When I was at college, a favorite topic of conversation (usually when drunk) was, music you liked getting fucked to.

We’re more sophisticated today. Today we discuss music we like getting fucked by. And the funny thing is, it’s none of the songs I thought it would be.

The top three songs (that I remember) from college

“Orinoco Flow” by Enya

“Breath Control” by Recoil

“Angel” by Massive Attack.

And hello to my Ohmibod Freestyle. Wireless. And traditional. No fancy shapes, no intriguing attachments, just a nice six inches long, three inches round, and enough moving parts to... well, move you.

“Number One Crush” by Garbage

I love this song. I loved it when I was at High School, I loved it when I lost my virginity (or thereabouts) somewhere in its general proximity. So let’s cue it up and see if I love it now....

First thought. Remember those dancing, guitar-playing flowers that you used to be able to buy at Spencer Gifts and the like? Switch them on, put them near a speaker, and they could keep you amused for... oooh, minutes. I’m not comparing my Freestyle to the flower; my point is, it never seemed to matter what music I played, the flower would always do the same basic dance. Although the tempo would pick up if the BPMs went particularly crazy... ooooh, and there’s a thought!

“Thousand” by Moby

Somebody told me this is the world’s fastest song. Somebody else told me the first time she heard it, she had a panic attack (so she’s never listened to it since). Me... I can take it or leave it, and Ohmibod agrees. Less a frenetic pulsing, more a peculiar rattling sensation that might be appreciated later in the evening, but right now, I want something a little bit calmer. But forceful too. The more I play around with this thing, and the more I think about those dancing flowers, the more I realize that it isn’t so much the song that it responds to, or the beat or the rhythm or anything else. It’s more the feel, the mood, the overall ambiance... fuck it. Let’s give “Orinoco Flow” a go after all. Or not.

“Hobart Paving” by Saint Etienne

That’s more like it. Slow and very gently building, oddly melancholy but uplifting too, and the kind of voice that always makes me melt. Plus it doesn’t end after just a few minutes, so you not only get into the swing of things, the mood remains with just a modicum of “where’s it gone?” while you’re searching for something to follow it up with.

Lesson learned. Always create a playlist.

“Fetish XXX” by Joan Jett

Love the song, love the singer, love the idea of the woman who gave us “I Love Rock and Roll” instructing her fans to “relax while I pound your ass.” And Ohmibod seems to like it too, pulsing to the back-beat and upping your own tempo while it goes. But you know what? Lyrics that are great to sing while you’re doing the housework or drinking with friends can get mighty distracting when there’s other things on your mind. And it doesn’t matter what comes up next...

“S&M” by Rihanna

... there’s that momentary dislocation as body and Bod adjust to the change, and it suddenly dawns on me why a lot of the reviews I’ve read talk about using smooth jazz or classical music. Which would be fine if I actually liked such things, but I want guitars and bass lines and tremors.... and something that doesn’t stop dead after three minutes.

“Magic Man" by Heart

That’s more like it! A seductive lyric, a sensuous loping and a guitar solo that wants to fuck your brains out, rising and falling, speeding and slowing, and bring every nerve ending into play. The Ohmibod loves it, too, and the only drawback is.... five and a half minutes just wasn’t enough.

"24" by Jem

Heading into the home straight. The riff is pounding, insistent and fuck, it doesn't let up... and you don't even hear the lyrics anymore (they're about death, apparently)... and when it's over, POW! Time this big boy met the big guns!

“Shine On You Crazy Diamond” by Pink Floyd

It starts... slow... drifts before it gets demanding, and has just enough surprises in store that the rhythms never start to drag. Plus it’s long... twenty-five minutes if you run both parts together, and there’s not so many words that you get distracted.

In fact, the only downside is when I remember another favorite topic at school. Which rock star would you most like to fuck?

I don’t remember any of Pink Floyd making anybody’s list....