You guys: do you need to give your uptight, prissy friend a gag sex toy? The kind that makes a certain Statement more than actual function? The kind where the point of the gift is to unwrap it in front of most amount of people possible? The kind of gift that sparks snarky commentary as you collectively explore the toy? Yeaaaah.

So what kind of "statement" does this toy make? I was amused enough that I kept the empty package for the purposes of the review. Apologies if you don't find it as amusing as I did. For you guys, I'll keep it short and sweet:

The Starlight G is aces in the G-spot department but completely fails with its one other duty: vibration. But I still give the this toy 3 stars for its entertainment factor and charming packaging and aesthetic. C'mon, these are called novelty items for a reason sometimes, right?

Further:

1. It's purple!

2. And it glows pretty once you turn it on!

3. Uh. And oh! And once you turn it on, it kind of. Kinda...uh. Hums? Quietly! But "vibrate" is kind of a loaded word in that it suggests the possibility of getting off using it. So...uh, it glows! Pretty! (And it's maybe also a waste of the AAA batteries. Not that I bothered keeping them in.)

4. It also claims to be waterproof. (Waterproof like the "powerful multi-speed vibrations" they advertise?) I'd care more if I actually bothered to use the battery-fueled functions.

5. Which brings me to--don't bother using it as a vibe! For what it's worth, it's a nice G-spot stimulator. :)

But the toy itself does make a really nice G-spot dildo. The curve is soft-firm and curved in a nice way to drag and pinpoint the G-spot in a pretty delicious way. I'm sure the three ridges on the body of the vibe (and I use that word loosely) contributed to my orgasms but it was definitely second place to precision G-spot pleasure, aided by a separate, working vibe for my clit.

The material itself, a mixed-material TPR silicone, is wrapped in a thin layer around a hard frame (the part that lights up). The tip is solid TPR and is flexible like a rubber Super ball bends in your hand. It's on the firm side, but soft enough that your G-spot thanks you for some give. [Editor's note: TPR is porous, so don't share without covering with a condom.]

It smells a little rubbery--not unlike the Super ball I mentioned, actually, but it's not bad or too strong.

The bulk of my toy review is in a separate box for one reason: it sucks. But it sucks in that spectacularly funny way where the flaws aren't OMGWTF bad but--maybe retarded puppy chasing its tail bad. So stupid it's cute and it grows on you. Maybe like a fungus, but still, the kind you like to give to others! Or something. ;)

But it may make a great gift for a beginner, because what's the best way to get rid of nervousness than some laughter to clear the system? The packaging is also very girl-friendly and not sleazy at all. I think this would be a solid gift toy with a separate toy for clitoral stimulation.

This vibe is so nice! So friendly! Such a good gift to give to your uptight girlfriend for shits and giggles!

First off, the girl on the package is no aspiring fluffer on a porn set--she's CLASSY and trying to exude classic Hollywood charm in a rhinestone gown, showing off her wares in a Jessica Rabbit meets Vanna White pose. I was charmed.

And this toy is called Starlight for a reason! There are little starbursts glinting like a cheesy smile out of the text and the head of the toy on both sides. Excuse me--this "Brilliant Glowing Starlight Head" is clearly the main appeal of the vibe, missing only the Lisa Frank unicorns and rainbows next to the friendly purple text.

Next was California Exotic's earnest redundancies. This toy is "hygienically superior," you guys! (It's a mixed-material TPR silicone so it's better than jelly, but is still porous.) They notify you of that fact twice on the front of the package alone, five (!) times overall once you flip it over to the back. And considering this is a sex toy with the corresponding amount of words devoted towards ad copy, five repeated phrases kind of sticks out.... *grin*

And they'd *hate* for you to miss the Starlight G's "Powerful Multi-Speed Vibrations" because you forgot how to insert batteries! Not only is there an insert with step-by-step illustrations, but once you *arduously* unscrew the *insidiously* tricky battery control wheel (that was sarcasm), tightly rolled up in the battery compartment is *another* set of meticulous instructions detailing how the batteries should be fitted inside, like a message in a bottle. (Tip: the (plus) sign goes with the (plus) sign, (-) with the (-). Hard, I know.)

Unopening this toy was like going on a mini adventure! Because loading a toy with batteries is tough business, you guys. *fixes serious stare*

And I've have never had a toy so earnest about my personal welfare! Perhaps because it's advertised as a "massager," there is a little yellow sticker on the lower body of the Starlight G that reads:

WARNING The device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas (What?! Disappointed groans across EdenFantasys-land!)...or skin eruptions. (Oh.) Do not use on unexplained calf pain (??! LOL!) consult a physician. MADE IN CHINA

Unexplained CALF pain??? Call your doctor?? They are so earnest!

I loved the tone of the packaging. No sleaze at all and everything clearly aimed at making women comfortably about buying "personal massagers." I've got to admit, and maybe it's just me, but I found it endearing. Yes, like a retarded puppy. Still, I find myself using this from time to time--at least until I can find a vibe that will actually vibrate.