I honestly did not want to write this review. It's not that the Xtreme pack is bad, nor is it any sort of laziness on my part. But... can you really do a toy this awesome justice?!

Oh, yes, this toy is sexy, but in a loud and obnoxious sort of way. With its bright purple body, lime green cord and embellishments, and flashing red light-up display, the Xtreme Pack is like the sexy drag queen of the vibrator world. I barely noticed the packaging of this toy, since the vibe itself is so pretty, but for the record: it's packaged in a plastic container with a rather boyish backsplash that reminds me of handheld games from the Wal-Mart toy aisles.

The remote is long and weighs next to nothing, even when the batteries are inside of it. It is made from purple hard plastic, with rubbery lime green grips that will help lube-covered fists hang on as they clench the remote. The battery compartment lid simply slides on and off. The cord is relatively long and is a translucent green color; it plugs in to a jack on the remote, which should prevent wire fraying. The bullet is several inches long and decently girthy. It has a pointed tip for pin-point stimulation. The vibe has a velvety texture that I really enjoyed, but it reeks to high heaven, even after many washings. Other than that, it's relatively easy to clean.

The light-up display is really neat! It has an on/off button and two pairs of left-and-right arrows; the first pair changes the speed/power and the second pair changes the function. A semi-circle of arching red lights and a 4 vertical green lights crown the buttons, and you can tell exactly what function you're using by checking out the display.

As you may have guessed from the other reviews on EF, the Xtreme Pack is AWESOMELY powerful. My friends and I were astounded when we plugged in the 2 AA batteries, cranked the bullet up to its highest setting and left it on my desk, where it pounded away like a jackhammer! There are five basic speed settings, which range from a buzzy 2 bees to an almost numbing 5 bees. I can't tell the difference between the fourth and fifth speed settings, but that doesn't bother me, and I get the feeling there's a fifth speed just to add more function combinations. This toy won't match your Hitachi, but as far as battery-operated vibes go, it's a total powerhouse, and it blows other bullets out of the water. The lower settings will work great for the more sensitive ladies, and power queens are bound to be impressed by this battery-operated wonder's higher settings.

Also, the functions on this vibe are actually... well, functional! I can't even begin to describe them all, but you get everything from pulsating to roller coasters to throbbing, in a variety of combinations and at several different speeds. I've yet to find a function I don't like, and just about every one can make me orgasm via clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation.

While the Xtreme Pack definitely isn't a discreet vibrator, I don't think it's as loud as other reviewers do. You can't muffle it with a pillow or a door, but I left it on my bed, uncovered, at top speed, walked out in to the dorm hall way, shut the door behind me, and couldn't hear a thing. If you have thin walls or roommates, they'll definitely be able to hear it, but it's not like the Xtreme Pack is jack hammer loud.

I wish I had some complaints about this bullet, but honestly, I can't think of anything wrong with it. It has never failed to give me an orgasm, it's stylish and unique, and it's super-affordable. I suppose it's a disappointment that it isn't waterproof, but unless you absolutely have to masturbate in the bath tub|Bondage duckie - cute toy with low vibes, that's small potatoes compared to the sacks o' awesomeness that make up this toy! If you decide to buy just one bullet vibrator in your lifetime, make it the Xtreme Pack.

With so many rave reviews from so many trusted reviewers, I knew I would at least LIKE this bullet. I didn't know I'd fall madly in love with it.

After extracting the toy from its mildly amusing packaging (seriously, my brother used to get toys at Christmas with the same kind of packaging!), I inserted the 2 AAs, plugged the bullet in to the jack, and did a sound and power test. My eyebrows shot up as the toy vibrated its way across my bed. Thoroughly amused, I turned the vibrator off, unplugged the bullet and cleaned the bullet.

Then I cleaned it again.

And again. And again.

UGH! Nothing removes the smell on this thing! I finally decided I'd just keep it away from my nose. I plugged it back in and went for a test drive.

Two minutes later, after having one of the most explosive G-spot orgasms of my life, I lay on the bed with the Xtreme Pack sprawled across my stomach, feeling absolutely gobsmacked. "How is that even POSSIBLE?" I marveled.

"I'm just that awesome," the cheeky purple bullet seemed to reply as its curved tip rested on my navel.

Before long, I was turning to the Xtreme pack every time I opened up my toy box. Sure, I played around with my other toys, but the instant gratification was oh so sublime! Even my beloved TantraBeam|TantraBeam review and Turbo Glider were pushed to the back of the box as I squirmed with delight under the all-consuming sway of The Purple Wonder. I even used it for partner play, and it held up relatively well to even penetrative sex, provided I rested a hand on the bullet to keep it in place.

Tonight, I decided to do the coup de grace before writing up my review. I had just received some mint pleasure cream from my friend's Spice of Life sex toy party, and I was super-excited to use it tandem with the Xtreme Pack. After applying a minute dab of the cream to my clitoris, I pulled out the Xtreme Pack and began prepping it. The cream began to tingle just as I turned on the vibe, which was a great surprise. Between the "third speed, press right function arrow twice" setting and the tingling cream, I was able to orgasm in less than a minute.

Feeling particularly adventurous after my recovery, I added a little more cream, rolled on to my stomach, and placed the vibrating bullet between my hand and my vulva. I proceeded to hump, add pressure, and just plain enjoy the awesome clitoral sensations. The added pressure also spread the cooling sensation of the cream all throughout my vulva, and the resulting orgasm was earth-shattering.

I cleaned the bullet, showered, and called one of my friends to rave about my experiences. The Xtreme pack lay on my bed, patiently waiting for me to put it back in to its plastic packaging and on the top shelf of my toy box. Instead, I shut my toy box and placed the Xtreme pack on top of it, right next to my TantraBeam.

"I love you, too, baby," the vibrator murmured from the depths of its plastic package.

And that, kids, is how I met your mother.