"True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself."
There is a large part of me I never knew existed. In my life, especially in my sexual experiences, I have always felt that something was missing. Just like everyone else I had both good and bad experiences. I had wonderful lovers and I also had abusive ones. A few years ago I was given the opportunity to discover just what it was that I had yet to put my finger on.
Becoming parents has really put a strain on my relationship with my husband. We have both been affected physically and emotionally. Our once thriving and steady sex life had at one point basically come to a standstill. One night we were lucky enough to have some time to ourselves and after a trip to the local novelty shop we returned home with our purchases. One of these was a rubber whip that was bought purely out of curiosity. Soon my husband had surprised me by throwing me over the back of the couch and whipping me. I was somewhat confused by what I felt during and after this event. I never thought I could enjoy being whipped and bondage was something I had shied away from in the past. Now it seemed that once these feelings had been awoken in me everything was slowly coming together.
While doing some reading on the internet I found the answer to my issues. I found that I am a submissive. The people pleasing instinct I have always seemed to feel had started to make sense and so was the feeling that despite doing everything I could for my partners I still felt empty. I ordered books, I read fiction, and did as much research as I possibly could.
So after all of this work one would think that my problems would magically disappear, right? I thought so but I was so very wrong! My husband at that point in our lives wasn’t the least bit interested in BDSM at all. What about that night of whipping me? Well, it turns out he was just having some fun and thought nothing of it. Over the last three years I have tried several methods to tempt my husband into becoming more involved in our sex life. Every now and then he would participate in some form of BDSM with me just to appease me for the time being. I would be satisfied for a few weeks but after a while I would fall back into my depression. My need to submit and to serve someone was not being met.
I allowed the both of us to continue on in this manner for what seemed like forever. One night after my coming to him and asking him why he seemed so disinterested he finally told me that he really wasn’t that interested in the type of play I was seeking. I was devastated because for me it isn’t just play. It is a way of life and in some way has been with me my entire life. My submission has evolved over time depending on who I am with. I just never realized it before and when I finally did I wasn’t able to fulfill it.
Time continued to pass me by and all the while our relationship was paying the price. I was pulling more and more into myself. Then one night it was like a light bulb had finally gone off in his head. I was having another of my breakdowns since I was becoming more and more depressed. He asked what he could do to help me be happy again and when I replied that I had been begging, pleading, and showing him for years what he could do this time…well, he finally took it to heart!
From that point I am truly uncertain what it was that changed. I do know that since then he has taken a more active role in our sex life and has found that he is really enjoying his more dominant side. One thing I have always worried about was forcing him into the role but so far he has been really curious. Now he’s the one doing research and in that time he has discovered so many things he enjoys that we can do together. In the months that have followed that night my depression has lessened. I find that I am finally able to submit and to serve. Giving such a gift to someone I love makes the experience even better!
I hope that in telling my story I can help other submissives discover who they are or give hope to those who fear what their partners will think of them. One thing I have learned in all of this is never give up. Even though I felt like all was lost for me it finally turned around and blossomed into an even deeper connection between the two of us.