While I agree that porn isn’t cheating from my perspective, I definitely don’t agree with the notion of dictating what is and isn’t cheating for another couple.

It’s great if you’re okay with the idea of your partner watching porn. Hell, you may even be in an open relationship, in which case your threshold for jealousy-related discomfort is much higher than most. But please don’t forget about those who have a lower threshold on that front. Please don’t tell them that their emotions are wrong, that their reactions are silly, or that their desires are oppressive. Not everyone finds it as easy as you do.

The thing is, every couple gets to decide amongst themselves what their romantic and sexual boundaries are. That’s not something anyone else can or should dictate for them. Every couple should have that conversation toward the beginning of their relationship, in which they discuss what makes them uncomfortable and what doesn’t. If there’s a point of disagreement, it should be unpacked and dissected until it can be resolved - and if both parties are firm on their views, they should part ways. No one should stay in a relationship with someone who has a significantly different definition of cheating. It just won’t work.

If I told my partner, for example, that I would feel cheated on if he had a conversation with his ex-girlfriend (which I would never do - this is hypothetical), he would have an obligation to either respect that boundary, try to explain why he disagreed, or end the relationship. Those are the three acceptable options. What’s not an acceptable option is for him to say, “You’re being a child, you’re obviously insecure, this is bullshit, I’ll do what I want.” Why? Because that’s extremely disrespectful, in a type of relationship where disrespect should not be tolerated, and it’s also a form of denying my emotions. Emotions are not up for debate. Sorry, but that’s how fair and sane relationships work.

Mainly, it bothers me to see people get put down for simply expressing how they feel. True, they may be overly sensitive or insecure, but those things are hard to change, and it’s not helpful to be admonished for being insecure. In fact, that often just makes it worse.

Look, there’s no reason to stay in a relationship with someone who abhors something you love to do (like watching porn). Even if you tell yourself you’re going to quit porn in favor of keeping your partner, odds are excellent that you’ll eventually stray from that decision, and they’ll find out. Not to mention, the relationship will be plagued with paranoia and distrust.

Better to just make sure your definition of cheating matches that of your partner, as early as possible in every relationship. And then don’t cheat.