One question I hear often on forums regarding BDSM is "how do I get over my mental apprehension of hitting my partner?". Oftentimes, this comes from men who were brought up in an environment where they were told to never lay their hands on a girl. That harming her was always wrong and that this makes you less of a man. I have often heard people say "I love my partner so much and it is difficult, because I want to please them, but I am apprehensive about these activities". First and foremost, I think this is a legitimate concern to have. I think that we live in a society that does not promote violence and physical abuse and that is a great thing, but I also think it is okay to hit a partner when they consent to it, and we will focus on how you can get over your mental barrier.

So, the first thing that helps is to realize that sometimes people get immense gratification from painful activities. I, personally, love it when I am flogged, paddled, have nipple clamps put on me, or other painful activities. It is somewhat difficult to explain, but it is both a painful activity, but a pleasurable activity, at the same time. The closest comparison I can make is, after you go for that extra long run or work extra hard at the gym or pushed yourself for another 10 pounds on whatever you were lifting. Those are all experiences where there is both unpleasant muscle fatigue, sweating, and pain, but at the same time feels great. Especially when you are done and you get that flow of endorphins and that sense of accomplishment. Realize that that feeling is similar to what lots of bottoms feel during kinky sex. That mix of pain and pleasure is a wonderful sensation, that brings them great satisfaction. I like to be flogged, but I do not like stubbing my toe. There are different types of pain and trauma and the type your partner is asking for feels good to them. So, the first mental hurdle you can get over is realizing that your partner enjoys it.

The second thing is, that I believe people can actually consent to being hit, bit, flogged, spanked, etc. I feel that, as an adult, I can consent to certain activities. With all activities that do not cause permanent harm or damage to your body, I think people can make a decision for themselves if they want to be exposed to that type of activity and pain. I think perspective is important here. I want you all to participate in a thought experiment. Imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend is fairly athletic and involved in sports. Imagine they are in cheerleading, hockey, lacrosse, football or water polo. Now imagine that in the process of the sport, they are body checked or dropped or have a ball hit them. Oftentimes, the end results of this is a large bruise. It is soreness, stiffness and some pain. Now, do you prohibit your partner from playing this sport? Most often the answer is no. So, the question is, if you are okay with other people harming your significant other, then why should it be an issue for you to do the same? The paddling you give him/her is honestly no different than taking a lacrosse ball to the thigh. They are both going to cause bruising, some minor trauma, but heal completely new and fine within the next week. So, I think you can realize your partner is smart enough to decide about these activities. You likely let them do it elsewhere and need to realize it is no different here.

Finally, I have one last point. I believe the reason we hate physical violence so much is because it denies someone their autonomy and their ability to make their own decision. We deny them the right to be themselves through physical might and we simply assert that we are correct. You are, in essence, denying a person their right to be themselves. Now think about what you are doing when you tell your partner you are not willing to hit them, because it is wrong. What you are telling your partner is their beliefs and wants are wrong. What you are doing is, in essence, no different from the above physical violence scenario. In both, you are telling a person they are wrong and denying them the ability to do what they want. You are telling them your own personal opinions and ethics are more important than they are. So, realize when you tell your partner hitting them is wrong, you are telling them their very belief system is wrong. You are not respecting them enough to listen and fulfill their wishes. Realize that if you truly love them you, have enough faith and respect in them that you are willing to listen and do what they want. Which involves flogging, biting, slapping, spanking or rough-handling them potentially.

This article is one sided and it is meant to be. It is meant to challenge the way you think and look at it from a new perspective. It is meant to be a bit edgy. So, what I think also needs to be said is, it is also okay for you to decide you cannot hit your partner. You cannot partake is BDSM play, because it is harmful to you as a person. Harmful to your ethics and your belief system. And that is okay. If it is truly important to you not to hit your partner, then that is okay. But realize then, your partner also has a right to fulfill their sexual desires and wishes and your relationship might (not always) be compatible.

Hopefully, this articles has helped you potentially get over some mental barriers that exist in your relationship or has caused you to re-evaluate and re-strengthen your values.

As always, if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.