"Okay, so for those of you just joining us today, we're here today with Hope, a cute little number that is looking for a few good women. Hope, the first thing that struck us about you is your size. How can you hope to please a woman?"

"Well, I'll tell you, Jack, size isn't everything and I should know. All you really have to do to make a woman cream her Twinkie, is reach her g-spot. And if you'll take a look at my head, you'll see that I'm uniquely shaped to do the job right."

"For those of you catching us on the radio, let me describe Hope: he is about the size and shape of a bike handlebar grip, complete with fingergrips... but with a large tilted head."

"...tilted as if to listen to, and cater to, a woman's needs, Jack!"

"Right! Well to see if you're all show, we've invited some surprise guests here today: WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN WITH YOU! THAT'S RIGHT! Let's bring 'em out and see what intimate details they'd like to share."

[applause]

"Hi, Jack, my name is Gina and I've been with Hope a number of times, and he was good. I know some women don't want to be with a short guy but like he says, he can reach my Orgasm Maker. In fact, I liked that once I had him in, it was hands-free because of the hook on his head. It's like his claw hand could hold on, which was nice, freed up my hands for more fun."

"Well, Gina certainly seems to have had a good time, let's check in with Sandy, see what she thought."

"Yes, well I had a good time with him too, Jack, and enjoyed the hook end, but the other end of his knob seems to have been built for aesthetics over function. When it was time to turn him off, I couldn't get a good grip when slippery and it was nearly impossible to end it."

"Yep, I notice Gina's over here nodding, can we take it you had the same experience?"

"Definitely, Jack, yes, smooth and round with no grips, just add a little inevitable moisture and there's no way to turn him off. The smooth shape did make him easy to clean, though, and he's clearly waterproof. And he's not power-hungry, just one battery gets him going."

"Did you find that the waves in his side felt good?"

"Couldn't really feel 'em, Jack... wanted to but couldn't."

"And his intensity?"

"He was fairly intense, didn't rattle my teeth or anything but definitely decent in that department."

"Okay, so to summarize for our audience, Hope's got: decent vibration intensity, wave shape doesn't do much but head-hook helps hold on for hands-free operation, very hard to turn off, waterproof and easy to clean. Overall feelings about Hope, gals? See a future there?"

"Decent, not thrilling. But if you need hands-free, he's the way to go."

"And I take it by Gina's nodding she agrees. Well, thanks to all of our guests today, wondering whether to hope for an encounter with Hope!"

With some experimentation, I may be able to solve the problem of the end with the swivel control resembling a large greasy marble. Cut slashes in the plastic sheath like I'm marinading a chicken? Peel the sheath off entirely like the skin off a chicken? Wrap it in duct tape like I'm wrapping a chicken in duct tape? Does pussy taste just like chicken?

But the real question is, aren't there "test kitchens" for sex toys? Do these things roll right out of someone's brain onto paper and then on over to the assembly line with no pesky interference by testers? Or did the testers say - hey, I can't actually turn this off any more than I can hold onto a greased pig's balls (not that I've tried) but who cares, it's all smooth looking and that's the main trait I look for in vibrators?

"I don't like it anymore" is a bit strong, but I do want to say that over time, my near inability to turn this toy off when wet has relegated it to the "very infrequently used" category. I considered ways to add "grip" such as masking tape (not sticky enough), duct tape (TOO sticky...don't want its determined glue near my bush!), or cutting ridges into the plastic (too much bother and would harbor bacteria). So if you tend to ooze wetness when using toys, I can't recommend this one!