So when Sexis offered me a gig writing a sex column I was all “Oh, no. Just…no” but then they were all “No, a humorous sex column. Like Sex and the City, except without the City. And with more vulva jokes” and I’m all “Oh I could totally do that” but now that I’m actually sitting down to write a humorous sex column and all I can think of is clown sex, which is less humorous and more just fucking terrifying. And my friend Nicki is all “There is nothing funny about clown sex” and I’m like “How about clown oral sex? ‘Cause it tastes funny”. Then she hung up on me. Then I decided to look up clown porn on the internet but the first thing that showed up was a movement to STOP CLOWN PORN and apparently they’re doing a really good job because I couldn’t find any fucking clown porn anywhere on the whole internet. So I call my husband from the other room and I’m all “Hey! I can’t find any clown porn!” and he’s all “Okay honestly? I dare you to say something more fucked up” and I’m all “No, for real. I need it for work”. Then he’s all “Wow. You win.” And he walks away and I’m all “I’m serious! I need it for my sex column” and he’s all “You are not going to get on subversive clown porn sites on the family computer!” and I’m all “I KNOW THAT. THAT’S WHAT I’M COMPLAINING ABOUT” and he’s all “No, dumbass. I mean, I put a safety block on our computer” which is just insulting because our kid is four and no one else lives here but us so basically he put it on just for me, which is just rude and antediluvian and also unfair because I don’t get all judgey when he has to stay late for a conference call but when I have a work deadline it’s suddenly not as important and I’m all “I need to do research!” and he’s all “Yeah, on clown porn” and I’m all “I’M A RESPECTABLE JOURNALIST” and then he gave me that look so I just gave up and pulled out my laptop and holy shit there is a lot of clown porn on the internet. And it was terrible. This is where I’d put links but I was so freaked out I had to run away and look at some clean 1950s porn which is awesome and also safe for work:





Moral: Old porn is now cool and acceptable and in 50 years the nasty clown porn you hide under your bed will be popular and shown in comic stores. Probably. Not the midget stuff though. That’s going to be illegal when the midget President get elected. He’s a Republican obviously because a Democrat midget would be all “Well, freedom of speech, motherfuckers”. I’d totally vote for the Democrat midget.

PS. It’s just been drawn to my attention that “midget” is offensive and I’m supposed to say “little person” but this is a sex column about clown porn so if you’re looking for politically correct you’re probably at the wrong site. Also if you got all the way down here and the word “midget” is the thing that’s really bothering you then you need to reexamine your standards because “CLOWN PORN”, y’all.

PPS. Please join me next week when I will not be talking about something that I swear to God is even more disturbing than clown porn. Honestly, it’s just awful. And I can’t stop watching it.