Normally, I don’t inspect the packaging of my new sex toys, (I’ve usually got other, more urgent things on my mind). However, after pulling it out, feeling it, and importantly, smelling it, I decided to take a closer look at what I was going to put in my body. The paper insert in the plastic shell had several conflicting statements, some of which I’ve printed here:“SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY”, “Wash before and after each use”. “Always use a rubber compatible lubricant with this product for maximum pleasure”, “This product is intended for use as a novelty product only”

So… I’m buying this for the novelty of watching a what looks like a worm made of pee-based gelatin buzzing all over the place? Or for the novelty of thinking that some woman named Teagan wants nothing more than the aforementioned pee-worm wiggling around in her? That's sex-negative, to say the least. What I want the packaging to say is, “Fulfill your every fantasy! Perfect for a watersport-themed party! Unleash massive, whole-body orgasms just like Teagan!” Just something encouraging, titillating, promising, or at least, not semi-depressing at the thought of this company not willing to come out and call a sex toy. Shame on you, California Exotics.

All that aside, the reason I was examining the package was two-fold: one, the toy smelled like one of those kids toys that hang out in the entrance to a toy store (you know the ones - small, easy to pick up, and fondled by every nasty, germ-ridden organism that came through), and two, I couldn’t figured out why the batteries weren’t working. Now, while I didn’t have my question answered as to how I could make my new toy smell better, or at least a good reason why it smelled bad, there was a strip of paper inside “detailing” (and I use that word loosely) how to properly insert the batteries (see experience). Eventually, I got it to work, and went to work.

The plastic "spine" in this not-so-wee beastie is moderately flexible. I probably got a 110-degree angle out of it all told, but by the time I had (gently, mind you) explored its capabilities, the hard, internal battery compartment was visibly cracking. I'd hate to think of what would happen to it after a hard fucking. Also, during use, said spine was actually too flexible, more or less conforming to the shape of the orifice without much ado. Forget targeted internal stimulation (for the g-spot, of course).

The texture of the toy was very grippy, but that was more or less a non-issue, because after one whiff of this bad boy there was no way I was going skin-to-skin. Between pthalates and the porosity (re: un-sterilizable), it's just not safe. I'm not a fan of condoms at the best of times, and this wasn't the best of times. Teagan had already lost points on style, color, and function, and was now getting docked for materials. Only one thing could save it... performance.

I tried it in my vagina for some stimulation, but it was basically a giant, vibrating, condom covered penis. I don't get off on internal vibration, but rather good ol' in-and-out or clitoral stimulation, so this wasn't really doing it for me. I'd rather my boyfriend use the real, hands-free thing, which isn't rippled so much (my vagina does not like ripples what-so-ever).

I start playing with my butt hole, however, and the purpose of the Teagan is revealed. The vibrations were amazing there, and I was soon trying to get the toy's head in. That was accomplished amazingly fast for my recent performances (which more resembled orcs trying to take down the gates of Helm's Deep than porno anal gapage). My boyfriend looked over (I had conquered him with my mouth already and he was recovering for round two) and was instantly turned on by how much of that toy practically slipped inside.

Double penetration was great, and I came both unexpectedly and hard. Not as hard as with black smooth plug, but I have the feeling that with time and practice, Teagan could be a master anal tool. The only hitch might be the lack of an easily gripped flared base, but the rubber material is so sticky that you could probably just unroll the condom a bit and grab on to the toy directly.

As for the vibrations themselves, I could definitely tell at least three speeds, which is better than the high-low of my other vibrator. The dial was more or less easy to turn, though I had a hard time remembering which way was which in my distraction. The toy wasn't vacuum-cleaner loud, but it definitely had an audio presence.

Here’s the battery scenario: I unscrew the base, look inside. At the bottom of the battery chamber, which is visible through the toy, there are two springs. I think, hey, springs, that means the flat side goes down. I put in two, AA batteries (not included), screw top back on, turn the dial/base to get buzzin’, and nothing happens. I open it up again, thinking, well, maybe somehow I got the battery thing backwards. So I flip ‘em around, screw the top back on, and again, nothing happens.

Feeling confused, I go through my bedroom looking for the battery directions I cheerfully tossed aside while thinking, “How hard can it be to put batteries in a vibrator?” I found them quickly enough, not that they were much help. Of the eight different pictures under two headings, “Battery Insertion Instructions” and “Electrical Malfunction” respectively, none matched my particular toy-anatomy.

The next logical thing was to closely examine the toy under a bright light, which made it look like an alien probe, all neon and translucent, not to mention in a color I’d never really pick for a sex toy. Eureka! On the inside lip of the battery chamber was a small, raised plus and minus sign, to correspond with each barrel. However, that gave me no clue as to which end should be positive or negative, just that they should be opposite each other. Trying my luck, I flipped one battery around, screwed the base cap back on, and turned the dial. Vibration at last!

After a few fun encounters, this toy has officially been retired. The pain of using a condom every time (something I don't ordinarily keep on hand) is a huge drawback, financially and mentally. Also, the novelty of it slipping into my ass has worn off, as I've gotten my "mojo" back, aka my pornstar gapage. I'd rather have my boyfriends penis, which contains no pthalates, is not see-through yellow (yes, that still bothers me a little), and has the added bonus of being hands-free. If you're a huge toy fan, you might hang on to it longer than me, but I suspect that with extended use the battery case would shatter altogether.