I requested the Crotch massager|Crotch massager on a lark. When I saw the blue case, with the all caps ‘CROTCH’ decorating it, I thought it was hilariously off-color. I love kitsch. I’m a sucker for it, I just find it off kilter and clever and amusing (sometimes). I didn’t expect the CROTCH to do anything properly, especially not at $6.99!

Never judge a book by its cover, right? Lesson learned.

The CROTCH started surprising me right upon arrival – it did not have any other packaging apart from the delightfully tacky case. No plastic casing, no cardboard, nothing; just the faintly rubbery smelling blue case. The vibe was fine, the case did its job.

The case itself is cheaply made, but fun. It’s held closed by a simple, white plastic snap. It reminds me a little of the pencil cases they used to sell, back in ‘the day’. A little puffy, flexible, and cheaply utilitarian. I love it. In fact, if the CROTCH massager ever dies, I intend to recycle the case and use it to house my Little Chroma|Little chroma review, which fits it perfectly. I think the case could likely last a perfectly respectable amount of time, so long as I don’t abuse it.

When I whipped out the vibe, the very first thing I noticed was a slightly misaligned seam, running right about the middle. It annoyed me right away, I knew it’d be a bitch to clean, and time proved my initial reaction correct. The seam tends to collect body fluids, and it’s hard to get it out completely, also it collects dirt. The seam is not very large, it’s quite narrow and I do not notice the seam at all while in use. In fact, it’s the narrowness of the seam that makes it so hard to clean. In the end, however, it’s more of an annoyance than anything else. Soap and toy cleaner make my unshared vibe perfectly acceptable to use.

I did not have time to actually use my toy, but I wanted to play with it anyway. I snagged up a single AA battery and plopped it in, twisted the battery cap on, and jumped as it *roared* at me. The threading of the cap is so short, it’s easy to activate and deactivate by accident during use and storage. It’s a good general rule of thumb to store toys without their batteries in, but this toy especially benefits from it as it really could start itself up easily.

Feeling daring, I snuck it in to work. I was alone at the office, so I turned on the vibe again, it roared again, and I set it on my work space. It spun a quick circle and fell off the table, and I laughed.

The vibration the CROTCH has is impressive. It’s quite powerful, especially for just using a single AA battery. It is also incredibly loud. It’s almost Hitachi loud, especially depending on the battery you place in it. A more potent battery (like for a digital camera) makes this thing incredibly loud, and powerful. A standard issue battery will simply make it very loud, and strong. This vibrator is not stealth capable, if you fire it up and others are around, they *will* hear you.

In my opinion, the CROTCH has a really pleasing shape. It has a pleasant bulge and taper, and the plastic is very smooth. I wasn’t uncomfortable with anything I did with it. At 5 inches, it was the perfect length for teasing my clit while lying on my back, and it also felt nice when inserted. My vaginal walls tended to shoot it out, so my thrusting action boiled down to ‘continually pushing it in.’ It felt quite amazing and comfortable, actually.

Be careful, the CROTCH does tend to get rather hot after 15 minutes of use. However, it does not get any hotter between 15-45. It never became so hot I felt the need to stop using it, however it may differ for you. It is not only the vibe that gets hot, the battery gets hot as well, and there is a smell from the battery compartment after an hour’s use.

After 3 weeks of daily use, my CROTCH massager is still going strong. The seam has altered color, there are a couple of dings in the perfectly smooth finish, and I’ve used exactly 1 full battery.

By my calculations, at 21 days of daily use, at $6.99, that’s $.33 per orgasm (orgasm math)! This vibrator is most definitely faulted, however the pros outweigh the cons this time. It’s very cheap, and very strong. It is also very loud, and a bit cheaply made. And then there’s that marvelously, fantastically, awful case. Get one! Give one away as a gag gift. It’s worth it.