therefore, guys, the very first thing you should consider when you find a woman attractive is whether you would actually want to be friends with her. It’s fine if you find that you don’t. We can’t all be friends. Just don’t blame her for pushing you into a zone in which you had no desire to find yourself in the first place. Don’t find yourself in a position where you feel the need to use friendship (one of the richest, most rewarding phenomena of the human experience) in your misogynistic rhetoric.
great article!
It is a well-written, logical, and reasonable article. That being said, this article offers no advice on how to get out of the Friendzone. It does not really address the central issue regarding the stereotype of why: Nice guys finish last, and bad boys wind up with the girls. The premise of this article is that people are always with exactly who they should be.
Nice guys don't know how to flirt, and bad boys do. This is a skill that can be studied, practiced, and acquired. You can absolutely get unstuck from the Friendzone.
There is also a tension in the nice guy... never give out your heart to someone who won't return that love. Uncomfortableness leads to growth, though. And vulnerability is the key to connection. You can certainly train a nice guy how to be more flirty, and how to flirt the right way. You can't turn a bad boy into a nice guy.
Woah, slow down darling! You can't see the forest from the trees!
The dreaded "friend zone" isn't exclusive to only men. Women can get "friend zoned" too. This means it isn't a gender issue based on bad guys, nice guys, and good guys, which makes your argument completely invalid due to losing its crutch.
This is an issue of intelligence. There are smart people, and then there are stupid people. The stupid people tend to seek instant gratification and get frustrated when denied. After all, thinking is extremely difficult and is hard work. Due to their overinflated ego radiating a sense of self entitlement, they proceed to make excuses and blame the individual that denied them gratification. This is where "nice guys" blame women and perceive them as sluts for pursuing "bad boys", and where "logical women" blame men and perceive them as pigs for being "sex addicts".
Both are crackheads looking for their next high. Ninety percent of sex is mental, which you could be the most fugly person in the world and get laid by some of the most smoking hot people in the world. Attraction works the exact same way as to how fake psychics do cold readings and convince their customers they truly are psychic. The imagination is an incredibly powerful thing.
A man or woman can get out of the friend-zone, but it is more difficult than staying out of the friend-zone from the very beginning. How do you stay out of the friend-zone from the very beginning? Well, you know the saying "a first impression is everything"? It is one hundred percent true!
The first time you meet a man or women you might be interested in (the very first time!) you have sixty seconds to make a first impression. Briefly socialize, introduce yourself, get her name, shake her hand, give her your number for coffee or something sometime. This is guaranteed to keep you out of the friend-zone. One key part is physical contact via the handshake. This is biological psychology, which a feel-good chemical is released due to skin contact. What does that mean? The feel-good chemical is addictive and her brain is subconsciously associating you with that chemical. The only way she can continue receiving it is through continued intimacy.
Before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, I do know what I'm talking about. I write and mail (not e-mail!) love poems etc.. I put spray cologne on it with a specific signature and style. This way I stand out, am romantic, and she has something of sentimental value that she has access to whenever I'm not around in order to revitalize her imagination or connection she feels towards me.
This is how true seduction works. Real seducers do not get into your bed via infatuation. They get into your heart and mind by you literally falling in love with them and was utilized as an easy way for the lower class to transition into the upper class i.e. acquisition of wealth. See any modern day dirt poor seducers bag a rich person? No. The reason is because the modern ones are charlatans, fakes who rely solely on good looks, never having to actually use their brains. Society has been too dumbed down.
Most of the greatest seducers ever such as Cleopatra, Casanova, etc. were average looking individuals. The real seducer is one's own imagination; that ninety percent.