**Welcome, all, to another edition of Tales of Horror: Sex Toy Edition. Tonight's scary story is hosted by the sultry Andromeda, who has a tale that is sure to leave you biting your nails**

[[Creepy narration voice:]]

Our story begins in the far off land of the Golden State
The innocent heroine receives a package-- she can hardly wait
To open it up and enjoy the Triple Threat Lady Bug inside;
She was stressed and needed the pleasure it would provide.

The toy promised to please her vagina, clit, and ass
And inspire a most amazing orgasm; but alas
She knew the toy would not work for all because of the design,
For only the small-bodied would find it to be divine.

And she knew she could not use it often, as big and loud as it was
But she tore the package open anyway, feeling excited because
She did not care who would hear her groan and moan
If she only knew what was to come, she would've changed her tone...

Haha... mwahahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... *hem*

(Let it be known, dear friends, for your own information
That this toy is not meant to be used in collaboration.
It is best enjoyed alone, if you can indeed enjoy it at all,
For as our heroine is about to find out, it can cause much appall.)

So our heroine tore open the package to find the toy inside
But the sight she was met with left her quite horrified
It was bumpy and lumpy, and colored a pale blue
She was ready right there to bid it adieu

But she pressed on, so great was her need
So she placed on it a condom with great speed.
For the toy, you see, was constructed with jelly;
You can be sure that it was both sticky and quite smelly.

(Seriously the gross smell was so great
That even with a few washings it did not abate.
And I cannot stress the importance of a condom on this toy
For jelly is porous and will trap gook and germs-- oh joy.)

The greatly rippled surface of the shaft looked so sweet
Despite the bizarre appearance, she hoped it would be a treat
For ripples do provide extra stimulation down there
(Beginners and those who hate texture: beware).

The girl then wrinkled her nose at the toy
For the way it looked did not bring her joy
It was not delicate as a lady bug should be
But instead looked like a monster from the sea

Yet the shaft was realistic and fun-looking, not too wide (4.5" circumference)
It has 5" insertable, 10" in total, clearly not easy to hide
Which really is a bother for someone with so small a room...
Anyhow, now let us discuss the ass probe of DOOM

The ass probe is small and covered in bumps
And looks like a crab's pincher with giant lumps
It is supposed to tickle and please your rear
But instead sent our heroine running in fear.

Then there is the ladybug namesake on the front
Who vibrates most pleasantly just above the cunt
And though it reaches the clit of our girl, her body is quite tiny
So if your clit and vagina aren't close together, it'll make you whiny.

Though, in theory, the size of the toy will suit any user
You can probably tell the heroine found it to be a loser.
Not at all discreet... it was ginormous, loud and hard to store
It was unsuitable for travel, the design was quite poor.

Bravely the protagonist steeled her will and slipped it in
She pressed the vibration button, ready to begin.
The vibes were strong-- they tickled both clit and ass
And traveled most pleasantly through the shaft in the lass

But as she turned the vibes up higher and higher
Instead of getting wet, she found herself drier.
For it was so loud that she found it hard to enjoy
This supposedly glorious triple-action toy.

In hopes of making it more fun
She pressed the 'on' rotation button
But her hopeful attempt was in vain
For the rotations instead brought PAIN.

The upper part of the shaft rotates both left and right
It moves around, making quite the sight
And no, it is not just the pearls--
The whole section moves in circles.

Though the rotation is meant to bring pleasure
This experience was not one she would treasure
Quickly she reached the button pad to stop the horror
Before the horrid rotations made her any sorer.

She fumbled a bit, as the controls she couldn't see
It would've helped if they were placed more conveniently.
Though the controls are simple and easy to click
They are not easy to see when using the prick.

Though the toy is waterproof, to the shower she did not dare go
For if it was this loud already, the tiles would make it even more so.
She can say, however, that after she put it in water it still worked fine
Unfortunate, really, since destroying it was her design.

**We now interrupt your normal poetic programming to bring you additional information**

The Triple Threat Lady Bug has a control pad on the base. There is an on/off button for the vibration and a second button to cycle through the various vibration patterns. There is also an on/off button for the rotation as well as a second button to vary the rotation direction. This allows you to use one function without the other to give you many possible combinations.

**Next commercial: Important care and maintenance information!**

The Triple Threat Lady Bug is made of jelly, and therefore cannot be sterilized. You should use a condom if you plan on sharing it with a partner, though I recommend always using a condom for the sake of keeping it clean. Clean jelly with warm water and antibacterial soap (make sure the soap isn't too harsh) or a toy cleaner. In order to preserve the jelly, keep it in a cool, dark place. Jelly toys are NOT compatible with oil-based lubricants, but can be used with either water or silicone lube.

**We now return to our normal programing**

You may have figured it out by now
But I will tell you anyhow
Our heroine I speak of is actually me
How did I handle this? You shall see...

After trying all the levels of vibration
But staying away from the deadly rotation
I pulled the toy out, my attempts had failed
And the toy's evil mission had prevailed
(I am convinced that the toy is made for pain,
And attempts to scare you from using it again.)

But looking at the toy I began to shiver
(Oh how I wish it was my vagina that would quiver!)
I felt chills all along my spine
Clearly things were not fine

The toy, this lady bug, just looked so creepy
Just glancing at it made me almost weepy
I know not what happened next, but it gave me a fright
(Seriously, I may need to sleep with a nightlight)

The toy began to buzz, causing me to yell
And onto the ground the lady bug fell
I quickly grabbed it, I had had enough
I ripped out the batteries in a huff.

(Perhaps I pressed the button on accident-- who knows?
But the lady bug now sits in the dark with all my clothes.)

Into the closet it went, never to be used again
Until in some trash can it would be left in abandon.
It lives there now, lurking where there is no light
And thus ends my story... until another night.