An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with

by The Bloggess Published: May 14, 2009

This week, the Bloggess makes us hip to all the celebs that women want to get down with...that the guys didn't know about.

Guys you would never suspect we want to have sex with but we’d totally do:
• Eddie Izzard in full drag
• Alan Rickman
• Dwight Schrute
• Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka
• Steve Buscemi
• Benicio Del Toro
• John C. Reilly
• The deformed guy from Mask because he was nice and also he seems like he’d be really grateful
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Sam Elliot, but only if he’s talking to us
• Chris Rock, but only if he’s *not* talking to us
• Prince, even though he’s technically smaller than us
• Gary Oldman
• Adrien Brody
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman
• Both of the lead guys on Shawn of the Dead (but not at the same time)
• New Spock
• Schroeder from Peanuts
• Neil Gaiman
• Our best male friend at work whom you assume is gay but actually isn’t
• That limpy doctor on House. I think his name is “House”. And his cane.
• David Bowie when he was in Labyrinth
• Will Ferrell
• Paul Rudd
• Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd at the same time while the limpy doctor from House watches
• Your brother

Guys you assume we want to have sex with but actually we totally don’t:

• Tom Cruise
• Fabio
• Ashton Kutcher
• Our second best male friend at work who actually *is* gay but you don’t believe us
• The guy at the gym whose neck is larger than his head and he can’t put his arms down
• Carrot Top (I don’t even know why I need to clarify this)
• That same secretary at my job that you think is hot, and yeah, I know she’s not a dude but I’ve seen you ogle her and trust me, I could tap that. You couldn’t.
• That’s not a dare, by the way.
• Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka
• Your other brother

PS. Yes, I’m aware that the list of people I’d do is longer than the list of people I wouldn’t do but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore. It means I’m *agreeable*.

PPS. I know I promised you something even more disturbing than clown porn this week but it was so completely fucked up that I can’t even convey it without using my hands so I’m going to have to do a video. An amateur video RE: disturbing porn. For a sex site.

This is all going on my resume.

But what do you think, America? The Bloggess wants to know who YOU would most want to have sex with--vote now!

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	James Rothenburg I'm a guy and I wasn't surprised once by your list Captain Obvious. Carrot Top? Really?	02/05/2010
	RobinJoker What about Johnny Depp as Ed Wood? I'm into that flashing smile and okay with the angora sweaters. He has to bring his own though, I don't have any angora.	03/07/2010
	Ashabutterflys This was a very funny post and i enjoyed it.	04/22/2010
	Foggy Okay, I know this blog was posted, like, a year ago, but I just found you, so, dammit, I'm gonna chime in! A. I LOVE your blog! B. So glad I'm not alone in my weird attraction to Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman. C. One more to add: the Cancer Man from X-Files. Really. Didja see the episode that was all about him, sitting, smoking...? lots of closeups as he took a drag on the cigarette? He has really sexy lips. That's all I'm gonna say. I've embarrassed myself enough already....	04/27/2010
	oh_nono your top two, TOTALLY in my top 5...but alan rickman would NEED to be talking whilest he was screwing me.	05/06/2010
	MissLily HEY! You have STOLEN my To Do List!!! Really, I thought I was the only one with this list of those people.	05/21/2010
	Jane Doe I know this is kinda old. But still.. New Spock. Fuck yes. I thought I was some kind of freak that I thought so, but now that the coolest lady in the world agrees, it must be true!	10/06/2010
	pagodess I have no desire for anyone on the list. Not even a little. Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson. They would be on my lamenated "top 5 list" of celebrities I'd jump if I had the chance	10/07/2010
	Illusional I would never ever do Vin Diesel. Jack Sparrow, mmmm.	10/14/2010
	Lindz86 I began reading all your blogs 3 days ago..and I'm already at the beginning...I LOVE YOU! And I ESPECIALLY LOVE how you mentioned David Bowie in Labyrinth... I've pretty much been wanting to tap that since I was 7 lol	11/24/2010
	Rhiannon David Bowie in Labyrinth...TOTALLY. I don't know how many other women feel this way, but I've had dreams and visions of the Goblin King since...um, I don't know since when. Forever, I guess! That was my favorite movie when I was a kid, but when I got older, it took on a whole new meaning for me...	12/17/2010
	Marieke 1) Abraham Lincoln 2) Beethoven 3) Buster Keaton 4) Ralph Fiennes NO: Guy Pierce. That guy is ridiculous.	02/08/2011
	Linga I totally wanna do Johnny Depp s Willy Wonka! Those squeaky purple rubber gloves get me going!	02/28/2011
	PussyPurr I masturbated to the Goblin King during pre-adolescence. He still turns me on.	08/22/2011
	iwantyouwantingme Steve Buscemi? really?	02/11/2012
	Teacookie Woot David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Captain Jack Sparrow and V. At what poitn of prince caree because he was icky a few times. Awww but Richard the old spock when he was young was alwasy my fav. 8goes to look up this "new spock". I don't recognize alot of the names.	05/06/2012
	Teacookie Zachary Quinto FAIL!!! bad spock bad T_T he only looks good with a bread shadow. How ever I do enjoy his other shows.	05/06/2012