"It is estimated that fully 70% of teens in America have had sex but 50% of all parents think their children are still virgins."
Our Shared Schizophrenic Attitude About Sex and Teens
The United States and Europe are vastly different in their attitudes toward sex. As a child growing up in Germany and England I saw more shows about sex and sexuality during prime time television than is permitted here. Frank talk about sex and human sexuality is considered good programming. I learned about human reproduction from watching very graphic and detailed shows about how babies were conceived, and then born. I was taken on a trip to a working farm when I was in the first grade and we saw a horse covering a mare and then a sheep being born.
According to my mother, I was completely aware that the ram had covered the ewe to produce the lamb, though I had no actual knowledge of what the mechanics actually were! This seemed natural to her, and she was pleased I had such a lovely experience. My grandmother, however, was horrified.
When we returned to the States after 16 years abroad my grandmother was very quick to lay on some really odd wive's tales, like the fact that she would know I was having sex because after having sex my "hips would spread." To this day I can only shake my head at the silliness of telling that to any young girl. Even then I knew enough about human physiology and anatomy that I could spot the shaming behavior and I politely told her so. She swore to my mother that I would be pregnant before my life had even begun because I was a willful and wicked girl. This, then, was my introduction to the destructive attitude that persists in America when it comes to teenagers and sex.
Thankfully, my mother continued to stress abstinence as the one and only way of being 100% certain to not get pregnant or STDs, but she also taught me what I needed to know about my own body and its cycles. She taught me about the wisdom of using a condom and how conception actually worked. She hoped that if I was properly and fully educated, I would be able to make good decisions. Her attention to detail paid off because I was 26 before I had my first child, and I have never tested positive for an STD.
Since I received such a thorough education at home, I never paid much attention in Health class and was able to opt out for most of the lessons. I did, however, carry a 5 pound bag of flour around for two weeks, dutifully. This was supposed to show us how hard it was to take care of a baby. Since my mother had explained in great detail what was actually entailed in caring for a newborn, AND made sure I was able to observe all stages of infant care, we didn't take this lesson too seriously. My dog, more often than not, babysat the bag of flour. She thought, and I still think, that this lesson is a strange and stupid way to teach anything. The intention is good but the methodology is poor.
What we were taught in school sex ed was a sum total of sex is dangerous, scary, and makes you act insane. It causes young men to rape young women and we should never blame the victim. OH, and never, never have sex until you are married. End of discussion. My peers and I were left questioning whether boys were ever to be trusted, and it caused a lot of hurt for these unfortunate young men. My mother stepped in, once again, and taught me that boys were just as scared as we were about sex and had just as much pressure on them as we did! She, and my father, assured me that all boys could control themselves and weren't raging monsters waiting to attack.
I thought my experiences were pretty common but I am seeing that my education was colored by my early European schooling. I was horrified to learn that sex ed wasn't even offered in our school district until the eleventh grade, YEARS after puberty had set in for most of the young men and women. This is ludicrous but explains the super high rate of teen pregnancy in our area.
According to my mother, I was completely aware that the ram had covered the ewe to produce the lamb, though I had no actual knowledge of what the mechanics actually were! This seemed natural to her, and she was pleased I had such a lovely experience. My grandmother, however, was horrified.
When we returned to the States after 16 years abroad my grandmother was very quick to lay on some really odd wive's tales, like the fact that she would know I was having sex because after having sex my "hips would spread." To this day I can only shake my head at the silliness of telling that to any young girl. Even then I knew enough about human physiology and anatomy that I could spot the shaming behavior and I politely told her so. She swore to my mother that I would be pregnant before my life had even begun because I was a willful and wicked girl. This, then, was my introduction to the destructive attitude that persists in America when it comes to teenagers and sex.
Thankfully, my mother continued to stress abstinence as the one and only way of being 100% certain to not get pregnant or STDs, but she also taught me what I needed to know about my own body and its cycles. She taught me about the wisdom of using a condom and how conception actually worked. She hoped that if I was properly and fully educated, I would be able to make good decisions. Her attention to detail paid off because I was 26 before I had my first child, and I have never tested positive for an STD.
Since I received such a thorough education at home, I never paid much attention in Health class and was able to opt out for most of the lessons. I did, however, carry a 5 pound bag of flour around for two weeks, dutifully. This was supposed to show us how hard it was to take care of a baby. Since my mother had explained in great detail what was actually entailed in caring for a newborn, AND made sure I was able to observe all stages of infant care, we didn't take this lesson too seriously. My dog, more often than not, babysat the bag of flour. She thought, and I still think, that this lesson is a strange and stupid way to teach anything. The intention is good but the methodology is poor.
What we were taught in school sex ed was a sum total of sex is dangerous, scary, and makes you act insane. It causes young men to rape young women and we should never blame the victim. OH, and never, never have sex until you are married. End of discussion. My peers and I were left questioning whether boys were ever to be trusted, and it caused a lot of hurt for these unfortunate young men. My mother stepped in, once again, and taught me that boys were just as scared as we were about sex and had just as much pressure on them as we did! She, and my father, assured me that all boys could control themselves and weren't raging monsters waiting to attack.
I thought my experiences were pretty common but I am seeing that my education was colored by my early European schooling. I was horrified to learn that sex ed wasn't even offered in our school district until the eleventh grade, YEARS after puberty had set in for most of the young men and women. This is ludicrous but explains the super high rate of teen pregnancy in our area.
Thank you for making this article! My parents hid sex from me pretty much, but I still wound up learning about it on my own. I wish my parents would have talked to me about these things, otherwise, I may have known that the sexual abuse I was going through was actually sexual abuse.
Thank you for that, yes we need more parents to be out there enought to talk about sex as you and I have. From the time my kids could ask where babies come from I sat down and talked to them openly about sex on what ever leavel they where on. They knew that no bird brought babies to the home at any time, and most of the time the mom and dad did love each other and did live together, but also there are times that only one parent is in the home or 2 of the same sex. They grew up knowing the real names of the sex parts where.
I came a family where we didn't talk about such things with mom or dad. I never wanted my kids to go though this.
My daughter-n-law now comes to me and talks to me about the things her mom or dad would never talk about. By my being open with my kids and they will keep this going and more will catch on.
Let's start an education revolution! parents get out there and tell your kids the truth and then trust them to do the right thing. Be there and be open to your kids. let's prove the truth will, indeed, set us free!
While I agree with a lot of your points, I don't agree with the fact that this is an "American" problem. America has different areas and regions that are drastically different from each other. While I've met people who have been taught abstinence only programs and the kind of wives tales your grandmother believe, I myself went to schools that did frankly talk about STD's, different forms of birth control and contraceptives, and the realities of sex. To generalize the problem as "American" takes pressure off the specific states and counties that are responsible.
I am willing to applaud and name names of those areas where sex ed is actually worth attending. Please, if your area, school or even State has stepped up let us know! My State has some of the worst attitudes toward sex and teenagers, but if your State did a better job then let's take some time to thank the educators who took a risk and bucked a trend.
For all those teachers who are trying to make a difference I salute and honor you, keep fighting the good fight.
I went to school in a small Kansas town and we had a quite thorough sex ed program. We learned some of the basics about reproduction and ways to prevent pregnancy starting in 5th grade. Most of our "sex ed" at that time was simply boys and girls in separate rooms talking about puberty in general. Us girls learned a lot about starting our period, how to use a tampon, changes in our bodies, etc. I would imagine the boys talked about erections and wet dreams and such. But yes, we did have some discussion about sex at the time.
We then had sex ed sessions every year until high school when I only had it once because I was only required to take PE one year of high school. In high school, my sex ed course was much more informative about pregnancy and disease and how to be cautious and prevent them. We saw very graphic photos and got lots of info about diseases.
I did take an early childhood development class (but it is not something required of all students) where we learned in depth about menstrual cycles and conception and of course everything that follows. We also had the computerized babies that you have to care for.
Sounds like your school was trying! Good job It is great to hear that things are slowly changing. Maybe in a few years sex ed will include a non-shaming attitude about keeping our bodies sexually healthy. That's a great goal, isn't it?
Amen! I can't say enough how much I agree with you. I was taught about sex in a very blunt way and nothing was ever hidden from me. We had basic "sexual reproduction" classes for a short day or two in 4th and 5th grades so that we could be prepared for puberty. Middle school sex ed was a week with some more detail during science. High school sex ed lasted a semester and covered more "standard" material. It was, however, very focused on "just don't do it". My mother was raised by a German woman who was blunt and taught her like every other women of the time. My mother raised me to ask questions, know the clinical and practical sides, and to make wise decisions. If I just listened to the poor sex ed from class I'd had been clueless and worse off by far.