My partner and I have been dating for two years now, and a lot has changed since the beginning of the relationship. So, let us start at the beginning.
I go to university, and I met my partner there. We shared a class together, so we flirted and hung out. One day I asked her on a date; she said yes, and so it began. At first, I was very scared to tell her that I was into BDSM. I was afraid to tell her about the things that I liked, and I was afraid to ask her if she was interested. So, a couples months passed, and we got to know each other well. We then decided to become sexually active, so we had a lot of non-kinky sex. Again, I was scared; I didn't know how to bring up my interests. I had thought about mentioning it, but I really wasn't sure how to go about it.
Here is where I want to make my first point, so pay attention. There are times when you will like something your head, but you won't like it in reality. Because of this, it might not actually be important to bring up your interests to your partner. This was my first sexual partner, and I didn't actually know what I would like. Since experimenting with her, I have found that there are some things that are hot in my head, but not in reality (for example, forced feminization). So, my point here is that you need to weigh how important disclosing sexual information is before you actually do it. If my partner broke up with me tomorrow, there are certain BDSM aspects that I would not want to go without. There are other aspects that I would not care about, though. So, you should evaluate the importance of your sexual fantasies before you bring them up, especially if you have never acted those fantasies out before.
So, as I was saying, we started to get sexually active together, which was a first for both of us. About a month went past; we both really liked each other, and things were becoming relatively serious. So, at this point, I decided that I wanted to give it a shot and tell her what I liked sexually. Now, there's no easy way to do this, and my advice to just do it. One day I mustered up the guts and told her, and I'm glad I did. Now, I initially told her that I was into BDSM; I didn't tell her much more at first.
This is where my second tip comes in. You need to realize that you have fantasized about things of this nature for years; thinking of bondage positions, sexual toys, and gags might all come easily to you. However, this stuff probably won't come easily to your partner if they are unfamiliar with BDSM. So, when you say you want to try using a ball gag, don't expect them to know what it is right away. You need to take your time and go slow; explain things to them if you think they're interested.
So, for me, my partner wasn't really sure what BDSM was, but she wanted to know more. We cared a lot about each other, and we wanted to make each other happy. It all went positively for us, but there are some people who are close-minded and might reject you at this point. If that happens, be cool about it. Just realize that if you're straight and a gay man hits on you, you'd tell him no thanks and mean nothing by it. In the same way, your partner might say no to your fantasies. All that this means is that you two have different interests; it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You should still be happy with yourself even if this happens. I have read postings by people that are quite sad about rejection, but it really doesn't mean much.
So, here comes another tricky area... when do you tell your partner? I told mine late in our relationship, when we were already emotionally invested. I think I waited too long, really. If I did it again, I would tell them around the 1 month mark, and I have reasons for that. You don’t want to make too big of a deal out of your fantasies, because your partner should still come first as a person. Their personality, likes, how they act, and their character should matter, and they should come first. After that, there's the matching of the smaller details, such as sexual preference. By getting to know them as a person first, you have more of a chance of building an emotional connection. Also, there are people who will change a bit, like my girlfriend. My girlfriend wasn't into BDSM when I met her, but we have explored it. Now, she really likes some aspects of BDSM. My point is, if you have an emotional connection with someone, they will be more likely to experiment with you. So, I really think that the 1 or 2 month mark is a good time to bring up sexual interests. This does really depend on you, though.
My final piece of advice is to not dump too much information on them at once. When I first started telling my girlfriend my likes, I wrote pages and pages to her. She got overwhelmed by all of that; it was just too much. Because of this, I now only send small pieces of information at a time, and I always do it in a certain order. First, I start by bringing up the subject (such as rope bondage). Then, a day or two later, I will talk about it a bit more (tying knots, positions, safety, etc). A day or two after that, I will show her the rope, and that'll be it. A few days after, I would tie her up (if she was interested), even though I prefer to be the one that's tied, as this will help her feel comfortable with ropes. A few days after this, I will talk to her about tying me up. By doing it this way, it's slow and she feels comfortable, which makes her more willing to try things out. So, be understanding and go at a slow pace.
To summarize:
1. Get to know your date as a person before you disclose your sexual preferences.
2. Go slow, and avoid giving too much information at once.
3. Decide what is important and what you are willing to give up. Start talking about the important stuff.
I hope that this helps anyone who is dating and looking for a kinky partner. As always, feel free to ask questions at the bottom.
I go to university, and I met my partner there. We shared a class together, so we flirted and hung out. One day I asked her on a date; she said yes, and so it began. At first, I was very scared to tell her that I was into BDSM. I was afraid to tell her about the things that I liked, and I was afraid to ask her if she was interested. So, a couples months passed, and we got to know each other well. We then decided to become sexually active, so we had a lot of non-kinky sex. Again, I was scared; I didn't know how to bring up my interests. I had thought about mentioning it, but I really wasn't sure how to go about it.
Here is where I want to make my first point, so pay attention. There are times when you will like something your head, but you won't like it in reality. Because of this, it might not actually be important to bring up your interests to your partner. This was my first sexual partner, and I didn't actually know what I would like. Since experimenting with her, I have found that there are some things that are hot in my head, but not in reality (for example, forced feminization). So, my point here is that you need to weigh how important disclosing sexual information is before you actually do it. If my partner broke up with me tomorrow, there are certain BDSM aspects that I would not want to go without. There are other aspects that I would not care about, though. So, you should evaluate the importance of your sexual fantasies before you bring them up, especially if you have never acted those fantasies out before.
So, as I was saying, we started to get sexually active together, which was a first for both of us. About a month went past; we both really liked each other, and things were becoming relatively serious. So, at this point, I decided that I wanted to give it a shot and tell her what I liked sexually. Now, there's no easy way to do this, and my advice to just do it. One day I mustered up the guts and told her, and I'm glad I did. Now, I initially told her that I was into BDSM; I didn't tell her much more at first.
This is where my second tip comes in. You need to realize that you have fantasized about things of this nature for years; thinking of bondage positions, sexual toys, and gags might all come easily to you. However, this stuff probably won't come easily to your partner if they are unfamiliar with BDSM. So, when you say you want to try using a ball gag, don't expect them to know what it is right away. You need to take your time and go slow; explain things to them if you think they're interested.
So, for me, my partner wasn't really sure what BDSM was, but she wanted to know more. We cared a lot about each other, and we wanted to make each other happy. It all went positively for us, but there are some people who are close-minded and might reject you at this point. If that happens, be cool about it. Just realize that if you're straight and a gay man hits on you, you'd tell him no thanks and mean nothing by it. In the same way, your partner might say no to your fantasies. All that this means is that you two have different interests; it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You should still be happy with yourself even if this happens. I have read postings by people that are quite sad about rejection, but it really doesn't mean much.
So, here comes another tricky area... when do you tell your partner? I told mine late in our relationship, when we were already emotionally invested. I think I waited too long, really. If I did it again, I would tell them around the 1 month mark, and I have reasons for that. You don’t want to make too big of a deal out of your fantasies, because your partner should still come first as a person. Their personality, likes, how they act, and their character should matter, and they should come first. After that, there's the matching of the smaller details, such as sexual preference. By getting to know them as a person first, you have more of a chance of building an emotional connection. Also, there are people who will change a bit, like my girlfriend. My girlfriend wasn't into BDSM when I met her, but we have explored it. Now, she really likes some aspects of BDSM. My point is, if you have an emotional connection with someone, they will be more likely to experiment with you. So, I really think that the 1 or 2 month mark is a good time to bring up sexual interests. This does really depend on you, though.
My final piece of advice is to not dump too much information on them at once. When I first started telling my girlfriend my likes, I wrote pages and pages to her. She got overwhelmed by all of that; it was just too much. Because of this, I now only send small pieces of information at a time, and I always do it in a certain order. First, I start by bringing up the subject (such as rope bondage). Then, a day or two later, I will talk about it a bit more (tying knots, positions, safety, etc). A day or two after that, I will show her the rope, and that'll be it. A few days after, I would tie her up (if she was interested), even though I prefer to be the one that's tied, as this will help her feel comfortable with ropes. A few days after this, I will talk to her about tying me up. By doing it this way, it's slow and she feels comfortable, which makes her more willing to try things out. So, be understanding and go at a slow pace.
To summarize:
1. Get to know your date as a person before you disclose your sexual preferences.
2. Go slow, and avoid giving too much information at once.
3. Decide what is important and what you are willing to give up. Start talking about the important stuff.
I hope that this helps anyone who is dating and looking for a kinky partner. As always, feel free to ask questions at the bottom.
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