“12 Dirty Moves to Try Tonight”
…but all I could come up with was “humping your man in a septic tank” or “giving him a hand-job using a dead pigeon” and then I started to feel a little nauseous so I decided to just skip that one and move onto the next Cosmo subject, which is:
(For example: Where the fuck are my socks?)
1. “Pretty please tell me where you put my socks. I know you have them.”
2. “Tell me where you put my socks or I will stab your nana in the face.”
3. “I just poisoned your drink. The antidote is in my socks.”
4. “What? ‘Where is your penis?’ Oh, it’s probably wherever my socks are. Asshole.”
5. “No, actually, I really don’t think that cutting your penis off was an ‘over-reaction.’ Those socks are totally bad-ass.”
6. “I will totally give you a blow-job if you tell me where my socks are.”
7. “Well, I meant after it was re-attached obviously.”
8. “And after I get my socks back. Obviously.”
9. “Yeah, I know you’ve lost a lot of blood. That’s what happens when your penis gets cut off. But you know what makes a great tourniquet? Socks. Just sayin’.”
10. “Oh crap. Hang on. I think I’m wearing my socks. Oh my God, I feel like an idiot. Sorry, hon.
11. “ Okay, stop yelling at me. I said I was sorry.”
12. “Well, I don’t exactly remember where I put your penis to tell you the truth. Clearly I was a little too upset about my socks at the time to pay attention. Stop freaking out. It’ll turn up. Have you checked where you usually keep your penis? Because this morning I thought my socks had been stolen but turns out I was actually wearing them. I mean, you remember. You were there.”
Join me next week when I tackle “What Guys Notice About You in 6 Seconds”. (Hint: It’s your boobs.)
"Have you checked where you usually keep your penis?"
If his next question is "Where's your sister?" that's a bad sign.
Really, all you need is #6, for just about anything.
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you stop snoring.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you go to my parents house for dinner.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you empty the dishwasher.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you read this article.”
Actually laughed so hard I cried. AWESOME.
Sheer Awesomeness!
This post makes me worry for your husband. The answer is not to Bobbit him! Well unless you are wearing a clown costume. He might like that