The Un-Interview

She and her husband run TheTorns.com , which is fascinating but not safe for work under any circumstances ever. Let’s begin.



Cherry, thanks so much for being here today. Shall we get started?

Of course! Lovely to be here. Anything to get in out of the rain. And by rain I mean “urine”.

In many of your photos, you’re seen licking the shoes of the men and women who are dominating you. I don’t want to alarm you, but those are totally the same shoes they probably wear into public toilets.

That’s not really a question.

How many times have you had malaria?

I don’t think you get malaria from licking shoes.

Well I’m not a doctor but one time I got a dog disease from the air so I’m pretty sure you can get malaria from licking shoes.

Am I supposed to be answering these statements that aren’t actually interview questions? Because it’s confusing.

It’s supposed to be confusing, Cherry. That’s how interviews work. So does your husband ever get really into the S&M thing and he orders you to do all sorts of hot submissive things and then you realize that really he’s just trying to get you to clean the bathroom while he watches fishing shows?
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Mother. Fucker.

I know. Men can be assholes. When you stab him later can he still press charges even though technically he started it?

He wouldn’t press charges. Unless he thought it was hot since technically prison is the ultimate form of bondage. Never mind. He’d totally press charges.

If you just stab him a little bit but he doesn’t die, is that considered foreplay or is it still a felony?

It depends on how much he enjoys it.

I was reading on your blog that in one S&M session someone dumped a nest of live caterpillars in your face. I didn’t even know caterpillars were born in nests.

*silence*

Well?

That’s not actually a question either.

Fine. Are caterpillars born in nests?

I have no idea. I’m a sex worker. Not a lepidopterist. These are terrible questions.

Stop judging me. I’m doing an interview here with one person for God’s sake.

Oh right. You’re doing great. You deserve a giant raise.

I know, right? So were they real caterpillars? Were they harmed during shooting? Do you feel bad that you put underage baby caterpillars in a sex scene, possibly against their will?

No. Caterpillars don’t have lateral lines so they can’t feel pain or shame.

Did you just make that up?

Kind of.

Would you have felt bad if it had been a nest of baby kittens?

Depends. What kind of baby kittens?

Calicos.

Then no.

What’s the strangest thing anyone asked you to do that you actually said “no” to?

This interview.

Some of the photos in your gallery are extremely hot. Some make me really nauseous. Most of them make me want to rescue you. Do you need help? If so, say “tangerine” and I will call the police.

I’m wearing a ball-gag so I can’t say anything. Plus, you emailed me this so you couldn’t hear me anyway. I think you don’t know how the computer works.

A lot of your stuff is very similar to the bondage work that the uber-iconic Betty Page did, except that when I look at her stuff I think “Oh my God, that’s a bit extreme” and when I look at yours I think “Oh my God, that’s- HOLY FUCK, ARE THOSE PEOPLE PEEING ON HER?!” Are you mad that Betty Page got to do the easy bondage stuff but now you have to get peed on just to get the same level of respect that Betty got just by getting tied up?

Um…maybe?

Okay, I just saw the photos of you getting drowned in a tank. They were very pretty. Never do that again.

It’s called “breath play”.



Nope. It’s called being drowned in a tank.

Tomato. Tomato.

Yeah, that doesn’t really work in an email setting. Quick! What’s the safety word?

I don’t have one.

Wrong. It’s “tangerine”. WE JUST WENT OVER THIS.

Oh, right.

Don’t mock me, Cherry.

Sorry.

It’s fine. I think we’re finished here. Should I thank you for agreeing to this interview or would you prefer it if I screamed at you since you like to be dominated?

You can just thank me.

FUCK YOU,CHERRY! I WILL DISSOLVE YOUR SOUL AND SPOON BUTTER INTO YOUR SHOES! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!!

“Spoon butter into my shoes”? The fuck? I said you could just thank me.

I know but I always wanted to say “rue the day” to someone.

And this is * exactly * why I didn’t want to be interviewed by you.

It was a wise decision, Cherry.


Join me next week when I may be interviewing the beautiful and notorious alt-porn starlet, April Flores (aka Fatty Delicious) or possibly I’ll just be talking to myself again. Either way, it’s probably going to be disturbing.