For the first time with a sex toy|Triple teaser sex toy, I found myself more interested in the directions than the toy itself. To wit, Recommendation #5: “Keep the battery sheet inside the product. It allows you to receive more fun when use.” I could not figure out how to get the battery sheet inside the product, which, perhaps, is why I did not have more fun when using it.

This vibe itself is about 7 inches long, with 4 inches of insertable length. It is advertised as “soft & pliable,” but is in fact quite rigid, built around a hard core with only the last 1 inch of the tip having any flexibility. The vibe is made from TPR (thermoplastic rubber), which is pliable without phthalates-- a great improvement over older vibes. This material is absorbent and can not be fully sterilized, so should be used with condoms if it will ever be shared, or used anally. The package itself warns that the vibe should always be used with water-based lubricant. I did try the vibe under water, as it is advertised as waterproof, and it held up well, with a dry battery case and no loss of power.

Now for the down’n’dirty. The Triple Teaser is shaped like a saguaro cactus, with two small protruding “arms” that are very bendable and end with small nubbly pads. While in theory, these transmit the vibrations to the clit or perineum, I found while actually using the vibe that they convey very little at all – some to my fingers when feeling it out, but nothing I could feel once I’d inserted the vibe. I will say that the controls are very easy to use and, with the button in the bottom, you won’t be accidentally turning it off while using it. I first tried out the vibe by myself, intrigued by the advertised “front to back action.” So in it went, with just a little bit of lube on the end. I tried all three settings, but for the life of me couldn’t figure out how the resulting buzz was “front to back.” Because the vibe was so rigid, I couldn’t get good contact with my ever-reliable g-spot, nor could I use the vibe easily on my clit with so little flexibility. To be fair, I am not a huge fan of only The Buzz – I like some throbbing or pulsing, something that feels a little more like fingers and a little less like a blender on high speed. After playing for a few minutes, I set this vibe aside, and reached for my regular Ideal vibe, since it was late and I really did need to get some sleep.

So this toy goes into the bottom drawer -- I can't pass it on, since it can't be sterilized, and, as the "trash can with ban circle around" icon on the label symbolizes, it can't be recycled.

I took the vibe with me to visit my sweetie, who is always interested in the contents of my traveling tool bag. She felt it up, turned it on, and began by running it across my nipples, then down into my cunt. While I was in a much more sexy and aroused mood than I had been by myself earlier in the week, the vibe still wasn’t doing much for me. She held one of the “arms” against my clit, but even with that extra pressure I really didn't feel it. She tried some twisting and pushing, and still – not that much fun. Resigned, she tossed it aside, and replaced the too-rigid, too-buzzy, too short and too-narrow vibe with her very flexible fingers. Oh, yeah, now that’s better. I wonder why all those “realistic” vibes look like penises (well, more or less), but none look, feel, or act like fingers?

Several months and a few tries later, and I still don't much like this toy. It is too rigid and too loud, and the buzz on the tip doesn't convey enough motion to the "arms" to make the experience worth the effort. And I still didn't like the controls nor how much the vibration transferred more to the hand holding it than to my desired target.

On the up side, I did find that the shape of the tip has potential for ass-stimulating play, especially since the tip is the buzziest place, and is a little bit flexible, but the rigidity of the shaft limited that path for me. The tip could be used for clit stimulation, but for me was not nearly strong enough to go from "interesting" to "OOOO my gawd." (Because the material is only part silicone and can't be fully cleaned, you also shouldn't move it from ass to clit unless you've used a condom, again, too much effort for not enough payback.)

I am still amused by the cactus shape of the toy, though, so if you are using it, and have some time on your hands waiting for stimulation to build, you could contemplate these great cactus quotations:

--The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it. ~Will Foley

--I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin

--In a word, I heard that life's a cactus tree/ And should you find a way to break its skin, won't you have a drink for me./ But...if you're standing near a cactus, you're probably where you shouldn't be./ Isn't this why you left your home, though you love me. Ferron, "Cactus" on the album "Driver"

--"I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside." Morris K. Udall, American Congressman

--You can't see anything from a car; you've got to get out of the goddamn contraption and walk, better yet crawl, on hands and knees, over the sandstone and through the thornbrush and cactus. When traces of blood begin to mark your trail, you'll see something, maybe. ~Edward Abbey