Porn-Jaded

Summer inevitably yields to fall, and fall brings with it a cool jetstream of sex educators in constant travel. Maybe it’s autumn’s falling leaves bringing back eager memories of going off to school; maybe it’s just that we hate the heat—either way, it means that I’m about to embark on a near-two month stretch of four-day-a-week road trips, most of them by myself. Such is the luck of the long-distance sex educator.

One of the hazards of the job is the creeping case of the hornies that just can’t be quelled, pilled, potioned, pricked, or new-aged away. And since I talk, teach, and watch A LOT of sex, well...the hornies end up being my traveling companion. And when there isn’t always a lover around to tickle my fancy or drive me over the edge…well, a girl’s gotta take things into her own hands, right? Which inescapably leads to porn. There’s a problem, though—I think I qualify as “porn-jaded”, which makes it harder to find the stuff that gets my panties in a twist.

In the twenty-something odd years since I found my first porn mags tucked away in the adult’s dressers, I think I’ve seen almost everything. I’ve seen big-haired blondes with perfectly manicured nails muff-dive other big-haired blondes in ways that no self-respecting lesbian would ever try. I’ve seen men with men, with women, with themselves, and with various edible objects. I’ve seen people dressed up as lobsters fuck on screen. I’ve even accidentally seen some bestiality-laden imagery—that visual is unfortunately burned on my retinas and will forever cripple me with an overriding sense of ugh.

But the real reality of porn for the porn-jaded is that at the end of the day (or the start of the next feature), there are very few variations.

Sure, the players change. The hairstyles change. So do the pubic hairstyles. The presence of condoms changes. The background music changes (thank God—a girl can only handle the “bow-chick-a-wow-wow” stuff for so long). But the constants? They stay in place. You’ve got your gonzo porn—no plot, no plan, just lots of fucking. You’ve got your faux-core porn—it looks like there’s a story, but really, it’s just Vaseline on the camera lens and a better class of between-screwage banter. And you’ve got your big-budget gems, where it looks like they actually paid more than a six-hour rental on a house in the Hollywood hills for the scenery. But in damn near all of the straight porn, there’s some cocksucking, maybe some pussy eating, then some fucking (one, maybe two holes), then cocksucking again until a load gets shot on some starlet’s face, thereby ruining her makeup and calling an end to the scene.

So what am I looking for when I want to see some good ol’ adult entertainment? I’m turned on by watching orgasms, for one. Mind you, I’m not talking about the money shot—because by the time that happens, I’m usually bored out of my perverted little skull by the usual routine. Sorry, folks—if you think that your average porn movie has female orgasms—real, honest to god one, you’re sadly mistaken. Porn isn’t real sex, for the most part—it’s sex that’s been posed, processed, and produced to look like sex, but it really isn’t (kind of like chicken nuggets). So one thing I look for when I’m looking for some new divertissement is whether reviewers mention that the orgasms might possibly be real – this time!

Another thing that gets me off is real women-on-women sex. Not the crap that’s called “lesbian” porn—porn made and marketed for male appetites—but real, messy, sexy, sensual sex between women. This is becoming easier to find—there are some great production companies out there that know the difference between women who will do other women if the money is right, and women who will do other women simply because they love it. And they’re filming it, and selling it, and more and more of us are watching and wanking to it.

The other thing I love is kink. Well, obviously, but let me tell you—the majority of the kink in mainstream videos isn’t kink; it’s fetish-light. Some hot chicks in latex and boots with a collar and a leash and a whip that’s so awful I wouldn’t use it to try to hit a fly—these things make up a lot of what’s out there, but not what’s real. I’m a big authenticity whore—let me see real tears, real joy, real arousal, and my body will respond. Thankfully there are some fantastic sources out there for great kink and semi-kink films—both online and on DVD.

And if you question why I’d want to watch porn, if I’ve seen so much of it? I’ll tell you—it’s still a turn on. I’ve occasionally used great porn to enhance foreplay with my partners; sometimes it’s even good for learning new techniques (you DO know there’s a growing number of sex + education titles out there, don’t you?). I love to think of it as inspiration, and in my case, it’s worked well—maybe too well. In fact, after watching Derrick Pierce and Penny Flame’s scene in Expert Guide to Rough Sex, one of my partners got up the encouragement to do a little face slapping and choking during sex; he said that watching my reactions to it told him more about how much I enjoyed it than my words could ever say.

It’s okay if you don’t like porn—hell, I don’t like a lot of it, myself. But at this point in my life, I do love to watch some amazing sex between gorgeously hot people—and not have to leave my hotel room to do so. And even better? I don’t have to clean up after them. Those money shots and juicy ejaculations can be awfully messy. Though, hotel rooms do come with cleaning staff, don’t they?