"The difference between law and in-law is you can justify yourself before law, but never before in-laws."

— Uknown

Common Situations And How To Manage Them

It’s not true that every in-law dislikes their offspring’s spouse. I’ve had more boyfriends, whose parents despised me than not, but for the past six years, I’ve had in-laws who are fond of me. Maybe that’s because my in-laws only consist of a father-in-law, a sister-in-law (who we don’t associate with), and a grandmother-in-law.

I’m going to discuss some common situations between a person and their relatives, in the case of a family openly disliking your chosen spouse.

I think we’ve all been involved with a guy/girl, who our parents did not approve of, and in one case or another, we’ve often discovered our parents to be right. I do recommend taking into account your loved one’s opinions, when you are in a new relationship. Perhaps they see something beyond what you do, in a potential spouse. However, if you’ve been there and discovered your lover was not guilty of any devious behavior but your family still isn’t convinced enough to be civil, you may find these situational examples and tips to come in handy.

Whether you’re on the receiving end of your spouse’s unpleasant family behavior, or your own family is the guilty party, I think these tips for maintaining some peace can apply to both situations.

Situation number one: Your family desperately needs to tell you their less-than-loving feelings about your partner. What do you do?

Listen. Show your loved one(s) that you understand that they’re coming from an outsider’s point of view, and that they’re only looking out for you, and then assure them that you are in control. You can take care of yourself just fine. Tell them that yes, you are aware of what you’re “getting yourself into,” and that you’re okay with it. Maybe even throw in a “you raised me to be strong, so I can handle whatever I may have to go through in my relationship.”

If they press on, shrug it off with something like “well, I’m in it for the long-haul, so I will stick around and see how it goes.” This tells them, right off the bat, that you’re happy with this person, and that you don’t plan to leave them, but should their suspicions come true, you can handle it. Phrases like “we’ll see how it goes” are somewhat dismissive, so it’s a way to make it clear that you’ve understood their point and you aren’t jumping on the defense, but are going to stick around for your partner.

Situation number two: Accusations

Whether your family is accusing him/her of being a cheater, a creep, or a no-good low-down S.O.B., accusing someone of anything, without being 100% sure, is a nasty road to travel. Assuming your partner is not a known-cheater or a low-down son of a gun, this would be the situation where the passive-aggressive attitude ship has sailed, and you have to be firm.

Think about the accusation, and who’s making it. Is it your mother? Sister? Someone who’s showed hints of jealousy in the past? Someone who’s a Grinch and always has to stir something up? These are all very likely reasons why most people accuse without knowing, or caring. They intend to upset.

How do you deal with a person like that? You do not ever let them cause the ultimate reaction they've been planning for all month long. Avoid running into the dining room and jerking your partner up by the collar. Remember that the type of person who accuses, without knowing a thing, is often doing it only for one reason - to upset your relationship, and yes, family members are capable of this.

Laugh it off, if that’s the only way this person will go away. If not, you could choose an approach that I myself have had to take once or twice – privately telling the accuser that you’re not spending your Holidays getting involved in a petty fight over a lie, even if they are your family. Say it, “even though you’re my cousin and I enjoy visiting you, I’m not letting a lie ruin my Christmas.” That tells them right off the bat, that you aren’t giving any credit to their lie, but it says it in a kind, gentle way. Besides that, it also gives the accuser what he/she really wants anyways: attention, but in a good way. The accuser, you see, likely only wants to be acknowledged and welcomed. They want to feel that someone enjoys their presence (even if you really don’t), and telling them that you enjoy visiting them may remove their urge to destroy the Holidays altogether.

Perhaps this person’s reasons for upsetting you is jealousy, you have a partner and they don’t, and that’s why they want to stir you up.

If that’s the case then, possibly the problem is best resolved in a well-mannered way because in the end, you’ve said flat-out that you won’t believe their lies, you’ve called them out by saying “I won’t be fighting with my spouse over lies.” Their plan failed. But you also said that you enjoy visiting with them. They win what they really wanted after all – to feel a little wanted by someone, even if it’s just a cousin.

Perhaps, this person’s used to being a little left out. In most cases, the accuser has one of the reasons mentioned for their accusing, and that is why this type of attitude, towards the situation, tends to bring peace and stop the madness in its tracks.

Situation number three: Dad won’t stop making fun of your lovie?

He always has jokes, but sometimes they hurt. Well, dish those jokes right back out. An example would be when dad makes fun of your partner’s choice of hair style. How about trying something like “Oh, dad! You’re just jealous because you haven’t seen a single hair sprout on your head since the 90’s!” That won’t work if he’s got a full head of hair of course, but that’s only an example. The key is to push the joke back on the person. Laugh though, and try not to do it in an angry manner and this may quickly send the person your message to "put a sock in it."

Another helpful way to clear the air, when you have family members that are known to pick on your partner each year:

Your family always hates on your partner every single year, and you’re at a breaking point. Do you have an influential sibling that would have your back? This is just what makes having siblings so handy.

I remember when I was a teenager, my 11 years-older-than me sister would throw word in my mom and dad’s ear concerning certain issues. For instance, I wanted to go visit my boyfriend’s house, at fifteen years old. She casually talked to my parents, making it a little less tension-filled; “it’s Kendra we’re talking about. You know how responsible she is. I’ll drive her if that makes it easier…”

And you know what? It almost always worked. So if you're blessed enough to have a sibling or other trusting family member, whom you can recruit, put them to use. Explain how your feelings, or your partner’s feelings, have really been trampled on over the years, and how you would appreciate if this sibling, or other person, would casually ask dad to lighten up this year.

An example would be having your sibling/person say something like “dad, you’ve given my sister’s spouse hell for the last two Christmas’, now you behave yourself this time. Will you do that for me?” Oftentimes a parent or family member has a tough time arguing with that, especially coming from an outside source because it can show them that they are the problem and that other people have taken note of the way they act.

Situation number four: Your family isn't making jokes anymore, but they're downright attacking your partner. This is where you drop the honey-covered talking, and the toothy smile, and put your foot down. On the other hand, however, if your partner has a family with you and hasn’t had a job in six months, yet, you’ve been working full time while he/she spends all day measuring their arm hair, well, what do you expect? Moms & Dads don’t take kindly to a partner who doesn’t make an effort or who’s truly doing you damage, and in this case, I wouldn’t expect them to play nice and you shouldn’t either.