I Want Your Love, I Want Your Disease. I Want You Open Mouthed And On Your Knees.

Throughout the months that we got to know each other, it felt like a fairy tale. He texted me, "Good Morning, Beautiful" every single morning. We called each other constantly. I couldn't get him out of my head, and I wanted to meet him so badly. He was only four hours away, but I was insanely scared. I'd heard stories about the internet and Craigslist killers. I knew that he could possibly be some killer.

About a week before we were planning to meet. I accidentally let it slip. I said the "L" word. We were getting off the phone and I said, "I love you, bye!" Then I was like, "Oh shit." He said that I slipped and said it. And slipping and saying those three magical words means that I felt it in my heart. He asked if I really did think that I loved him. I answered completely and honestly, "I don't think, I know that I love you." He told me that he knew that he loved me too, and that he couldn't believe that I even started talking to him and was willing to meet him.

He showed up at my house a week later and I was scared shitless. I was all dolled up and very nervous. He came to my door and had my favorite kind of flowers in his hand, daisies. I had only told him that once, and he remembered. They were beautiful, and I could barely speak. I put them in a vase and told him that we should go. I could barely look at him, and I felt a shock of electricity when he grabbed my hand for the first time. I was so nervous, but I finally got into his car and didn't have a clue what I was doing. He was talking to me calmly, trying to relax me. We drove for a little bit, then he stopped the car. I asked why we were stopping with my cute little nervous giggle, and he said, "I need to kiss you." He leaned over and gave me one of those kisses that the movies talk about. I felt tingles in my lips and saw fireworks. It was the most perfect kiss that I had ever had. I put my hands around his neck to bring him closer to me and kissed him just like he had kissed me. I was still nervous, but I knew that I wanted him in a really bad way.

We got to the hotel. He helped me with my bags and we entered the room. I think I literally started to hyperventilate. I excused myself to the bathroom and was trying to pull myself together. All these feelings and thoughts were rushing through my mind: "What am I doing here? I don't know him! What am I doing? What if he kills me? What if he rapes me? I don't know him! What the hell am I doing? Am I going to be okay? What the hell am I going to do?" My mind switched gears and started thinking about: "I love him. I can do this. He is perfect for me. We are completely in sync. He knows all about my kinks and fetishes and embraces them. He enjoys them. They are his kinks and fetishes too. He makes me laugh and gives me butterflies in my stomach. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!"

I left the bathroom, and the rest was history. We explored every single inch of each other's bodies. We explored every kink and fetish that we had ever talked about. It was some earth-shattering phenomenon that I couldn't explain. We were so in sync, I felt like I could read his mind. He knew exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it done. He knew exactly when I was about to be "pushed" too far and eased back. He just knew. He knew me. I loved that he knew so much about me. We kissed and cuddled.

In person, I wasn't the first to say,"I love you." He told me that he loved me first. I couldn't believe my ears. He sounded genuine and I believed him. I believed a man for the first time. He loved me. I held back my happy tears. I told him I loved him too and cuddled up right next to him. We fell asleep. I didn't even mind the snoring.

That picture was taken the day after he left. I was the happiest girl in the world. I couldn't stop smiling, and I knew that I wanted to be with him. He lived four hours away from me, and I knew it would be difficult. We set a date when I would move in. I was scared and nervous again, but I knew I was going to be okay. When the month came that I was going to move in, I got really sick.

I started fainting a lot more. I was in and out of the hospital. I was on a crazy amount of pills. I was not healthy. I told him that I was very sorry, but I needed to take care of myself first before I could move in with him. At first, he didn't understand. After a couple of days, he finally understood. He had never seen me faint and rarely knew when I was sick or was having a bad day. I understood that I had never shown him that side of myself.

For now, I have been diagnosed with Vasovagal Syncope Response -- just a long word for fainting frequently. I have been living with this for a year now. No cure. Life decided I needed something more thrown at me, I suppose. I also have major depression and anxiety due to the fainting issue. Major panic attacks follow and many other complications.

He finally understood how sick I was, and he still wanted me. He waited till I was stable again. All he wanted was me, and he was going to get it. I let him. I wanted him the day I first saw him, and I continue to completely love him, each and every day.

I eventually moved in and was only going to stay for "two weeks." Well... that two weeks turned into about five months. I don't ever want to leave. We may have our ups and downs. We may have our occasional fights and misunderstands. We may not be aroused when the other is. Somehow, we make it work. I don't know how. We have nothing in common. In the end, all I want is him. In the end, all he wants is me.

Love. Passion. Lust. Kink. Fetish. That explains it all and more. There are no words. I wouldn't trade it for the world.