Independence or Co-dependence?

To be or not to be independent, that is the question. This is one of those topics that sometimes comes up on the first few dates with a potential partner. Are you more independent or dependent? Do you drift into the co-dependent category? Maybe you have not thought about it much, but it's important. I will share my personal discoveries in all three categories to see if I can help.

I moved out of my home at 18 and went away to college, but I stayed in close contact with my family. I always had a roommate, or even multiple roommates, during college. I had never lived on my own when I was in college. Finally, at the tender age of 23, I got my first apartment by myself. I slept with the light on that first night, and I jumped every time I heard a noise. Over time, though, I got used to it. I finally began to feel independent. I overlooked the fact that I had to be on the phone or internet a lot, and that I had to have people over. I was just not comfortable being alone.

So, I relocated for grad school; I continued to live on my own. However, a couple of months later, I let my new partner move in with me. This was the first time I had lived with a significant other. My partner had a different opinion on how the apartment should look, and I just went along with it for the longest time. My partner would rearrange the furniture while I was in class, or he'd take down some decoration of mine, saying it was too kitschy. I found that I was changing my habits and the way that I did things at home to suit this person, but I was not making demands of this nature on my partner. I wrote it off, as I was the more laid back one for a while. Then, however, something happened; suddenly I was angry and fed up with it.

I broke things off with my partner (by this point we had been engaged and living together for 3 1/2 years). I moved out and got my own space. I bought new furniture and organized the house how I wanted to. I made my own schedule, and I ate cereal for dinner. I got used to going to the grocery by myself again, and doing errands alone. I went out for coffee alone. I also made new acquaintances. I noticed people and things that I never noticed before, and I went to restaurants that my partner had not wanted to go to. I started working on my own self-esteem, as this is what had led me into this situation in the first place. I acknowledged that our relationship had gotten a bit co-dependent, and that it was unhealthy. My partner always wanted to know where I was, and he tagged along to several friend hangouts only to complain that he wanted to leave early.

I began working on self love and setting boundaries with people in my life. I began to make myself stay at home once a week with no internet or phone to distract me. I just began pending time with myself. It was not an easy journey, but I am so glad that I did it. My partner had not appreciated fancy lingerie. so one of the first things I did was to go out and buy myself fancy lingerie and heels. I appreciate those things, so why not? I took back control of my life and began having adventures as a single lady again.

So, I personally think that independence is very important in a relationship. It creates healthy boundaries with partners, and it keeps things interesting. I will not enter into another relationship without a healthy amount of independence. I have learned from my experience; I need to maintain my own identity in a relationship.