Introduction: What is a limit?
So what is a limit? The word limit comes from the “off limits” and typically refers to things that you are uncomfortable with and do not want to happen during a scene. Typically both partners (or multiple partners) sit down and negotiate what they do not want. Limits are also inclusive, though, as they also include what parties do want. Setting limits is basically just discussing what you want to happen, what you do not mind if it happens, and what you do not want to happen. Once you have discussed all of these things a scene can take place.
Hard Limit: This is a limit where you will never do that activity. It makes you extremely uncomfortable, or it is too painful, or something you have tried previously and just hated. It is something that should never ever happen in a scene. If it does happen the scene should stop immediately and it should be discussed right away. So some examples of hard limits could be nipple clamps, because they cause too much pain. Or anal sex because I just do not find that appealing. Or no using hot wax on my body, because I am afraid of getting burned. Although you do not need to justify or explain your limit, I find it helpful. It gives your partner a better idea of the limit and they can be a better play partner. In the above example where the person states “no nipple clamps” it would likely also be good to avoid flogging, caning, slapping, or biting her nipples or to go very slow. I do not think a person needs to justify their beliefs. They are entitled to what they do and do not like, but by sharing you can make it more clear and end up with better play.
Soft Limit: These is a more general term and encompasses two categories. The first soft limit is where you are unsure about something and not sure if you like it, but you still consent to it. The person is unsure if they will like the activity and they are apprehensive about it. They have some fear surrounding the activity. What this means is the top/dominant needs to be careful with that activity. For example one of my soft limits might be flogging. I am unsure if it will hurt too much or be too intense for me. So I tell my top/dominant that I have this soft limit then he/she should be careful when flogging. He should use a lighter flogger and go slow and check in with safewords more frequently. It is still an activity you can do, but you want to raise the intensity more slowly, watch your partner more vigilantly, and just be careful.
The second type of soft limit is where something desired is very close to a hard limit. This is where an activity you desire is close in location to a location you do not want. Or the intensity you want is close to the intensity you do not want. So an example of this could be you like biting on the arm and shoulder, but biting on the neck is a hard limit. Or you want to be flogged, but only on your buttock and not your back at all. Or you want to be paddled, but bruising is a hard limit. The desired outcome and the hard limit can be interchanged if the top/dominant is not careful. So again here the strategy is to go a bit slower. Raise the intensity slower, watch your partner carefully, and check in with safewords often.
Why use limits?
So why do people set limits?
Limits are set for a number of reasons. The first is that oftentimes people just identify as being interested in BDSM, but BDSM covers a wide variety of types of play so more specification is needed. Oftentimes during play there is a top/dominant and a bottom/submissive. In this scenario the top/dominant gets the sexual gratification of being in charge. If he/she had to constantly ask what their bottom wanted that would ruin the mood. But if before the scene starts they take the time to discuss what is allowed and not allowed then the top/dominant can use that information and his/her discretion and plan a scene how they want. This is important because being able to plan and have that control is where a lot of sexual gratification comes from. The same is true for a bottom/submissive. They often do not want to have any input once a scene has started. Their gratification comes from being submissive to the dominant, so if they constantly have to make suggestions then it can ruin the mood for them as well. People outside of BDSM relationships set limits inherently through communication. They talk and constantly adjust. The reason setting limits in BDSM is more formal is because most people do not want to do that during a scene when they are roleplaying, so the activity is made more formal and exists outside the sexual play.
What is a good way to go about setting limits?
To start setting limits I think it is best to focus on what you both want to start off with. So if you want to be tied up, or if you want to play with butt plugs, or if you want to be called names start there. Once each person has shared everything they want see where there is common ground. If you both agree on something then that’s is great. It is easy to use that as a starting point for your play. After that you will need to see where you do not match up, explain why to each other and understand each other. Talk and see if either of you is willing to accommodate. If not then you have established a hard limit or a soft limit. Eventually you will end up knowing all of your partner’s likes and dislikes.
The act of sharing, though, can be intimidating. It can be hard to share your fetishes and kinks and likes and dislikes, but there are websites to help with that. One is mojoupgrade. It allows you and your partner to take a questionnaire separately. You check off boxes that indicate your interests. Then what you get at the very end is a list where you both agreed. So your partner doesn’t get to know anything you like that they do not like. This can be a good starting point to discuss some of your likes because it starts out only where you have common ground. Once you are comfortable sharing some things and have tried them then it is more likely you will continue to do so in the future. Sunbox.me is also a list you can use. It does show your partner all your likes though. I will say that both of these sites do go down from time to time, so if you try and access one and it does not work just try again in a week.
As always if you have any questions or want to share anything feel free to do so in the comment section.