Remember that guy you dated in high school, ol’ whatshistoes? The one that when he’d paw at you, your mind would wander and you’d start wondering what ‘Charles in Charge’ was like in bed? This toy is like that schlub; predictable. It’s why they say nice guys finish last; what they really mean is boring guys don’t get any.

Sure, it’s got that bendy feature, but it doesn’t bend that much. And it says it holds its shape, but it really doesn’t once you start squeezin’ on it. The description says “it won’t bend back out of shape unless you bend it yourself” but they forgot to append “…which you will likely accomplish quickly and easily with your Kegel muscles”.

It also says “you can be sure you’re going to be extremely comfortable while using it”… well, that sure moves product. Yes, I got this new vibrator last night and WOW. I must say, it was an extremely comfortable experience. It was like accidentally sitting on the cat’s tail, only it didn’t pitch such a huge fit about it.

The vibrations are okay, nothing to write home about. (Note: toy reviewer does not recommend writing home about vibrators. Home says What You Do In the Comfort of Your New Place is None of Our Business and Your Letters Are Disgusting, Thank You Very Much.)

It’s got some interesting nubs and rolls, and those feel decent but not thrilling; at least they’re not stabby and painful. (Although they would be if you are an avid thruster or used it to go anal.) The best thing I can say about this vibrator is that it smells quite good, like a big bowl of Smarties. But splash a dull man with a great cologne and he’s still not a keeper.

The name cracks me up 'Party Bender'. Am I going to take it to a party to showcase its cast-of-Cirque-du-Soleil-like flexibility? Or does that mean it’s a party in my pants when I stick it in? Actually, it might be pretty good at mixing drinks. Just turn on the vibration, put it in the glass, watch your guests’ frowns turn upside down. (Then watch them take their coats and leave, steering clear of future imbibing events at your place.) Maybe the packaging was a typo and they’d meant to name it “Party Blender”.