I've always thought that reviews of bad products were easier to write than reviews of great products. With this one, though, there's so much bad that I don't know where to start! I guess I'll tell you about my experiences in order.

The package is a clear plastic cylinder that has a hole punched tab at the top, so it looks like it was designed to hang on a peg board. The packaging indicates the toy is waterproof, ultra-smooth, nonporous, and phtalates free. The outer package includes care instructions: clean with soap and water before and after use; store in protective pouch; use with water-based or silicone-based lubricant. There's a large sticker on the front of the package that says "Industry First Replaceable Vibrator" (more on that later). The vibrator was packaged with two generic AA batteries, a sample of WET lubricant, and a padded polyester storage pouch. There was a small insert that has color pictures of other Treeze products and provides the following list of features:

- hypo allergenic
- non porous
- splinter free
- phthalates free
- waterproof
- ultra smooth
- non coated
- lubrication friendly
- replaceable vibrator
- batteries included
- padded pouch included
- WET lubricant included

My first impression upon opening the package was that something smelled awful. It turned out that there were actually two competing awful smells. First, the protective pouch has a strong smell that kind of reminds me of the smell of fiberglass insulation used in construction. I have had the toy for two weeks and the pouch still smells from about a foot away. The second smell was the smell of the vibrator itself. It had a heavy varnish smell. That smell has gone away (took about three days to subside), but after several washes the toy still has a really chemical taste. The smell/taste of the vibrator haven't really impacted my enjoyment, but I'm not going to use the pouch, at least until the smell goes away.

The vibrator itself consists of two pieces: the outer piece is a hollow hard wooden dildo that is 9" long (7" insertable) and about 1 1/2" diameter. There are three deep ribs that start about an inch below the head. At the bottom of the dildo is an indention that serves as a grip (the toy is slick and would be hard to hold otherwise). The second piece is the vibrator. It is a black vibrator with a push button control that screws into the base of the hollow dildo. I take issue with the fact that Treeze bills this as the "first replaceable vibrator" since I had two piece toys like this at least ten years ago. Also, a quick visit to the Don Wands website taught me that the only way to actually get another insert is to buy a second Treeze vibrator/dildo combo like this one and share the vibrating insert between the two toys.

Even though the product labeling claims that the toy is made of a wood/urethane blend, I am 99% sure this is really a piece of wood that is coated in urethane. When I unscrewed the vibrator from the base, I could tell that the makeup of the wood changes on the inside of the hollow part vs. the outside. The black insert was covered in sawdust, which I don't think would be possible had this actually been a blend. Speaking of unscrewing the vibrator from the dildo base--I need to point out a big design flaw. Unscrewing the vibrator from the base and unscrewing the battery cap are done with the same motion. It is almost impossible to take the toy apart without having batteries fly everywhere. Also, I overtightened it last time and there isn't really anything to grip pliers onto, so I'm not sure how I will get the vibrator out if I ever need to.


The vibrator has 8 settings. When I had the insert out, the settings were distinct and seemed kind of cool (I did not use the vibrator by itself and it is now stuck in the dildo part so I cannot find out). Once screwed into the wood base, however, the vibration is distributed and dulled by the wood to the point it is impossible to tell the difference between the patterns unless you pay attention to the sound. Oh-- THE SOUND-- this is the loudest toy I have ever encountered. It sounds like a jackhammer or something. Somehow the wood amplifies the sound of the vibration and turns it into an almost painful noise. If you live in an apartment, your neighbor WILL hear you using this toy.

Insertion is pretty easy, and I didn't need any lube since this is a really slick toy. The ribs felt pretty good going in, but they didn't feel so great coming out (they are slightly "cupped" so an edge kind of hits you as they come out). I liked the inset handhold, as it made thrusting really easy. Once inside, I turned the vibrator on. I couldn't feel much. I pulled it out to see if it was working; it was. I could hear the vibration (as could the rest of my neighborhood, I'm sure) but felt almost nothing. I cycled through the 8 settings and felt the same, muted sensation on most of them (the 4th and 5th cycle have obvious pulsing).

I was okay with the vibration not working, as I enjoy hard dildos and this is a nice size. It is heavier than my glass dildos, which is a positive for me. I don't use hard dildos anally, so I can't comment on how that would be but I imagine that the smooth texture would be a nice feature.

I always try to find multiple uses for my toys, especially the ones I don't enjoy when I use as directed. For this one, I've noticed that the ribs are deep enough that this makes a nice massage tool. Also, the handle, weight, and firmness make this a great spanking implement if you like hard, thuddy toys. It is a similar sensation to a heavy bathbrush, but the roundness makes for a bit of an odd (but nice) feeling on impact.

One last thing, about an hour after I used this for the first time my vagina and hands were both really itchy. I had washed the toy first and wondered if I was having a reaction to the soap or something. I cleaned it again using something I've used before and handling the toy made my hands itch. I would recommend using a condom with this toy, to avoid potential reactions with the urethane finish.

I was cleaning out my drawer and found the Treeze under a pile of other stuff. I cleaned it up and tried it again, with a condom this time. The condom improved things slightly, especially since it eliminated the itch factor. I still have the same general problems with this toy, though: the vibration patterns are pretty much indistinguishable, it still smells bad, and the thing is still so loud that I couldn't even become aroused.