"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
A Little Background.
For the entire length of my friend's courtship, and many years into her marriage, she was reluctant to talk about sex let alone seek it out. Her husband found, in her, someone who needed him to help her broaden her horizons and happily set about coaxing and teasing her into, what he considered, the basics of the act of sex. She complied because he was "such a good catch" and resigned herself to the reality that, for her, sex was just uncomfortable, messy and not something she wanted a lot of. She was brought up to believe that marriage sanctified the fumbling attempts her husband made and she endured his advances for many years. She raised three children and tried to be content, but she knew something was missing. Other women spoke of orgasm like it was something holy, but she figured they were making it up to justify their loose morals.
One day, she noticed a box her daughter had gotten in the mail. Her daughter blushed but gamely opened the box revealing the small clitoral toy she had purchased from an online retailer. The two had a long conversation and the daughter was shocked to learn that her mother had never had an orgasm! For Christmas, she bought her mother a book about the female body and orgasm. Along with the book, she packaged a little clitoral toy and gave it to her mother in private. Her mother devoured the book with much blushing and head shaking. The things this author was brazenly talking about! The author was a doctor though, so it must be true. Soon after that fateful holiday, our heroine achieved her first orgasm, at her own hand, after exploring her genitals like the book suggested. The world opened that day for her! She found the online retailer her daughter frequented and placed an order for a few more daring toys.
She happily showed her husband, thinking that he would be just thrilled that his repressed and boring wife was being so adventurous and wild. He was interested and listened as she told him all of the things she had learned about her own body. The sex that night was fresh, exciting and everything he had been asking for! A few weeks later when he walked into the bedroom to see his wife naked and writhing around a fairly large dildo, things changed. He began to feel jealous of the toys and to be very abusive to his wife about her new found interest. Far from enjoying her liberation, he resented the fact that she had discovered it on her own.
My friend was understandably bewildered by his behavior. The more she desired him the less he seemed to care. He derided her toys and then tried to ban her from buying anymore. She wasn't going to allow this behavior and asked some friends what they thought about the matter. This was when my friend received some marriage advice that seemed so innocuous and sweet that most people assumed it was great advice. The advice was along the lines of: if your partner really doesn't like something you do for yourself, like masturbation, it is vital to the marriage that you respect his/her comfort level and sacrifice the behavior for the benefit of your marriage.
One day, she noticed a box her daughter had gotten in the mail. Her daughter blushed but gamely opened the box revealing the small clitoral toy she had purchased from an online retailer. The two had a long conversation and the daughter was shocked to learn that her mother had never had an orgasm! For Christmas, she bought her mother a book about the female body and orgasm. Along with the book, she packaged a little clitoral toy and gave it to her mother in private. Her mother devoured the book with much blushing and head shaking. The things this author was brazenly talking about! The author was a doctor though, so it must be true. Soon after that fateful holiday, our heroine achieved her first orgasm, at her own hand, after exploring her genitals like the book suggested. The world opened that day for her! She found the online retailer her daughter frequented and placed an order for a few more daring toys.
She happily showed her husband, thinking that he would be just thrilled that his repressed and boring wife was being so adventurous and wild. He was interested and listened as she told him all of the things she had learned about her own body. The sex that night was fresh, exciting and everything he had been asking for! A few weeks later when he walked into the bedroom to see his wife naked and writhing around a fairly large dildo, things changed. He began to feel jealous of the toys and to be very abusive to his wife about her new found interest. Far from enjoying her liberation, he resented the fact that she had discovered it on her own.
My friend was understandably bewildered by his behavior. The more she desired him the less he seemed to care. He derided her toys and then tried to ban her from buying anymore. She wasn't going to allow this behavior and asked some friends what they thought about the matter. This was when my friend received some marriage advice that seemed so innocuous and sweet that most people assumed it was great advice. The advice was along the lines of: if your partner really doesn't like something you do for yourself, like masturbation, it is vital to the marriage that you respect his/her comfort level and sacrifice the behavior for the benefit of your marriage.
Well thought out and thought-provoking examination of a difficult subject. Thanks for sharing this story and its implications with us.
That was extreamly helpful and made me think. Thank you!
It scares me that our society has such backward views of what makes a lasting relationship. Denying something that brings you pleasure, but harms no one, because your spouse or significant other is jealous of the activity is a sure way to destroy yourself. It doesn't help your partner to grow and deepen his/her trust in you and your love it just avoids the issue. It simply isn't a very loving thing to do for your partner...to deny them a chance to grow and deal with their own discomfort in a mature manner.
This was a little wild to read. Marriage is about love, not denial. Very well-thought-out article.