I gotta’ tell you, it’s frustrating. Nobody does their job right anymore. There’s just no pride and everyone’s trying to get away with half-assing the job, crossing their fingers that no one will notice.

Which makes the Jelly G-Spot so exceptional. It’s a performer, it knows what its job is and it gets in there and it does it, and it does it RIGHT. Though nearly everywhere I go, the service sucks, this baby knows just how to service me. It’s a Volkswagen in a snowstorm and I couldn’t be prouder.

If I thought it was ever going to die, I’d buy a spare, but frankly I don’t see it. A tornado could zoop up my apartment and send it hurtling at 100 miles an hour into the Willamette and I think this baby would be completely unbothered. It would just bob along (it’s waterproof, see) and eventually wend its way ashore and should some curious animal nose at it, it would VROOM back to life and be glad to pleasure the wayward beaver.

But let’s get to brass tacks here. The vibrating unit is large and well-placed right at the crook. Being just a bit fatter than the toy assures that its generous vibrations will pound you where you need a good pounding. I myself am a huge slut when it comes to jelly products or anything that has a good flesh like feel and this one’s good: it’s firm, yet with a tiny amount of give, so that it grips your flesh the merest amount as it slides in. And when you squeeze it with your vaginal muscles, you can again feel that slight sexy give (until you’re completely distracted by how much squeezing intensifies the pounding sensation).

It also has a clever rosette pattern near the base to make it easy to grip with wet hands, should you wish to change the speed. (HA! As if everyone doesn’t just turn it full crank right off the bat. 3 speeds, 8 speeds, 86 speeds, just give me all you’ve got, make some magic here, rattle me ‘til my teeth fall out.) The one potential downside to the Jelly G is that if you try to ram this thing in too deep (insertable length is just over 5”), those rosettes are gonna’ scrape as they protrude quite a bit. So size queens may wish to move along.

Unimportant note: The packaging is quite amusing. It says it reaches deep, and of course it says Jelly G-Spot, then it says it’s not intended for therapeutic purposes and is only recommended for external use. Now, of course we all know this is a nudge-nudge-wink-wink situation but come ON, this may even be too thinly veiled to pass for that. If you don’t insert it, what g-spot are they talking about? The spot where my Garanimals hug? And if I’m limited to external use, wouldn’t I be seeking its therapeutic value? What else is there, I just like to prop it on my dresser and soothe myself to sleep with the pleasant buzzing sound? Never mind, I digress, just put this in your shopping cart and ignore me.