Sex on Trial, Act II: F See C

Editor’s Note: Act I can be read here. Act III can be read here.


Cue Opening Title: Law & Odor: FCC

Narrator: There are a number of words that are considered particularly heinous. The men and women who prosecute these words are members of a special task force: the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). These are their stories.

SFX: Bah dum

Fade in.

Judge Judy: (Signals to Hoover) Counselor.

J. Edgar Hoover: (Fans himself with his files) Yes, your honor?

Judge Judy: Your slip is showing.

Sigmund Freud: (Quips) Well, it’s not one of mine.

J. Edgar Hoover: (Tugging at his errant lingerie) No, Oscar de la Renta.

Hoover excuses himself to go adjust his undergarments. Roy Cohen exits with him to hold his purse. Harvey “Two Face” Dent rises for the prosecution.

Dent: I disagree with my distinguished colleague.

Judge Judy: (Mutters) You’d disagree with yourself.

Dent: (Ignoring the remark, addresses The First) You’re more like Snow White than the Pied Piper. Snow White and Seven Ugly Dwarves: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.

Judge Judy: (Scolds) Watch your mouth.

An undercover FCC Agent pulls out his calculator and begins to make furious computations.

Dent: Those are the defendants’ proper names, your Honor.

Judge Judy: Not in my courtroom, Mr. Potty Mouth.

Shit has a giggle fit. Motherfucker pinches him into silence.

Shit: But she said…

Motherfucker pinches him again, harder. Harvey “Two Face” super-villian Dent and Judge Judith a.k.a Judy Sheindlin are locked in an eight-eyed glaring match. Dent blinks first.

Dent: (Bitterly) And they call me two faced.

Judge Judy: (With rising ire) Are you inferring that I’m two faced? (The judge tosses her badly dyed hair to reveal a second head—that of Justice Antonin Scalia.) I’m not just two-faced, buster, I’m the effing Trinity. (A second hair flip reveals the helmeted face of Darth Vader.)

Clarence Darrow: Your Honors, I must object. The Prosecution is trying to confuse the issues with this line of questioning. The First Amendment isn’t on trial here.

Senator McCarthy: (Bellows) Maybe she should be. (Dent shrinks back, nervously fingering his lucky coin. Even Voldemort looks nervous. McCarthy sidles forward like a crab.) So, you’re the First Amendment?

The First: (Taken aback) Y-yes.

Senator McCarthy: You think that makes you special, being the first? You think that the Founding Fathers wrote you first because you are soooo important?

The First: (Recovering composure) Yes, I do.

Senator McCarthy: Your honor, I object. Argumentative. Move to strike.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Sustained. Strike it.

Clarence Darrow: He can’t object to his own line of questioning.

Senator McCarthy: I object to you.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: The Defense will be quiet, or we’ll strike you as well.

Senator McCarthy: (Turning his pitiless gaze back at The First) What if I said that because you’re the first, you’re actually the least important. You’re the pancake amendment. Just practice. Just to get the ink rolling out of the quill. The Founding Fathers didn’t really know what they were talking about until at least the Third Amendment.

Moses—as in, “On the Mount”: (Heckling from the gallery) The Second!

Senator McCarthy: That’s what I said…The Second. What would you say then?

The First: (Squirms prettily, unable to look McCarthy in the eye for fear he’d suck out her soul.) Well uh, my first reaction would be something like “Huh?” or “WTF?” followed by “You’re wrong.”

Senator McCarthy: (Eyes bugging) I’m wrong? Me? (The concept is unfathomable) No, my dear Amendment, you are wrong. You’re the wrongiest, wrong in Wrongville. How do you know what the Founding Fathers meant? Were you there?

The First: Yes, I was.

Senator McCarthy: Your honor!

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Stricken!

The First: I know I look good for my age, but I was there. If you think these seven words are naughty, you should have met Ben “Hellraiser” Franklin. He’d wear priest robes to an orgy. One time…

Senator McCarthy: Three Strikes. You’re out!

The entire Defense team leaps to their feet.

The Defense: We object!

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (Sighs) You would. Does the prosecution have any real questions for this witness?

Senator McCarthy: (Petulantly) No, but we reserve the right to recall her later.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: So noted. We’ll recess then until next week’s episode.

Matlock: But your Honors, we have witnesses waiting to testify. It will be a hardship to reschedule their testimonies."

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Who?

Matlock: (Reviewing the witness list) There’s Slim Shady, Bono and Howard Stern…no actually he’s not doing anything—But Dennis Franz’s ass has a number of other engagements.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head) I’ll bet it has.

Matlock: It would be a hardship to reschedule his testimony at another time.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head) I’m sure his ass is used to hardships. (The Judy and Vader heads concur.)

Matlock: But…

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: No butts."

Shit’s shoulders shake with suppressed laughter.

Matlock: (Stutters) Buh-buh....

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Counselor, don’t make me hold you in contempt any more than I already do. (Lord Vader gives Matlock a look that sucked the air out of the room.)

Matlock: No, Your Honor, of course not.

Jury Foreman: (Rising) Before we adjourn, the jury would like to request to reexamine some crucial evidence.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: Which evidence?

Jury Foreman: Could we see that picture of Janet Jackson’s nipple again? None of us could find a clear photo on the Internet. I must have worn out my TiVo trying to get a peek.

Justice Judy-Scalia-Vader: (The Scalia head, nods in agreement) Me, too. Photos of Ms. Jackson’s pierced nipple will be made available in the jury room and select men’s room stalls, as well her Playboy pictorial for comparison and authentication.

Jury Foreman: Thank you, Judge…Judges. (The men on the jury—except one—raise their fists in victory, while the female jurors—all except one—roll their eyes in disgust.)

Fade out.