I’ve never quite found the perfect anal vibrator|Exceptional collection of vibrating anal sex toys. My biggest problem has been finding one that gets the right kind of motion that my prostate craves. The ones I have tried, though decent, usually just did the normal kind of vibration (with varying intensity) and didn’t quite transmit it to the exact spot I wanted.

So I was intrigued when I found the Xtreme Penis Pack Bullet|Bullet vibrator: Xtreme pack penis bullet listed in the anal vibrators section and saw that it promised “5 Xtreme Speeds” and “7 Xtreme Functions” (on the slightly tacky side, it also promised “Xtreme Lights”). It didn’t list what those functions were, but I figured that surely one of them would tickle my fancy (if you know what I mean).

When it arrived, I perused the box to figure out more on these mysterious extreme… sorry, Xtreme functions, but it gave no clue. I looked at the instructions sheet that came inside, but it mostly just told me the proper way to insert batteries in six different languages. I guess it might have come in handy if you’re Portuguese… that and if you’re new to this whole electricity concept. That task completed, I just experimented with the buttons to see what the toy did.

Pressed the on button. Lights (seemingly indicating what mode and speed you were on) lit up, and the little egg vibrated nicely, albeit somewhat loudly, in an on-again off-again pattern. Interesting, I thought.

I pushed the button that seemed to indicate the next mode, as I hunted for a pen to catalog them. Turns out I didn’t need it though; the next mode was almost exactly the same, although it did sound a little different (oddly enough). As was the next mode, and the next.

Thinking that maybe the buttons were put on the wrong wires, I tried cycling through the speeds. No change there either; both the pattern and the intensity of the vibrations remained stubbornly constant. The “Made in China” disclaimer at the bottom of the box had never seemed more appropriate.

Oh and those Xtreme Lights? They never varied either. I was stuck on speed one, function one. Sigh.

Well, at least it did something. Intrepid reviewer that I am, I decided to push forward and see if the toy, reduced by 96% of its promised functionality, was of any use. I bravely (I say this because, given the quality of construction, who knows if the wire would break when I would try to pull it out?) inserted the egg into my butt and turned it on.

Not even close, I’m afraid to say. I pulled it out (thankfully without incident) and promptly chucked the thing. Although, thanks to the instruction sheet, I was able to retrieve my two batteries first.