Apparently bikini waxes and piercings aren't enough anymore, and now voluntary surgery is the new black. Before I read up on vagina surgery, I would never have guessed what a “good vulva” looks like, but now I know. And I’ll warn you, don't look it up, because no matter what yours looks like, you’ll be second-guessing your vagina afterward. In a nutshell, plastic surgeons have decided that you need enormous trout-pout lips on your face, and utterly invisible ones on your vagina. Now, when people ask me “Are you an innie or an outie?” I’ll forever wonder if they’re referring to my belly button or my vagina.

And either way, my answer will be the same: It’s none of your motherfucking business.

Who decided this? Who decided that your vagina would be better if there was less of it, and why are we listening to them?

Here’s the low-down though, just in case you happened to find this page while searching for “What kind of vagina should I ask my surgeon for?” First off, I want you to stab whoever it was that made you think you needed cosmetic surgery on your stimulus package. Secondly, no. There is not a straight man alive who decided to not have sex with a woman because her vagina “just wasn’t pretty enough.” These are the same men who happily refer to your lady parts as a “penis fly trap.” They’re not that picky, and honestly? They’re not looking all that hard.

If you do decide to get a vaginostomy because it will make you feel more confident and it’s a decision you’re making strictly for yourself, then more power to you. Make it bigger. Make it smaller. Add a laser and a margarita dispenser. Go wild. But if you’re considering having painful and dangerous surgery simply to fulfill the imaginary expectations of a society fixated on making everyone in the world look like a Barbie (from head to vulva) then maybe do a little soul-searching first. Your vagina is awesome, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shave my pubic hair into a giant middle finger.

Bonus: While we’re on the subject of body acceptance, check out the amazing Amanda Palmer’s video for Map of Tasmania. Not safe for work, but bad-ass.