Way back in history, when I went off to college in a city big enough to have a sex toy shop, my highschool best friend asked me to find her a simple vibrator. Thinking it sounded like a fun assignment, I stopped at an ATM and took a bus to a part of the city where I expected to find sex toys for sale.

I found a store, and I chose a nice hard plastic vibrator, not too big and not too small, for my friend of Spartan tastes. Looking with amazement at the racks upon racks of sex toys---this one stood out to me. "Double penetration? I love double penetration! All in one toy---and it even vibrates? This is gonna be awesome!"

At this point in my life, double penetration had only been possible with some repurposed tubes that had held bath bubbles when I was on my own, or with my highschool partner's penis and fingers (or fingers and other fingers) when I wasn't. The thought of owning something actually designed for double penetration was really exciting, and as I picked up the clamshell and walked toward the cash register, I even forgave the Duo-Dong for being such a revolting shade of purple.

When I got home, my excitement quickly plummeted when I opened the box. This toy stunk. I'm one of those sensitive-nosed people who lets a new PVC showecurtain air out in the backyard for two days before bringing it in to the bathroom, so it's not unusual for me to dislike a rubber smell. But this really stunk. I scrubbed it with dish soap for as long as I dared before expecting my roommate to get back from class, and then boxed it back up and threw it in my closet, hoping it would air out while we were both gone for the weekend.

No luck. But I was so enamored with the idea of the thing that I daydreamed of the Duo-Dong while waiting for it to smell less toxic. Eventually I was so eager to try out that I threw my olfactory data to the wind and tried to insert it.

I tried putting in the anal part first, just like I used to do with my plastic tubes. But... it was so floppy, it had a hard time slipping in. I warmed myself up with my finger, and then two, and that worked fine. The anal probe is only 1.25"---there's no way that was too big! But I couldn't insert the floppy thing. I decided to try starting by inserting the bigger, 1.375" vaginal shaft first.

And it burned. And it stung. And I couldn't believe this was going so poorly. I didn't want to believe it wasn't working, so I shoved it inside myself and turned on the vibration using the twist-base---but even the vibration couldn't make me forget the terrible horrible burning sensation that my vagina was suffering.

So I took it out. I took a shower, and I cut up the vibrator to see what was inside it, and I threw all the parts away. I woke up the next morning with a yeast infection. I hated the Duo-Dong with a passion.

I hated it so much I vowed never to use anything but hard plastic (and glass, which I discovered a few months later) ever again.

Antipova's "materials dark ages" lasted three years---and then I finally learned what had been the matter with my toy. It was made of jelly. Polyvinyl chloride, softened with phthalates---a material with a toxic scent and even more harmful health risks. Reading about the possible side effects of long term phthalate use made me realize I was lucky that my body had rejected the stuff on first contact. In addition to that, jelly is porous, so it is impossible to sterilize, so had the anal prong ever come into contact with the vaginal prong, I would have had to chuck the toy anyway to avoid bacterial cross-contamination.

What else belongs in a review? Use? Burning your privates while attempting double penetration. Construction? I can't say I remember much of the quality, but the material both smelled and was toxic. Performance? The anal prong was too floppy to insert. The dial cap did turn on vibrations after I had added some AA batteries, but the vibrations were not sufficient to make me forget about the pain I was in. Final thoughts? I threw this out and refused to use *any* soft toy ever again. Luckily, I discovered silicone, and was able to amend my lifelong ban. Sadly, though I've been enjoying silicone sex toys in all sizes and shapes, there has never before been one on the market that worked as a double penetrator.

I decided to write this review because Tantus, one of the best companies to produce sex toys, recently came out with a double penetrating vibe, called the Flex. I ordered it the day it came out, in midnight purple---to pay homage to the Duo-Dong which gave me such a twat-ache.

Thank you, Tantus. And I sincerely hope that no one ever picks up a lump of jelly as a first toy ever again.